|
Are you building the habits you want to build in your relationship? This is the eleventh episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses ways to develop healthy relationship habits.
IN THIS PODACST
Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage?
I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!
A healthy habit I didn't realize I had until...
Welcome back to the communicate and connect podcast! We have been doing a series on getting ready for marriage and this is gonna be one of the last episodes in this series. We have one more for the series after this, which is gonna be an interview that I do with Reverend Cali on premarital counseling. But this is the last content one on this topic. Way to stick in there! If you've listened to all of them, I would love to know it! Find me on social media or tag me and tell me if you've listened to all of these episodes on getting ready for marriage.
If you have thoughts or questions about things that you want to see covered in this podcast please go to www.communicateandconnectpodcast.com. There is a form on the website for you to submit questions or ideas or things that you want covered. So for the last one, we're really talking about habits; and this is because everything that we've covered so far in this series is about skills. And skills are things that can be learned. You usually have to use skills intentionally but eventually you want them to become habit. I was thinking about habits recently when I was remembering a weekend trip that my husband and I went on with some friends a few months ago. On this trip, somebody was telling me a traumatic story from their life and was sharing it with everybody. I just sat there. I was so angry about what they had gone through that I didn't even know what to do with the anger. And I just said, "I feel so angry" and I just sat there and I said it a few times. I said, "I am so angry right now, I'm just so angry". Somebody who was in the group with us, our friend, he was really impressed by my ability to just state my feelings and sit there and and say what I was feeling without somehow reacting in some bigger way. I'll say for me, I didn't even realize that I was doing this because it's so ingrained in me. This is probably because I am a marriage counselor and I've been practicing therapy for a long time. This is part of the skill set that they trained therapists in, but I didn't even realize I was doing it because it was so ingrained. That is really what we want to happen when we're thinking about skills for a relationship. You have to implement a skill, and implement the skill on a regular basis over and over and over again--to where that becomes part of he culture of the marriage and the culture of the relationship. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit" -– Will Durant, american writer The difference between a habit and a routine
You want a skill to become ingrained to where it's so ingrained you're not even thinking about it. This reminds me of a quote that I saw by Will Durant, an american writer, who said, "we are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit". I think that applies to marriages as well.
Our marriages are what we repeatedly do to make our marriages that way. So forming habits is about doing the skills so many times that it becomes muscle memory. It's different than a routine. A routine is something that sometimes still has to have some intentionality. So for example for me working out; I have to be really intentional about working out. I go through phases where I will be really great about working out and I'll have a health kick. My health kick lasts maybe six months, maybe a year, and then it stops and I just am no longer on the health kick. That is a way that I know it's not really a habit. It was part of a routine that I had to intentionally engage in. But a habit is something that's more on autopilot. Sort of like when you drive and you are so used to driving one way that you go in that direction and you don't even think about it even though you needed to go in the opposite direction. That is a habit that is on autopilot, and that's where we want these relationship skills to be, How to build a habit
So how do you form a habit?
Some habits don't take that long to form. They maybe take a month. And other habits take several months to form. Some things are easier to build into habits than others, and then other things are more challenging and take longer. 
Healthy relationship habits worth building
What are some habits that you could work on to improve your marriage? Here are some that I came up with off the top of my head. You can go back through any of the episodes in this series that we've covered. Pick one of those skills you want to be the habit you're gonna try to develop.
