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***Trigger Warning: This episode briefly discusses history of abuse***
Is love worth the risk?
In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews April, a military spouse, on her experiences of taking the risk on love. We discuss challenges of military family life and infertility, as well as tips for communicating and growing closer together despite obstacles. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS: Introduction to April: April is a military spouse, 23 yrs old, and has been married 4 years. Creating a life she loves with her husband has been one of the best things to happen. The Love Story: He was the server at a restaurant that she went to when celebrating her birthday. Her friends gave him her number and he called her. On their first date, they went running and hiking. He was three hours late to work because he didn’t want to leave their first date. She had a difficult relationship and had been in an abusive relationship prior. It was shocking how wonderful he was. She wanted to focus on the good that could be in her future instead of focusing on what had happened in her past. She made a conscious choice to invest in the relationship and move forward. 
You want to actively show your partner your deep vulnerabilities because most partners actually want to jump in and reassure you and provide empathy.” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
Challenges they faced over the years:
They have been trying to have another baby for 3 years and this has caused a lot of pain. It has been one of the biggest hurdles they have faced. Especially because she wants to have a baby with her husband, the right person. Not having your partner around can actually cause anxiety and depression symptoms because we rely on them for support; they are our home base for comfort and support." -- Elizabeth Polinsky
April's tips for navigating challenges:
How to navigate a relationship when there are different love languages:
(learn more about love languages here)
Book Recommendations:
Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun. There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”.
 Photo by SYLO Productions.
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
New to being a military spouse?
In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews Ashlee, a previous military spouse, on things she wished she had known before marrying into the military. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS:
Introduction to Ashlee:
Ashlee is 23 at the time of this recording and is a former military spouse. In this interview, she discusses what she and her ex-husband could have done differently while he was going through a vigorous program in the Navy. Ashlee felt that having a support system is really important--even it is virtual people from your home town. For Ashlee, she experienced depression and anxiety especially with changes related to moving and military life. In making new friends after a move, she found that not everyone was supportive. She discusses the importance of being thoughtful about who you talk to and confide in. Having a support system outside of your partner and outside of military spouses can be helpful. To do this, think about what hobbies you can do in the places where you move. That can help you with adjusting to new places, and provide an avenue for social support outside of your spouse and the military. 
Top struggles she faced:
Moving away from home was a culture shock. She was pregnant at the time and didn’t know the new area she had moved to. She had to go through her first pregnancy alone without her spouse once she moved to the new place. She relied on relationships as a way to cope, but she didn’t know who would be good people to confide in. She had depression during pregnancy and after pregnancy. There were so many firsts happening at one time for her that she didn’t know how to do them, or know anyone in the area to help her navigate the new situation. The most challenging period in time for couples is right after the birth of a first child.” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
It was also challenging meeting people and having them move away, so starting a new social support system was difficult. There can still be drama in military spouse friendships. You want to be aware that what you say may be transferred over to your spouse's coworker when a friend talks about your discussions to their spouses. On top of that, some people are mandated reporters and are required to tell higher ups about certain things going on in your relationship if they know about it.
You have to give people time to earn your trust...test them out first and let the trust build over time” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
She joined a mothers group and that ended up being a great source of support for her. In addition she found that going to a spouse 101 class was helpful. It was also important to know who the ombudsman was.
You can have friends that you do social stuff with...you don’t have to confide in them.” -- Paraphrased from Ashlee
Things that would have helped:
Elizabeth Polinsky's tips if you are having difficulty in a marriage:
If you are in a relationship, you will step on each others toes--it’s unavoidable” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
Words of Wisdom from Ashlee:
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!! Liz's Useful Links: Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening!  Photo by SYLO Productions.
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
Can a dual military couple make it? Can women service members have the career, marriage, and family life they want?
In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews Alyssa, an enlisted Navy service woman, on how she overcame the stigma of being female in the military. 
IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS:
People can get very judgmental of other people's relationships” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
4. The family found out right before the birth of their first child because she accidentally told her family that he was her husband and then her family member told everyone one else. They had been planning a wedding after getting married at the courthouse—a common practice with military couples. Their parents were eventually accepting of the relationship.
5. A lot of people worry about getting married too soon or too young, and about whether or not they should have kids—what helped Alyssa and her husband was that they were reflective together, made a very intentional and conscious choice, and committed to the outcome they wanted. Everyone needs a tribe..a way to connect with others and get support” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
You can have very close relationships without it turning into something romantic or sexual” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
7. Words of Wisdom from Alyssa:
In the military it is hard too be your own person” -- Alyssa
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!! Liz's Useful Links: Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening!  Photo by SYLO Productions.
