Communicate & Connect Show Notes

Podcast Episode 006: Relationship Dynamics: Divorce, Deployment, and Remarriage

9/14/2020

Everyone has to start over in life, and if you are a military family then that is definitely the case. What makes change so hard? Have you wondered how to start over and create a new life for yourself?

In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses relationship dynamics of divorce, deployment, and remarriage and how to start over.

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY:

Life transitions are inevitable especially with military life.
Each transition comes with a lot of stress as roles change.
Creating a new normal can be hard but doable.
If you are newly single, think about whether you should change your pattern of picking romantic partners.

What is really hard is when you lose someone who meant the world to you, who was your home.”

Life transitions are inevitable especially with military life.

It is hard to imagine the loss of a loved one but they happen every day. When this happens, people have to create a new normal. Other types of transitions include divorce, break ups, moves, widowhood, single parenthood, remarriage, etc. Military life involves a lot of unique transitions such as long distance relationships, frequent moves, deployment, and trauma exposure, to name a few.
Another transition that impacts families is when people get remarried. In that case both partners have to create a new normal as well as their kids.

Each transition comes with a lot of stress as roles change.

Typical challenges happen when you have to take on new roles, make a switch to co-parenting, or just dealing with life stress--like employment stress, financial concerns, a long to-do list, or limited social support. One of the challenges is transitioning to taking on new roles in what you are responsible for and building a new support system.
Kids can face a number of typical challenges when there is a family transition. They might have more anxiety or feel more depressed. They might act out and get in trouble. Or kids sometimes get quiet or perfect and mature--these kids often get overlooked because they don’t look like they are struggling. However, kids shouldn’t be too mature for their age as it is often a sign of anxiety.

Kids start feeling stressed because you are stressed.”

Create a new normal through routines and rituals.

Rituals are like ceremonies and traditions. Examples include wedding and birthdays or graduation. This is how you celebrate big life changes and mark a transition in life. It is important to think about the types of rituals you want as a family--for example how do we as a family say goodbye to our home or town, and how to we say hello to our new home. There could be rituals for deployments and homecomings as well.
Routines are similar but they don’t have the same meaning. They are about the structure and schedule of the day or the week. This could include when people wake up and go to bed, or when they cook food and go grocery shopping. Routines get disrupted when there is a life change. You want to be intentional about what you want the new routine to be like and stick to that--this can help you through a transition and create a new normal.

Rituals help people process the grief and are a symbol of moving on to something new.”

Pick a better partner in the future. It is not usually one partner’s fault that the relationship didn’t work. It takes two to tango and there are often situational reasons for the relationship to end. However it is also important to think about your pattern for how you picked out partners in the past and how your formed relationships. You can increase the likelihood of your future relationships a little better by examining your patterns. This is where therapy can be really helpful. For example if you have a pattern of feeling like you are the responsible one in the relationship, or if you consistently pick people who are not emotionally available, then therapy can help you figure out how to change your pattern and pick someone where that pattern won't be recreated.

What do you really want in a relationship moving forward? Do you want the same pattern or do you want to change it up?”

ACTION STEPS:
If you are newly single or are getting remarried, decide on one new tradition that can be part of the new normal. Start making it happen.

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Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”.

Thanks for Listening!

Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.

DISCLAIMER:
My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

Podcast Episode 005: 5 Signs You’re In a Happy Relationship

9/14/2020

How do you know if you are in a good relationship? What is the science behind happy and healthy relationships? Have you wondered if there is anything that is proven to help improve your relationship?

In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses 5 signs of happy relationships.

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY:

Communication and connection are important elements of happy and healthy relationships.
Being responsive to your partner’s attempts at connecting with you will help improve your connection and the quality of the relationship.
Own your insecurities, behaviors, and ways you contribute to problems.
Sex can have a big role in relationship satisfaction.

1. A sign of a happy relationship is the ability to Communicate & Connect with your partner

Make sure to check out Episode 3 for more information on communication and Episode 4 for more information on connection in relationships.
If you are able to communicate and have a sense of emotional closeness and emotional safety in the relationship, then that is your first sign of a happy relationship. You want to have 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction in the relationships and send clear and direct messages to your partner. Lastly, in a happy relationship you should feel like your partner is your home and your safe place.