Some examples for you for this episode: "I feel" is a really lovely habit to develop for your communication in a marriage but also for your own ability to regulate your own emotions. There's a lot of research that shows that just identifying my own emotions helps helps regulate it. By that I mean, it helps your feelings not be so overwhelming. Identifying your feelings is a way of coping with my feelings. So both on an individual level, just for yourself, but also in your relationship, if you can start identifying your emotions and just making statements of, "I feel XYZ emotion", "I feel angry", "I feel sad", "I feel disappointed", "I feel anxious", "I feel afraid", "I feel jealous", "I feel hungry", "I feel tired"....... all of these feelings that you can have. Just getting into the habit of identifying how you feel, naming how you feel, and sharing how you feel and stating it in the phrase: "I feel this". That's a lovely habit to form for yourself, but also for your relationship. On the relationship side, that makes it more about you less about your partner. Then it doesn't come off critical or attacking. For example, if my partner decided they wanted to go do something with a friend and so they were no longer gonna come do whatever they said they were going to do with me. Or if I thought we were going to do something and then I find out they were he was going to do something with a friend, I might say: "I feel disappointed". That is a fact about how I feel. That's perfectly fine for me to say, and it makes it about me instead of saying "oh you you shouldn't go do this thing with your friend, you clearly don't care, you never think about me." Those would be statements that would put a partner on defense, that they would start feeling attacked and it and it kind of shuts the communication down. Versus saying "oh I feel a little disappointed, I wanted to go do this with you", that changes the whole dynamic of the conversation. Another habit is turning your attention to your partner when they talk. This one is hard to break. Our society is so into multitasking and the research says that none of us are any good at it, but we all try. I try also; I love to attempt to multitask and then I totally miss whatever my partner said to me. So trying when we're talking together, turning my attention to my partner and not multitasking--setting my phone down, pausing the tv, not reading the mail--and instead turning my body towards my partner, looking at my partner as they're talking, and focusing my attention on them when they talk. This is a habit that can be cultivated just like the other habits. Another habit could be habits that you do together in your relationship. For example, maybe going on a walk in the morning or going on a walk after dinner together. This is really helpful if you have dogs that have to be walked! It could be considered a routine, but you could do it so often that it becomes a habit as a way of reconnecting together. Even if it's 10 minutes a day we have this moment where we're gonna be together and where we can talk and share and reorient ourselves to our life together. You could also do something similar like cuddling right before bed. This is something that my husband and I have referred to as "couple cuddle talk time". That's just our fun phrase for for where we have this time that we're going to just be together and and reconnect before bed, versus being on our phones or going to bed at different times. Or one of us falling asleep on the couch or something like that! It helps us to feel more together in the relationship. Ultimately there are lots of different habits that you could do but these are just a few to get you started on thinking about some options. Ways you can build up healthy relationship habits
I mentioned this in the last episode and I'm recording these on the same day, so maybe that's why I'm thinking about it still, but how do you develop something into a habit? And how do you learn the skills for your marriage to succeed? And I know in the last episode I went through options like workshops, doing intensives, listening to podcasts and books. You could do a marriage meeting if you just wanted to do it yourselves, and you could do the monthly marriage meetings. (See the episode on marriage meetings).
So much of these do require a lot of repetition. It takes so much repetition to get these skills into my body, into my muscle memory, so that way they really are a habit and don't require so much thought anymore. This is really what Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy does. This is the type of therapy that I do. I am a Certified Emotionally Focused Couple Therapist. And there are other other therapists who do Emotionally Focused Therapy and they are come in all various stages of training--whether they're just starting to learn how to do EFT Or if they're certified like I am. But really what we do in EFT Couple therapy is we are helping couples develop the skills into habits that way they have long term success. This is because it really is not enough to just learn a skill if then I go home and I don't do it; or if I learned how to do it and we started to do the skill together but then three months from now, or six months from now, we're no longer using the skills. What needs to happen is that we're doing it so often that it just becomes a second nature, and that really is one of the goals for Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. Specifically the skills that we try to help couples develop into habits in EFT include noticing and identifying feelings, sharing fears with each other (especially the fears and insecurities that we have), and developing active listening and empathy. Those are the skills that we work on developing into muscle memory. There are other types of couples therapy but I always recommend working with somebody who's trained in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy or who is licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist and has specific training in marriage and family therapy. You really really don't want somebody who's just dabbling. You want somebody who this is what they do. Anyway I'll get off my soapbox now. These are skills that we often help couples develop in EFT Couples counseling; and these are a lot of the skills that I would suggest working on developing into habits as part of getting ready for marriage or setting up your marriage at the beginning stages in order to set it up for success long term. 