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
Ever wonder if a long distance relationship can really work? What about when you are also separated by a country?
In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews Rachel on how she survived 10 years of long-distance, military deployments, and immigration difficulties. 
IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS: 1. The Love Story Rachel and her husband have been married for 22 years, have 3 children, and their oldest with oldest is 24 years old and also a sailor. Their youngest child is now18. The couple met at age 15 in Canada, had first son after she turned 17. Her husband was a flight deck guy for the Navy. They got married her senior year of high school, and a month later he left on his first deployment. This was in the 1980’s and they had to send miniature tape records to each other because it was prior to technology advancements. Because of the way the mail worked, they had fights that lasted for months. They struggled a lot financially ad with the distance. She became a recluse during his first deployment. It was hard to hear about the fun he was having when she was struggling with loneliness and a toddler. "I also didn’t have a support system at the time and there wasn’t an online community like there is now." When he came home there was a honeymoon high followed by the crash of life is still happening. Even after he returned from deployment, she was still living in Canada due to immigration costs. He was stationed in Washington state. When he could come home on the weekends, she would want to word vomit and tell him everything--but he would want to hang out with his friends. They had a deployment baby that was born after the deployment. He deployed right after their second son was born. He was on the Lincoln for 5 years and 1 month, then went into the reserves while going to college. She felt a passion to be involved in FRG because it was scary to know that there was potential danger her husband was going through while on the Lincoln, and not knowing if he was involved. Her husband joined the navy again after getting his degree. He got his masters degree in public health while serving in the navy. She was able to immigrate as a family on 2006— which was a very expensive and complicated process. Over the course of their marriage, there were times that they discussed divorce because things were so hard. Every hardship we had to encounter, whether having our next baby, immigrating, job stuff, it has the ability to tear you apart” — Rachel
To immigrate and be in a country I am not used to…there are differences that I still struggle with” — Rachel
They were separated the first 6 years of their marriage and if you included the years they were dating—they were separated 10 years before she could immigrate. They were long distance for 10 years!
3. Surviving Military Spouse Life
COMPASS was really helpful. gocompass.org is a life saver. It is an amazing class that includes spouse to spouse mentoring and covers topics such as how to read and LES, local attractions, and financial skills etc. I am a big advocate of military spouses finding careers...it is possible to have a career and love someone in the military…you have to adjust your expectations” — Rachel
During her husbands last deployment, he was able to deploy with his son. Having them both come off the ship together was really special.
Rachel’s advice to military spouses starting out is to know there are going to be some struggles. “The man you sent away may not be the same person you get back, and you have to learn to love this new person” - Rachel. This is especially true when they have gone through traumatic events and if they have PTSD. There are resources but sometimes they are limited. Plus there is all the stigma about going and getting help—especially while in the military. PTSD is a natural and normal reaction—it is doing what it should do in response to a life threatening event” - Elizabeth Polinsky
Being diagnosed with PTSD can make you feel like you are broken. But it is like a button that is pushed on to where you are on alert for danger now. The button just stayed on when the person comes back. A lot of PTSD treatment is helping the body let go of that "on" button.
When you partner has PTSD sometimes partner feel like the partner is broken and want to help fix them. So you try to make sure you don’t do anything to harm and hurt them more. Even though he’s a manly man, you have to remember that your words can hurt him.
Three Points that Can Help with the Transition to an Empty Nest:
You are really dating multiple people throughout your marriage because you are both growing individually and as a couple...you have to update the mental maps of what your partner likes and who they are” — Elizabeth Polinsky
5. Words of Wisdom from Rachel:
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!! Liz's Useful Links: Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS:
1. Who is Dr. Wyatt Evans:
Dr. Evens is a board certified psychologist at the Veterans Affairs Hospital, and has a private practice in Dallas - Fort Worth. He also teaches, writes, and conducts research on moral injury and resilience enhancement. His research uses an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) perspective. ACT is an evidenced intervention for a full range of mental health and non-mental health issues. ACT has over 300 randomized control trials supporting it’s efficacy. ACT is a process based cognitive behavioral therapy that is built around a concept of psychological flexibility which covers topics such as enhancing acceptance, becoming more mindful, clarifying personal values, and living life based on those values. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is all about accepting painful thoughts and feelings in order to go toward what’s really important in life” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
2. Three Definitions of Moral Injury:
It's an injury because its now preventing me from living my life” -- Elizabeth Polinsky 
3. Moral Injury and The Military
Moral Injury is not exclusive to the military but is often discussed in a military context because combat situations often involve moral injury. Example: Killing a child in a combat scenario often causes moral pain. A service member might be ordered to kill a child; may encounter a child that has been weaponized and they are stuck between killing the child or allowing the child to put lives in danger; or times when targets are unclear and civilians get caught in the crossfire. To most people, these will cause moral pain—with emotions such as guilt, deep sadness, shame, as well as self-consuming thoughts like “what type of person am I?" or "what type of soldier am I?". These are actually adaptive because they prevent us from getting numb to these atrocities. But imagine that the service member comes home and they hear their kids squealing with happiness. They may start avoiding their child because they end up remembering the kids that were killed in the war scenario when they see their kids happy. They feel guilt from the original event, but now may also fell guilt from being distant from their kids--this causes disconnection from their values of caring, connecting, and protecting in there family. Now there is a perpetuated disconnection from their moral values. The values and the pain are two sides of the same coin... the fact that I feel guilt means my moral compass is still intact” - - Dr. Wyatt Evans
4. Other Causes of Moral Injury:
Caveat: There is some debate over what constitutes a morally injurious event. It usually takes place in a high stakes context where physical and psychological threat are significant.