Your partner cannot read your mind. They do not know that they hurt your feelings or what you want unless you tell them. But you have to tell them in a way that they will hear it”.

2. A sign of a happy relationship is the ability to be responsive to bids for relationship attention.

What are bids? A bid is anytime your partner is trying to get your attention.
There are three common responses that happen when someone tries to get their partners attention:
- they might ignore you,
- they might criticize or make fun of or dismiss you, or
- they might capitalize on the situation by treating it as an opportunity to connect with you.
If you and your partner are responsive to bids and capitalize on those moments as time to connect, then this is a sign of a happy relationship.

3. A sign of a happy relationship is mutual kindness. The next sign of a happy relationship is kindness and agreeableness. Kindness isn’t hard to do because empathy is hard wired in the brain. All you have to do is pay attention to your partner's emotions. Blocks to kindness are not paying attention, relationship anxiety, or being overly focused on yourself.

If you are focused on the other person, the part of your brain that is hardwired for empathy will kick in and it will be easier to be kind to each other.”

4. A sign of a happy relationship is the ability to owning your sh*t!

If you and your partner can own your own stuff then that is a sign of a happy relationship. If that is not happening, then my top recommendations are to go to therapy and to learn to cope with your own anxiety, emotional pain, and mental health. Too often couples say that it is their partners fault and they don’t realize that how they act in relationships influences how their partners interact with them. Therapy helps you understand your own role in relationships.

Own your stuff; go to therapy and learn to cope.”

5. A sign of a happy relationship is the ability to talk about sex and increase sexual satisfaction.

Sexual satisfaction increases relationship satisfaction. But emotional connection increases sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction. So the more emotionally satisfied you are, the more sexually satisfied you can be and the more satisfied you can be in the relationship.
You’ve got to talk about sex. So many people grew up in an environment that old them that sex was bad or only good if it happens in a certain way. Talking about sex is hard for couples to talk about because it is a vulnerable place where people can feel very rejected by their partner. You’ve got to communicate about it and respond kindly.

ACTION STEPS:
Capitalize on the relationship bids and add in a little extra kindness!

Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

Liz's Useful Links:

Podcast Episode 004: How to reconnect with your partner

9/14/2020

What makes relationships feel so good and so special? Have you wondered how to recreate those loving feelings you used to have with your partner?

In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses how to reconnect with your partner.

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY:

According to the Gottman Institute, couples need a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.
The key to connection is a secure attachment bond with your partner.
Secure attachment bonds lead to improved physical and mental health.
Most people experience blocks to connection that have developed as ways to cope with overwhelming emotions in relationships.

Connection is about feeling; a felt experience that my partner is there for me”.

According to the Gottman Institute, couples need a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Couples headed toward divorce have an 0.8 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. This means that negative interactions are significantly more impactful on relationships than the positive interaction. Therefore decreasing the negative interactions, while increasing the positive ones can help build relationship connection.

I can either add positivity or negativity to a relationship”.

The key to connection is a secure attachment bond with your partner.

An attachment bond is a biological system that allows us to develop a close relationship and a close connection to those we rely on. This is often parents or caregivers in childhood. It helps maintain the physical and emotional closeness in the relationship to help insure that your needs are met.
Based on childhood experiences, people develop secure or insecure attachment bonds. Secure bonds provide a safe place to return home to and provide self-confidence to go explore the world. Then in adulthood, people tend to develop these attachment bonds to their romantic partners.
Everyone has an attachment style which in their internal map of whether relationships can be trustworthy and reliable.

You can have a healthy secure attachment bond to your significant other. When someone has this close connected relationship to their partner they feel like they have a home to go back to, it is their person.”

Secure attachment bonds lead to improved physical and mental health.

The more connected and safe someone feels with their partner allows someone to feel more self-confident and self-esteem. It helps people take professional risk and go explore the world because you know there is someone who is in your corner supporting you.
60% of adults have a secure attachment style.
Feelings on insecurity in a relationship makes it hard to connect. The goal is then to build a sense of security and and safety and comfort in the relationship.
Security in your relationship improves your physical and mental health, improves your relationship with others, and decreases your physical pain.

You want your spouse to be your primary support system and who you can go to for comfort.”

Most people experience blocks to connection that have developed as ways to cope with overwhelming emotions in relationships.