Action Item
So your action item for this episode is to pick one habit that you want to form in your relationship and make a plan to practice it. You can go back and listen to the other episodes in this series on getting ready for marriage if you need ideas on which habits to start working on. Or you can just pick one that got covered in this episode if you want. Or if there's something else that you've been thinking about, you could pick that. Just pick one that you think is going to be the most helpful and start making a plan on how to practice it and form it into a habit. If you pick one, I would love to hear about it! You can find me on social media, you can tag me, you can send me a message through the website,--tell me what you picked, what you're practicing, and how you're going to practice it. I'd love to hear about it. So pick one, make a plan, and then tell me about it.
Alright, have a great day. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If so please take a second to go rate review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. You can also sign up for my free 10-week relationship email course. This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away. Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!
Liz's Useful Links:
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz has offices in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and Fallon, Nevada, and also provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
0 Comments
Do you and your partner know each other's raw spots and emotional triggers? This is the eighth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of identifying your emotional triggers in relationships. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage
I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!
A Personal Example of an Emotional Trigger
Hey, everyone welcome back to the communicate and connect podcast. This is episode 28 on emotional triggers in relationships. So I'm pretty glad that we're going to talk about emotional triggers in relationships because we all have them and being aware of kind of where the landmines are in a relationship is generally a good idea. So I'll start with a story about myself because I find that examples tend to be very helpful for people when we're talking about these things. So for example, I have a raw spot that triggers me and that is when my husband laughs at me. That comes from my childhood, I can trace the roots of that raw spot back to my childhood when I was more overweight.
I don't know if I would really say overweight; I developed into womanhood earlier than my peers. And so I had a more adult body than my peers did at the time and I did feel kind of like an outcast because of that. People would make fun of me and they would laugh at me. And so that is a very humiliating feeling, that is a trigger now for me. So if I'm like playing around with my husband or I'm doing something or I say something to him and he starts laughing at me, I immediately go into why are you making fun of me? Are you making fun of me? How can my person, who I love, be making fun of me? And it does, it's a big trigger for me emotionally And every time I ask him, I say why are you laughing at me or why are you making fun of me, and he says, "I'm not making fun of you, I think you're cute" and that is always his response to me. It is sweet when I can remove myself from how I feel emotionally triggered, he is feeling sweet emotions towards me which is nice to think about you know that he's feeling sweet emotions towards me that he finds me cute. I mean, I do like that, but his expression of it by laughing and chuckling like he does is triggering for me. So this I think is a great example of how we have emotional triggers that come from somewhere in our past that our partner could be doing something with positive intentions and it could still be an emotional raw spot--an emotional trigger--and bring up a lot of painful emotions. And again these are often like landmines. So my husband and I have worked through this already in our marriage and I still sometimes get triggered by it, but we have the same discussion each time and it's not as painful now as it was towards the beginning. Oftentimes the partner is not doing anything wrong. They're not doing anything wrong, they're just being themselves and something happened to trigger the pain template." -- Elizabeth Polinsky Understanding Emotional Raw Spots and Emotional Triggers
I got myself a little off track here but let me get back on track. So we all have emotional raw spots and they get bumped up against in marriage. And when that happens, we do get emotionally triggered and it brings up a kind of a mental template in my mind.
When we go through painful emotional experiences, our mind stores that memory and our bodies store that memory, and in that memory are the emotions that I had with that memory. And so the memory comes up. It's not just a memory, it's also a memory plus all of the emotions that I felt at the time. And so then something in modern day or current day happens in your relationship. Something happens that feels very similar to what happened in the past. It brings up all of the emotions, not just from that moment in time, the current moment in time, but it brings up the emotions from when that has happened in the past as well. So now we have lots of painful emotions happening, and it is very painful when raw spots get triggered. And in relationships, it's hard because if I don't know that my partner has a raw spot, I don't know to avoid it. I don't know why they're hurt. Like I could see like if I put myself in my husband's shoes and I'm laughing because I think my wife is cute and then she gets really mad and blows up at me for making fun of her. I'm going to feel kind of lost as to what on earth is going on. But if he knows that that's a raw spot for me, and if I can communicate that to him in the moment, then that helps him know for the future. But it also helps him be able to comfort me and help us have a different experience of where we can become closer versus becoming more distant as a result. Often times when raw spots get hit, people either blame their partners for hurting them or they kind of shut down and go away and distance from their partners. It's extra challenging because oftentimes the partner is not doing anything wrong. They're not doing anything wrong, they're just being themselves and something happened to trigger the pain template inside of me--or inside of you in this case. So they're really not the cause of the pain, they just happened to be the trigger at that time. The goal is to be able to express the pain that gets triggered and then be able to comfort each other when that happens. 