Dr. Wyatt Evans and colleague wrote a workbook on moral injury that can be used by:
The workbook can be an aid in moral healing. The workbook has 3 parts: understanding moral injury and moral values; core ACT processes; and forgiveness, compassion for others, and self compassion.
6. Words of Wisdom from Dr. Wyatt Evans:
1) Encourage care—self care and professional care. Moral injury isn’t a mental health disorder, but it often does require extra support from a professional in the recovery and healing process. 2) Don’t collude with avoidance. Oftentimes partners and family members are attempting to be helpful in allowing avoidance of emotional pain, but it actually deprives the person of staying connected to their values. Stand next to them and with them in the emotional pain of the moral injury. 3) Invite and encourage connection. Moral injury is a social wound—a fraying of the fabric that connects us together. Invite them to stay connected and in touch with their moral values.
Working with Dr. Wyatt Evans:
Dr. Evans has a small private practice in the Dallas/ Fort Worth Area. For more information on working with him, see www.drwyattevans.com . Purchase The Moral Injury Workbook here!
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!! Liz's Useful Links: Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS: 1.What is trauma? Webster's definition defines this broadly as “an emotional upset”--which is probably too broad. It is important to look at the spectrum of stressful things a person can experience during their lifetime. The low end of the spectrum is everyday life stressors; the middle area of the spectrum might be things like moving, divorce, or the loss of a loved one. The impact of the stressors makes a difference--whether it has a positive or negative impact on your life. Moving or divorce could be very stressful but not result in a mental health diagnosis. The very top end of that spectrum is where we get into the trauma arena. The DMS-5 (manual for mental health disorders) describes trauma as an experience of witnessing or being exposed to death, serious injury, or sexual assault. The ICD-10 (international classification of diseases from the world health organization) definition is a bit broader--it includes those same three categories but also includes experiences that would put someone in situations to be physically or psychologically injured. Regardless of the definition, they are extreme stressors that are outside of everyday life. Most people, when they experience trauma, are going to recover.” -- Dr. Andy Santanello 
2. Trauma could result in recovery, PTSD, or other mental health diagnoses such as a depression or anxiety disorder.
It is when people get chronically stuck in the recovery process that they develop PTSD. Right after a traumatic event, it is normal to experience a lot of memories of the event coming to mind. Sometimes these memories are triggered by being around something that reminds the person of the event. There are also changes in how emotions are experienced, such as a proneness to looking for threat in the environment and people feel keyed up. Others feel emotionally numb. There are often changes to how someone experiences anxiety--like being easily startled, feeling jumpy, or feeling like they always have to be on guard and look for danger. Lastly, people tend to cope through avoidance. Generally this is good judgement; but when they try to avoid the thoughts and feelings from the trauma, it makes it harder for them to recover.
3. Trauma also impacts couples and families.
Intimacy--both sexual and emotional intimacy--can be hard for trauma survivors. With friends and families there can be a sense of being alone, that others won't understand, and that it's better to push others away. It’s hard to feel like you want to be emotionally or physically close to someone if you are feeling incredibly vulnerable” --Dr. Andy Santanello
4. What can partners do to be helpful?
5. If you have experienced trauma and are continuing to struggle, make sure to get help for yourself first. Couples therapy can be helpful as well.