People get protective of their emotions when they feel hurt. Even when your partner hurts you unintentionally, people will respond defensively in predictable ways.
People tend to respond by getting defensive, critical, or blaming; or the will emotionally shut down and withdraw away from their partner.
People often repeat these same patterns but expect different results because they get trapped in these self protective patterns of defensiveness. The key is shared vulnerability and kindness.

Kindness is the key to increasing positivity in your relationship.”

ACTION STEPS:
Increase the positives in your relationship--go do something nice with your partner that you know they will like.

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Podcast Episode 003: How to get your partner to listen

9/14/2020

Ever wonder why communication is so hard? Have you felt like you and your partner were speaking different languages when you talk? Have you felt stuck on how to get your partner to understand where you are coming from?

In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses how to get your partner to listen by understanding what makes communication so hard.

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY:

Communication is hard because 93% of communication is tone of voice & body language--only 7% is what you actually say.
Communication is hard because people listen to respond instead of listening with the goal of listening and understanding.
Communication is hard because we don’t say what we really mean or what we really want to protect ourselves from potential rejection.
The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse discussed by the Gottman Institute are ways we try to protect ourselves in relationships that actually ruin them. These include:
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Contempt
- Stonewalling
To get your partner to listen:
- Match your tone of language, body language, and words.
- Listen to understand and confirm understanding before responding.
- Say what you mean and what you want in a kind way.
- Be brave and get vulnerable.

Communication is actually really hard”.

Communication is hard because 93% of communication is tone of voice & body language--only 7% is what you actually say. No wonder there are miscommunications! Only 7% of your words get a cross to someone else. We all need to learn to make our body language and tone of voice consistent with our words for greater success at communication.

Communication is hard because people listen to respond instead of listening with the goal of listening and understanding. People are often in their heads worrying about how to respond to what their partners are telling them. Because we are all in our heads so much, people often miss the emotional content because they are listening for the logical content of conversations. But love relationships are all about the emotional content of a conversation.

Most people listen to formulate a response to the other person.”

Communication is hard because we don’t say what we really mean or what we really want to protect ourselves from potential rejection. People avoid discussing difficult and emotionally risky conversations. If they do discuss it, then sometimes people will hint at what they mean or want but the real message never gets across because people can’t pick up on hints! Avoiding altogether or hinting at things is often due to wanting to avoid the riskiness of starting a fight or the riskiness of feeling rejected by a partner. So instead of being direct, people often develop protective ways of communicating.

The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse discussed by the Gottman Institute are ways we try to protect ourselves in relationships that actually ruin them.

Criticism is attacking someone's character instead of stating that you don’t like their behavior. Instead, try to use I statements and talk about your feelings.
Contempt is a feeling superiority that comes out as sarcasm, sneering, name calling, eye rolling, and hostile humor. Contempt is the greatest predictor of relationship failure. Instead, focus on building a culture of respect and appreciation in the relationship.
Defensiveness is similar to righteous indignation or playing the victim; it does not solve the problem and it is often an underhanded way of blaming a partner. Instead, make sure to take responsibility for your part in a conflict, even if it’s a small part,
Stonewalling is withdrawing and shutting down. Instead, try taking a 20 minute break to calm down and then return to the conversation.

Stonewalling happens when things get too heated and too intense.”

The Gottman's at the Gottman Institute can predict with 90% accuracy that relationships will fail if these communication strategies aren’t changed.

How to get your partner to listen

Match your tone of language, body language, and words.
Listen to understand and confirm understanding before responding.
Say what you mean and what you want in a kind way.
Be brave and get vulnerable.

The first step in getting your partner to listen to you is for you to actively listen to your partner... is for you to stop and think with some intentionality about how you communicate with your partner.”

ACTION STEPS:
Just listen to your partner. Repeat back to them what they said. Don’t try to form a response. Just make sure you got what they were saying.

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Podcast Episode 002: How we f* up relationships

9/14/2020

Ever wonder how relationships go wrong? Have you experienced confusion about how things changed in your marriage? Have you felt stuck with constant miscommunications and relationship tension?

In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses 5 reasons why relationships go wrong.

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY:

We compare ourselves to others without actually knowing what their relationships are like.
There is a lack of education, role models, and good advice on relationships.
93% of communication is tone of voice & body language--only 7% is what you actually say.
We repeat self-protective patterns which prevent emotional closeness and connection in relationships.
Life stress is a b*tch.