Navigating Emotional Triggers in Relationships Like a Pro
I like to use this metaphor of dancing, you know, couple relationships are a lot like dancing. I do dance, some of you probably already know that. I started with like swing dancing, lindy hop, balboa, charleston--all of that stuff. I met my husband through west coast swing. Recently, I've been getting really into kizomba dancing; it's just so much fun! But when you dance with somebody, it's really common to step on each other's toes. Just the other week, I was dancing with somebody and I kind of tripped and I had high heels on. And my heel, like I jammed it into the dude's foot, and I felt so horrible, I was like, "oh my God, I did not mean to like, put all of my weight through my heel into your foot!". Like ouch, that's gotta hurt. But these types of things do happen when you dance, and the goal is to see, okay, how can we recover in this moment and keep on dancing together?
And that's also what we want to happen with emotional raw spots. So you guys are interacting together, you and your partner, and somehow they bump into or step on your toes or do something that triggers an emotional raw spot for you. It does hurt. Of course it hurts, and it also comes along with dancing together and being in a relationship together. There's no way, there's no way to avoid raw spots altogether. The most important part, instead of, you know, as you get used to dancing together, you probably step on each other's toes less and less because you become more in sync. So basically the goal is that I can't, you know, it's not possible for me to never step on my partner's toes, and to never bump into them, and to never hit a raw spot or an emotional trigger for them. That is just unrealistic if we want to interact together. If we want to dance together it's going to happen and it does happen less and less as we get used to each other, get used to the triggers, get used to interacting together, dancing together--but it'll still happen. When it happens, the goal is to recover. The way that couples recover is through comforting each other when triggers comes up, when the pain comes up. So that is the ultimate goal for couples. If that feels like a challenge, you could go to couples counseling, they can help you figure out how to do that. Examples of Emotional Triggers and Emotional Raw Spots
But let's just talk about the beginning of the marriage because this series is on getting ready for marriage and the foundational tips to help you get started. And so it can be really helpful if you can identify some of your raw spots at the beginning of the relationship, and if your partner can identify some of their raw spots at the beginning of the relationship. That is gonna be awesome.
It's always better to know this is a really painful spot ahead of time. It's nice to know that and not find it out later. So some examples of raw spots are:
I covered the raw spot of excluded in the last episode when I talked about my trip with my husband to this cabin with some friends. He got into a hot tub and he like didn't invite me and I felt excluded. That feeling of exclusion has to do also from stuff from my childhood that is a template that came up for me. So that is another example that is slightly different than the first one if that's helpful for you. But okay, so we've got rejection, betrayal, loss of control, feeling excluded, feeling unwanted. Also feeling too needed to where you might feel smothered and like you don't have your own room. That could also involve kind of feeling trapped--like you don't have your own independence. These are feelings that are common feelings for people when they have a raw spot that got triggered. It's better to repair than try to avoid... the antidote to the pain is comfort from your partner; it's not avoiding it." -- Elizabeth Polinsky Identifying Emotional Triggers
And you want to see if you can maybe think about your most recent fight and kind of get curious about it. See if you can connect it to your past life events. So, some good questions to ask yourself would be:
If so then, it's probably an even bigger raw spot because there are more memories and painful emotions encoded in that mental template. You want to be able to share these with your partner so that way they can be aware. They can try to avoid it, but they're not going to get that perfect. And ultimately it's better to tell them when you do get triggered and ask them for comfort. They can help comfort you and help you with the pain of that so you guys can get back in sync and keep dancing. It's better to repair than try to avoid. And I would I really like, I cannot stress this enough, like the antidote to the pain is comfort from your partner; it's not avoiding it. So, if you have questions about that, feel free to send them in a comment or something on social media. If there are questions, then I can do a live or something that goes a little more in-depth on that. 