If you are not meeting your own needs and not taking care of yourself, it's going to be really hard to be helpful to anyone else” -- Dr. Andy Santanello
Words of Wisdom from Dr. Andy Santanello:
Working with Dr. Andy Santanello:
Dr. Santanello has a small private practice in Baltimore, MD. For more information on working with him, see http://www.santanellopsych.com/ .
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening!  Photo by SYLO Productions
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS:
1. Dr. Rev. Clyde Angel is a veteran, and retired Veterans Affairs Chaplain; he worked as a mental health chaplain, was a Chief Chaplain, and was the national program coordinator for the Warrior to Soulmate program for veteran couples to work on communication. He is a lIcensed professional counselor and has done individual counseling for PTSD, spirituality, and veteran couples. 
It really does come down to communication…Listening is the key to communication”. -- Dr. Rev. Clyde Angel
2. Bonding is a combination of emotional openness and physical closeness with another person. It is a biological need. We can fulfill all of our other biological needs except for bonding--this is the only one where we need someone else to help us meet that need. Learning how to bond and become close to someone else is an important part of communication process especially when one partner has experienced a traumatic event.
The number one spiritual wound of trauma is shattered trust.”
3. It is important to remember that you can love the person even when you don’t like their behaviors. Love is a choice and you can't make someone love someone. But when people say they aren’t “in-love” is that they aren't feeling the motion of love. I often help couples refocus on what behaviors are causing problems in the relationship and ask partners for a specific behavior change.
One of the great wounds of life is feeling unheard”. -- Dr. Rev. Clyde Angel
7. The next thing for improving relationships is forgiveness. Spirituality is about purpose and meaning--why am I here and what is life all about? With forgiveness there are a lot of mixed messages. It is impossible to forgive and forget. We don't forget our physical wounds. Emotional and spiritual wounding is something we remember because it hurts. Forgiving is much more about making peace with the past. Forgiveness is the glue of a relationship.
9. Moral injury is a spiritual injury. Spirituality has to do with life's meaning and purpose, but also about how we connect to others. Trauma shatters our spiritual formation and trust, and leaves a wound in how we view ourselves and who we are. Self-forgiveness is needed for healing this injury--for some this may mean sharing the story with someone you trust.
Words of Wisdom from Dr. Rev. Clyde Angel:
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”.
Thanks for Listening!
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS:
1. We all need support for our individuality in our own endeavors but we also need love and closeness and sex. When people get married, one partner tends to want more closeness and connection, whereas the other person may want to focus on their life purpose and autonomy. Often times women want to talk to feel emotionally close before they want sex; whereas men typically want sex to feel emotionally close because men often feel emotional closeness through their bodies. Men may want sex to feel emotionally safe enough to talk with their partner. While this is a stereotypical gender normed example, it is an example that commonly happens. 
It doesn’t have to be a power struggle, we can come to each other in vulnerability and talk about our needs and our feelings”. -- paraphrased from Dr. Laurie Watson
2. Couples can feel very differently about the importance of sex in a marriage.
For many people there is a huge discrepancy for how couples rate the importance of sex in a relationships. For those with a lot of testosterone, their emotional connection is formed from the body and felt physically in the body. The big problem is when people are mismatched--and women and men are often mismatched in sex drive. Women’s sex drive is often formed in their mind and imagination. They allow themselves to transform sexual energy throughout the day and transform in into a readiness for sex. They store up the energy in their mind, or actively cultivate sexual feelings through mental fantasy, in order to be ready for sex with their partner. Women tend to be able to take that energy and store it for when it can be released with their partner. For women it is important to be able to do this--eroticism has to be actively developed, it does not happen naturally. Women need to learn how to be able to communicate directly about the mood and context needed to feel sexual. Women need to “show and tell” to help men know what they want because the messages men get from porn are not accurate for what feels good to most women. Most women have orgasms through clitoral stimulation. Only about 4%-20% of women can orgasm through sexual intercourse. Women need to show their partners what they like even though it's vulnerable and scary. Knowing what blocks you and what turns you on is really important in developing an erotic core.” -- Dr. Laurie Watson 
3. The majority of times during sex, women need to orgasm or they wont want to keep having sex.
Men very rarely learn that the cliterous is analogous to the penis in men. Most men want their partners to orgasm, but men and women have different bodies. For women, vibrators can be helpful in decreasing the time if needed, especially for a weeknight quickie. The 20-20 solution: It takes women 20 minutes of foreplay to get ready for sex and then 20 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm.” -- paraphrased from Dr. Laurie Watson