We compare ourselves to others without actually knowing what their relationships are like. However, we only see the front of others' relationships--we don't see what is actually going on. Additionally, societal messages teach us that relationships should look perfect.

Even at the grocery store we’re hearing ‘theres something wrong with your relationship’, ‘no ones going to want you if you don’t look a certain way or have sex a certain way or talk and communicate a certain way’.”

There is a lack of education, role models, and good advice on relationships.

There is no formal education on healthy relationships.
Societal messages through the media are sensational. They emphasize emotional roller coaster relationships that are often unhealthy and unrealistic.
Many people do not have good relationship role models growing up.
The people we go to for advice on relationships often do not have good relationships themselves limiting the quality of the advice.

There is no education in school on happy and healthy relationships and people often do not have good relationship role models.”

93% of communication is tone of voice & body language--only 7% is what you actually say. No wonder there are miscommunications! Only 7% of your words get a cross to someone else. We all need to learn to make our body language and tone of voice consistent with our words for greater success at communication.
We repeat self-protective patterns which prevent emotional closeness and connection in relationships. People push their partners away and shut down when they are hurt, or they become critical and demanding. These are emotional self protection behaviors. What is needed to move forward is vulnerability and kindness.

In order to have healthy happy relationships, both partners need to feel safe to be vulnerable and be able to respond with kindness when their partner is vulnerable.”

Life stress is a b*tch. Mental illness, financial struggles, deployment, and life transition cause more stress. When there is more stress for couples, it typically increase miscommunications leading to differences in sex drive and decreases relationship satisfaction.

ACTION STEPS:
As you go about your day over the next few days, try to notice all the images of relationships and see what the societal messages are--TV, movies, tabloids, etc. See if you see the 1) this is perfect and 2) yours isn’t good enough messages.

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Podcast Episode 001: An Introduction to The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships

9/14/2020

Have you experienced problems in a relationship? Has the military lifestyle interfered with your ability to communicate and connect in your marriage? How can you manage the stress of military life while also navigating the regular relationship problems couples face?

Military Marriage Problems are common! That is why The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships was started. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky shares her story and the vision for The Communicate & Connect Podcast.

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY

Vision for The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships
Who is Elizabeth (Liz) Polinsky?
What does she do?
Why the military?
Why relationships?

Loving and being loved is one of the greatest gifts to myself and a partner"

Podcast Vision: The vision of the podcast is to help couples communicate better, reconnect in their relationship, and help couples create the best relationships they can have.

Liz is a military spouse and grew up in a military family. She grew up in El Paso Texas and currently lives in Norfolk Virginia with her husband and their 2 dogs and cat.

Working with a couple and family has a big impact on helping people feel whole and fulfilled in relationships”

Liz is a relationship therapist that specializes in military marriage problems. She is a licensed clinical social worker, mental health therapist, and a military marriage counselor. At the time of this episode, she is also a Ph.D. Student in marriage and family therapy.

I’ve failed a lot at relationships before I was able to change the patterns in my relationships”

Prior to moving to Virginia, she worked at the Veterans Affairs Clinic in Pensacola FL. Having grown up in a military family and being a military spouse has motivated her to specialize in working with military members, veterans, and their families. She loves working with active duty military members and their families in order to prevent and heal marriage problems.

Being in a relationship is hard enough, and adding on military life adds a lot of unique challenges”

Before getting married, she had many painful relationships in the past, including losing 2 finance’s, which motivated her to learn as much about relationships as she could. She decided to switch from individual therapy to couple therapy because of the impact couples therapy can have on helping families and not just individuals.

Oftentimes we just need to get out of our own way to have the fulfilling relationships we want. This podcast is all about getting out of our own way using the science of love relationships."

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Forward>>

Podcast Episode 006: Relationship Dynamics: Divorce, Deployment, and Remarriage

IN THIS PODCAST

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Podcast Episode 005: 5 Signs You’re In a Happy Relationship

IN THIS PODCAST

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Podcast Episode 004: How to reconnect with your partner

IN THIS PODCAST

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Podcast Episode 003: How to get your partner to listen

IN THIS PODCAST

How to get your partner to listen

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Podcast Episode 002: How we f* up relationships

IN THIS PODCAST

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Podcast Episode 001: An Introduction to The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships

IN THIS PODCAST

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