Action Item for Communicate & Connect Podcast Episode 28: Emotional Triggers in Relationships
So, your action item for this episode is I want you to see if you can identify just one raw spot, that is a common emotional trigger for you, and share it with your partner. And I think that's gonna help just open up your conversation around emotional raw spots and emotional triggers. All right, have a great day.
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!
Liz's Useful Links:
Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun. There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS:
1. We all need support for our individuality in our own endeavors but we also need love and closeness and sex. When people get married, one partner tends to want more closeness and connection, whereas the other person may want to focus on their life purpose and autonomy. Often times women want to talk to feel emotionally close before they want sex; whereas men typically want sex to feel emotionally close because men often feel emotional closeness through their bodies. Men may want sex to feel emotionally safe enough to talk with their partner. While this is a stereotypical gender normed example, it is an example that commonly happens. 
It doesn’t have to be a power struggle, we can come to each other in vulnerability and talk about our needs and our feelings”. -- paraphrased from Dr. Laurie Watson
2. Couples can feel very differently about the importance of sex in a marriage.
For many people there is a huge discrepancy for how couples rate the importance of sex in a relationships. For those with a lot of testosterone, their emotional connection is formed from the body and felt physically in the body. The big problem is when people are mismatched--and women and men are often mismatched in sex drive. Women’s sex drive is often formed in their mind and imagination. They allow themselves to transform sexual energy throughout the day and transform in into a readiness for sex. They store up the energy in their mind, or actively cultivate sexual feelings through mental fantasy, in order to be ready for sex with their partner. Women tend to be able to take that energy and store it for when it can be released with their partner. For women it is important to be able to do this--eroticism has to be actively developed, it does not happen naturally. Women need to learn how to be able to communicate directly about the mood and context needed to feel sexual. Women need to “show and tell” to help men know what they want because the messages men get from porn are not accurate for what feels good to most women. Most women have orgasms through clitoral stimulation. Only about 4%-20% of women can orgasm through sexual intercourse. Women need to show their partners what they like even though it's vulnerable and scary. Knowing what blocks you and what turns you on is really important in developing an erotic core.” -- Dr. Laurie Watson 
3. The majority of times during sex, women need to orgasm or they wont want to keep having sex.
Men very rarely learn that the cliterous is analogous to the penis in men. Most men want their partners to orgasm, but men and women have different bodies. For women, vibrators can be helpful in decreasing the time if needed, especially for a weeknight quickie. The 20-20 solution: It takes women 20 minutes of foreplay to get ready for sex and then 20 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm.” -- paraphrased from Dr. Laurie Watson
4. How to keep things erotic over long distance and deployment?
There has to be a great deal of intention about maintaining emotional and physical connection while they are gone. About 70% of soldiers have PTSD and have been traumatized. If you have PTSD, then you are likely changed and traumatized sexually; this is because sex requires us to let down our guard to be merged with someone else. But the military trains you to be vigilant and on watch, which is the opposite of sex where you are supposed to let everything go and merge. The difficulty is how do I let go, and let my guard down, when all my training says that that's going to be dangerous for me”. -- paraphrased from Dr. Laurie Watson 
Maintaining connection at a distance needs to have an agreement about regularity--texting, sexting, talking dirty, and talking about the longing in your body are all helpful. This can be hard for women who were socialized to not talk about sex. Women particularly need to feel desired. But men tend to need to hear that their partners want them sexually. It helps men to know that you want them in the way that they feel it the most--which is often physically. This is what helps them feel desired. All humans need to feel desired.