4. How to keep things erotic over long distance and deployment?
There has to be a great deal of intention about maintaining emotional and physical connection while they are gone. About 70% of soldiers have PTSD and have been traumatized. If you have PTSD, then you are likely changed and traumatized sexually; this is because sex requires us to let down our guard to be merged with someone else. But the military trains you to be vigilant and on watch, which is the opposite of sex where you are supposed to let everything go and merge. The difficulty is how do I let go, and let my guard down, when all my training says that that's going to be dangerous for me”. -- paraphrased from Dr. Laurie Watson 
Maintaining connection at a distance needs to have an agreement about regularity--texting, sexting, talking dirty, and talking about the longing in your body are all helpful. This can be hard for women who were socialized to not talk about sex. Women particularly need to feel desired. But men tend to need to hear that their partners want them sexually. It helps men to know that you want them in the way that they feel it the most--which is often physically. This is what helps them feel desired. All humans need to feel desired.
Men need explicit talk about how she desires him too.” -- Dr. Laurie Watson
Words of Wisdom from Dr. Laurie Watson:
You can listen to Foreplay Sex Radio to help you and your partner understand female orgasm as well as maintaining sexuality after a traumatic event! Listen to the Foreplay Radio Sex Therapy here https://www.foreplayrst.com/ .
Working with Dr. Laurie Watson:
Dr. Watson the Director of Awakens Counseling and is the host of Foreplay Radio Sex Therapy. For more information on Awakens Counseling, see https://awakeningscenter.org/therapists/laurie-watson/ . You can listen to Foreplay Radio Sex Therapy here https://www.foreplayrst.com/ .
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
We are on the leading edge or the cutting edge of science when it comes to love and relationships” - Dr. Victoria Holroyd
MAIN POINTS:
Affairs are connected to love.
Love is all about emotional connection….it is an emotional resonance. I don’t just logically understand what my partner is saying, I emotionally understand.”
The majority of affairs are born out of loneliness.
The quality of our relationship determines the quality of our lives.” The 7 Types of Affairs
The majority of affairs are born out of loneliness.” - Dr. Victoria Holroyd
Words of Wisdom from Dr. Victoria Holroyd:
Couples really need help from a therapist to help them process and have the difficult conversations that are too painful to talk about on their own--going it alone rarely works for couples. It is also important to make sure that both partners actually want to improve the relationship, and that the affair is over--the affair needs to be over for effective couples therapy. There is hope for relationships after an affair and the relationship can be even stronger than it was before the affair.
Working with Dr. Victoria Holroyd:
Dr. Holroyd is able to accept clients in New York and Virginia. She founded The Relationship Center of Hampton Roads which has two offices--one in Norfolk Virginia and another in Williamsburg Virginia. For more information, see https://www.relationshipcenterva.com/ .
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”.
Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky, MSW, LCSW, is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Virginia (#0904011022), South Carolina (#11302), and Arkansas (#7735-C). She is also licensed as a Resident in Marriage and Family Therapy in Virginia (#0730000567) under the supervision of Dr. Victoria Holroyd at The Relationship Center at East Beach.
My podcast, blogs, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my blog posts and newsletters is not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The blog posts and newsletters are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
Everyone has to start over in life, and if you are a military family then that is definitely the case. What makes change so hard? Have you wondered how to start over and create a new life for yourself?
In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses relationship dynamics of divorce, deployment, and remarriage and how to start over. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
What is really hard is when you lose someone who meant the world to you, who was your home.”
Life transitions are inevitable especially with military life.
Each transition comes with a lot of stress as roles change.
Kids start feeling stressed because you are stressed.”
Create a new normal through routines and rituals.
Rituals help people process the grief and are a symbol of moving on to something new.”
Pick a better partner in the future. It is not usually one partner’s fault that the relationship didn’t work. It takes two to tango and there are often situational reasons for the relationship to end. However it is also important to think about your pattern for how you picked out partners in the past and how your formed relationships. You can increase the likelihood of your future relationships a little better by examining your patterns. This is where therapy can be really helpful. For example if you have a pattern of feeling like you are the responsible one in the relationship, or if you consistently pick people who are not emotionally available, then therapy can help you figure out how to change your pattern and pick someone where that pattern won't be recreated.
What do you really want in a relationship moving forward? Do you want the same pattern or do you want to change it up?”
ACTION STEPS:
If you are newly single or are getting remarried, decide on one new tradition that can be part of the new normal. Start making it happen.
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!! Liz's Useful Links: Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential. |
The Communicate & Connect Podcast
In Communicate & Connect For Military Relationships, I provide educational tips for relationships, communication, and navigating military family life. AuthorHey, I'm Elizabeth Polinsky and I am a marriage counselor in the Hampton Roads area. Categories
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