Men need explicit talk about how she desires him too.” -- Dr. Laurie Watson
Words of Wisdom from Dr. Laurie Watson:
You can listen to Foreplay Sex Radio to help you and your partner understand female orgasm as well as maintaining sexuality after a traumatic event! Listen to the Foreplay Radio Sex Therapy here https://www.foreplayrst.com/ .
Working with Dr. Laurie Watson:
Dr. Watson the Director of Awakens Counseling and is the host of Foreplay Radio Sex Therapy. For more information on Awakens Counseling, see https://awakeningscenter.org/therapists/laurie-watson/ . You can listen to Foreplay Radio Sex Therapy here https://www.foreplayrst.com/ .
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
Everyone has to start over in life, and if you are a military family then that is definitely the case. What makes change so hard? Have you wondered how to start over and create a new life for yourself?
In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses relationship dynamics of divorce, deployment, and remarriage and how to start over. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
What is really hard is when you lose someone who meant the world to you, who was your home.”
Life transitions are inevitable especially with military life.
Each transition comes with a lot of stress as roles change.
Kids start feeling stressed because you are stressed.”
Create a new normal through routines and rituals.
Rituals help people process the grief and are a symbol of moving on to something new.”
Pick a better partner in the future. It is not usually one partner’s fault that the relationship didn’t work. It takes two to tango and there are often situational reasons for the relationship to end. However it is also important to think about your pattern for how you picked out partners in the past and how your formed relationships. You can increase the likelihood of your future relationships a little better by examining your patterns. This is where therapy can be really helpful. For example if you have a pattern of feeling like you are the responsible one in the relationship, or if you consistently pick people who are not emotionally available, then therapy can help you figure out how to change your pattern and pick someone where that pattern won't be recreated.
What do you really want in a relationship moving forward? Do you want the same pattern or do you want to change it up?”
ACTION STEPS:
If you are newly single or are getting remarried, decide on one new tradition that can be part of the new normal. Start making it happen.
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!! Liz's Useful Links: Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
How do you know if you are in a good relationship? What is the science behind happy and healthy relationships? Have you wondered if there is anything that is proven to help improve your relationship?
In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses 5 signs of happy relationships. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
1. A sign of a happy relationship is the ability to Communicate & Connect with your partner
Your partner cannot read your mind. They do not know that they hurt your feelings or what you want unless you tell them. But you have to tell them in a way that they will hear it”.
2. A sign of a happy relationship is the ability to be responsive to bids for relationship attention.
3. A sign of a happy relationship is mutual kindness. The next sign of a happy relationship is kindness and agreeableness. Kindness isn’t hard to do because empathy is hard wired in the brain. All you have to do is pay attention to your partner's emotions. Blocks to kindness are not paying attention, relationship anxiety, or being overly focused on yourself.
If you are focused on the other person, the part of your brain that is hardwired for empathy will kick in and it will be easier to be kind to each other.”
4. A sign of a happy relationship is the ability to owning your sh*t!
Own your stuff; go to therapy and learn to cope.”
5. A sign of a happy relationship is the ability to talk about sex and increase sexual satisfaction.
ACTION STEPS:
Capitalize on the relationship bids and add in a little extra kindness!
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!! Liz's Useful Links: Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
What makes relationships feel so good and so special? Have you wondered how to recreate those loving feelings you used to have with your partner?
In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses how to reconnect with your partner. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
Connection is about feeling; a felt experience that my partner is there for me”.
According to the Gottman Institute, couples need a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Couples headed toward divorce have an 0.8 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. This means that negative interactions are significantly more impactful on relationships than the positive interaction. Therefore decreasing the negative interactions, while increasing the positive ones can help build relationship connection.
I can either add positivity or negativity to a relationship”.
The key to connection is a secure attachment bond with your partner.
You can have a healthy secure attachment bond to your significant other. When someone has this close connected relationship to their partner they feel like they have a home to go back to, it is their person.”
Secure attachment bonds lead to improved physical and mental health.
You want your spouse to be your primary support system and who you can go to for comfort.”
Most people experience blocks to connection that have developed as ways to cope with overwhelming emotions in relationships.
Kindness is the key to increasing positivity in your relationship.”
ACTION STEPS:
Increase the positives in your relationship--go do something nice with your partner that you know they will like.
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!! Liz's Useful Links: Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
Ever wonder why communication is so hard? Have you felt like you and your partner were speaking different languages when you talk? Have you felt stuck on how to get your partner to understand where you are coming from?
In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses how to get your partner to listen by understanding what makes communication so hard. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
Communication is actually really hard”.
Communication is hard because 93% of communication is tone of voice & body language--only 7% is what you actually say. No wonder there are miscommunications! Only 7% of your words get a cross to someone else. We all need to learn to make our body language and tone of voice consistent with our words for greater success at communication.
Communication is hard because people listen to respond instead of listening with the goal of listening and understanding. People are often in their heads worrying about how to respond to what their partners are telling them. Because we are all in our heads so much, people often miss the emotional content because they are listening for the logical content of conversations. But love relationships are all about the emotional content of a conversation. Most people listen to formulate a response to the other person.”
Communication is hard because we don’t say what we really mean or what we really want to protect ourselves from potential rejection. People avoid discussing difficult and emotionally risky conversations. If they do discuss it, then sometimes people will hint at what they mean or want but the real message never gets across because people can’t pick up on hints! Avoiding altogether or hinting at things is often due to wanting to avoid the riskiness of starting a fight or the riskiness of feeling rejected by a partner. So instead of being direct, people often develop protective ways of communicating.
The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse discussed by the Gottman Institute are ways we try to protect ourselves in relationships that actually ruin them.
Stonewalling happens when things get too heated and too intense.”
The Gottman's at the Gottman Institute can predict with 90% accuracy that relationships will fail if these communication strategies aren’t changed.
How to get your partner to listen
The first step in getting your partner to listen to you is for you to actively listen to your partner... is for you to stop and think with some intentionality about how you communicate with your partner.”
ACTION STEPS:
Just listen to your partner. Repeat back to them what they said. Don’t try to form a response. Just make sure you got what they were saying.
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!! Liz's Useful Links: Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
Ever wonder how relationships go wrong? Have you experienced confusion about how things changed in your marriage? Have you felt stuck with constant miscommunications and relationship tension?
In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses 5 reasons why relationships go wrong. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
We compare ourselves to others without actually knowing what their relationships are like. However, we only see the front of others' relationships--we don't see what is actually going on. Additionally, societal messages teach us that relationships should look perfect.
Even at the grocery store we’re hearing ‘theres something wrong with your relationship’, ‘no ones going to want you if you don’t look a certain way or have sex a certain way or talk and communicate a certain way’.”
There is a lack of education, role models, and good advice on relationships.
There is no education in school on happy and healthy relationships and people often do not have good relationship role models.”
93% of communication is tone of voice & body language--only 7% is what you actually say. No wonder there are miscommunications! Only 7% of your words get a cross to someone else. We all need to learn to make our body language and tone of voice consistent with our words for greater success at communication.
We repeat self-protective patterns which prevent emotional closeness and connection in relationships. People push their partners away and shut down when they are hurt, or they become critical and demanding. These are emotional self protection behaviors. What is needed to move forward is vulnerability and kindness. In order to have healthy happy relationships, both partners need to feel safe to be vulnerable and be able to respond with kindness when their partner is vulnerable.”
Life stress is a b*tch. Mental illness, financial struggles, deployment, and life transition cause more stress. When there is more stress for couples, it typically increase miscommunications leading to differences in sex drive and decreases relationship satisfaction.
ACTION STEPS:
As you go about your day over the next few days, try to notice all the images of relationships and see what the societal messages are--TV, movies, tabloids, etc. See if you see the 1) this is perfect and 2) yours isn’t good enough messages.
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!! Liz's Useful Links: Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential. Podcast Episode 001: An Introduction to The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships9/14/2020
Have you experienced problems in a relationship? Has the military lifestyle interfered with your ability to communicate and connect in your marriage? How can you manage the stress of military life while also navigating the regular relationship problems couples face?
Military Marriage Problems are common! That is why The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships was started. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky shares her story and the vision for The Communicate & Connect Podcast. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY
Loving and being loved is one of the greatest gifts to myself and a partner"
Podcast Vision: The vision of the podcast is to help couples communicate better, reconnect in their relationship, and help couples create the best relationships they can have.
Liz is a military spouse and grew up in a military family. She grew up in El Paso Texas and currently lives in Norfolk Virginia with her husband and their 2 dogs and cat. Working with a couple and family has a big impact on helping people feel whole and fulfilled in relationships”
Liz is a relationship therapist that specializes in military marriage problems. She is a licensed clinical social worker, mental health therapist, and a military marriage counselor. At the time of this episode, she is also a Ph.D. Student in marriage and family therapy.
I’ve failed a lot at relationships before I was able to change the patterns in my relationships”
Prior to moving to Virginia, she worked at the Veterans Affairs Clinic in Pensacola FL. Having grown up in a military family and being a military spouse has motivated her to specialize in working with military members, veterans, and their families. She loves working with active duty military members and their families in order to prevent and heal marriage problems.
Being in a relationship is hard enough, and adding on military life adds a lot of unique challenges”
Before getting married, she had many painful relationships in the past, including losing 2 finance’s, which motivated her to learn as much about relationships as she could. She decided to switch from individual therapy to couple therapy because of the impact couples therapy can have on helping families and not just individuals.
Oftentimes we just need to get out of our own way to have the fulfilling relationships we want. This podcast is all about getting out of our own way using the science of love relationships."
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!! Liz's Useful Links: Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
As a marriage counselor, couples often come to me wanting to know how to build trust in a marriage again. Sometimes there was a breach of trust due to an affair or because their partner wasn’t there for them during a crucial time of need. Other times trust has eroded over time through smaller actions that proved their partner would no longer be there for them.
But what is trust in a relationship? How it is broken and how do you get it back? 
Building trust in a marriage has three crucial elements to it:1. Building trust in a marriage involves predictability.
This predictability is shown by consistency and stability in behaviors. We all need to know the predicable pattern of our partner. When your partner is consistently kind and caring, you develop trust in the relationship that your partner will likely continue to be that way. Similarly, trust is broken when your partner is consistently critical, blaming, or emotionally unavailable. Rebuilding trust in a marriage again involves time as you and your partner will have to develop new patterns of interacting and give it enough time so the new patterns become predictable.
2. Building trust in a marriage involves dependability.
The next component of trust in a marriage is dependability. This is really a belief that your partner has good character qualities and cares about you. This belief in their dependability and their good intentions often only comes about after there has been a predictable, consistent, and stable pattern of positive interactions between the two of you. At the same time, you can help develop this in the relationship by looking for the things your partner does well and noticing the predictable positive qualities they already have.
3. Building trust in a marriage involves faith.
Lastly, building trust in a marriage involves a little bit of faith. This faith is a belief that your partner will be responsive and caring in the future. Again, the first step is developing predictable patterns of positivity in the relationship. As you and your partner are developing this, you can have faith in good intentions and true desire to have a better relationship.
So trust is broken when your partner has consistently not been there for you, you feel like you can’t depend on them, and you expect that in the future they won’t be there for you either. Building trust in a marriage again requires that you both develop new predictable patterns of positivity, so that way you can depend on each other emotionally, and have faith that you will be there for each other in the future.
 Photo by SYLO Productions
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential. |
The Communicate & Connect Podcast
In Communicate & Connect For Military Relationships, I provide educational tips for relationships, communication, and navigating military family life. AuthorHey, I'm Elizabeth "Liz" Polinsky and I am a marriage counselor in Virginia Beach. I provide online counseling across the states of VA, SC, AR, and NV. Categories
All
|
RSS Feed
|
The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military RelationshipsA podcast devoted to explaining relationship science so military couples can thrive despite the unique challenges of military life.
|
|
Telephone(757) 354-1157
|
liz@communicateandconnectpodcast.com
|