Communicate & Connect
  • Home
  • Listen to the Podcast
  • services
    • Workshops & Retreats
    • Counseling
  • Questions?

Podcast Episode 33: Sharing Personal Experiences with Lisa Liguori

12/1/2022

0 Comments

 
Very few people actually want advice when they are coming to you with a problem! In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews Lisa Ligouri on the benefits of sharing personal experiences versus problem solving or advice giving in personal relationships. 

IN THIS PODCAST

  • The difference between experience sharing and advice giving
  • How experience sharing can lead to deeper connection and relationships
  • Steps in successful experience sharing
  • Ways military couples can use experience sharing
Picture

Introduction to Lisa Liguori

Lisa Ligouri is passionate about facilitating communication and connection with (and for) those around her. Though she has been helping companies flourish as a venture capital investor for over 20 years, her deepest passion is leading peer groups. In these groups, individuals share their life experiences with one another to combat isolation and accelerate their personal growth.

She is also the host of Advice Column Podcast (a podcast that also uses experience-sharing to empower people). Lisa is empowering people to build authentic connection with others and to gain wisdom through sharing.

She has worked to promote experience-sharing in a variety of settings. She has practiced this in business settings, with her family, and in peer-groups where they used the experience sharing format. She has also used the same format in her marriage to improve her relationship with her husband. In each of these settings, when she started to practice reflective listening and experiencing sharing, the emotional safety in the relationship increased. 

Why it's better to share experiences than give advice:

Often times people get annoyed when you give them suggestions and start problem solving their situation. This is because most people are seeking understanding, validation, and to know they aren't alone in their experience.

When you give advice, it often creates distance with people because it creates inequality by suggesting you know better than they do--and it also create inequality in emotional vulnerability. In contrast, experience sharing puts you both as equals and as vulnerable together--something that leads to more emotional connection. 
Shared vulnerability builds trust." - Lisa Ligouri

How to practice sharing personal experiences: 

To practice Experience Sharing:
  1. Listen to the feeling someone is sharing. 
  2. Reflect back that you understand what they are feeling, even if you would feel differently in the situation they are describing. For example: "It sounds like you feel X", or ,  "It sounds like you feel frustrated".
  3. Then ask permission to share a similar experience you have had. 
  4. Share something from your own life that might be of relevance that someone can use. It should be stated as an "I statement" and it should be about something from your past. 
  5. Lastly, trust them to be able to make their own decisions about the situation. 

The types of communication that facilitate meaningful connection:

Vulnerability is really important for feeling connected in relationships. It builds trust.  Even though you may want to hold your vulnerable feelings inside, when you share vulnerably you often have a higher quality conversation, feel more connected, and take steps to make the relationship stronger. 

It's common for couples--especially when their is distance from work trips or deployments--to have insecurities. For example, many people worry that their spouse wont love them anymore or will no longer be physically attracted to them once they return home. These types of insecurities can be hard to share with your partner; and when you can share them in an "I statement" format and in a vulnerable way, it has the potential to lead to deeper conversation and feeling of connection for  your both. 

 How Lisa learned to share her experiences: 

For Lisa, she read the book called Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson and went to couples counseling to help her develop a pattern of experience sharing versus advice giving in her marriage. 

Lisa also found journalling to be helpful. Journalling allowed her process and self-reflect on her emotions in order to be able to share them with someone else. 

In the interview, Lisa discussed how each time you are vulnerable it is easier to be more vulnerable in the future. The repetition helps a lot. 
Picture

When sharing doesn't feel safe: 

Evaluating the safety of the relationship is important when it comes to sharing experiences. You might start with dipping your toes into the vulnerability and see if it is safe to continue being vulnerable.

A way to see if someone is safe to be vulnerable with is to try sharing something that is just a little vulnerable, and then see if they match your vulnerability by sharing in return.  Do they meet you in the vulnerable space? Are they on the same path and willing to try to engage in the same way?

Big feelings of connection come when someone is willing to engage and meet you in the vulnerable places. The level of depth of sharing from your heart--when someone joins you there is very powerful. At the same time not everyone is willing or open or able to do that. So it is often wise to tread carefully and not bear your soul to everyone. 
Picture

Tips for military couples:

Active duty service members are gone a lot. There is a difficulty in being separated from your spouse, but also being separated from family and friends when you move every few years. Sharing personal experiences can be a tool for developing meaningful friendships for military couples who are moving to a new place, feeling isolated, as well as improve thing connection in the relationship. 

One of the things they use in the experience sharing peer groups is a tool called the 5%. They bring the 5% best and worst parts of life that they don't share with the general public. This helps take the conversation to a depth that is significant--versus just staying on the surface with easy stuff. Trust and confidentiality is a significant part of these groups.

So when making friends, drop down into some vulnerability to take the conversation to a deeper level. You can test the waters to see if someone will match your vulnerability. You want to goo slowly to test if the trust and confidentiality is developing between you in the new relationship. 
As with any skill, learning a skill in communication takes time" --Lisa Ligouri

​Learn more about working with Lisa:

Lisa's number one tip is to ask your spouse if they are up for trying this, even once a week. You can also download her free worksheet on 5 Pitfalls to Avoid when Giving Advice here.

​
If you are interested in learning more about Lisa or working with her, you can find her the following ways:
  • Through the  Advice Column Podcast.
  • Through Lisa's website

Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!

Liz's Useful Links: 
  • Download the Getting Ready for Marriage Checklist here. 
  • YouTube
  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • Linked In
  • Work with Liz
  • Listen to other Episodes
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”.

Thanks for listening!
Picture
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz has offices in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and Fallon, Nevada, and also provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

​
​DISCLAIMER: 
My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

Join the Newsletter

Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

    We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
    Built with ConvertKit
    0 Comments

    Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


    Leave a Reply.

      The Communicate & Connect Podcast
      In Communicate & Connect For Military Relationships, I provide educational tips for relationships, communication, and navigating military family life.

      Author

      Hey, I'm Elizabeth "Liz" Polinsky and I am a marriage counselor in Virginia Beach. I provide online counseling across the states of VA, SC, AR, and NV. 

      Looking for couples counseling? Schedule your free 20-minute consultation here. ​

      Categories

      All
      Helping W/ Mental Health
      LGBT
      Love Languages
      Marriage/ Couple Therapy
      Podcast Episodes
      Preparing For Marriage
      Welcome!

      RSS Feed

      Sign up for my newsletter.

        I'll respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at anytime.

        Powered By ConvertKit
        PRIVACY POLICY 
        TERMS OF USE 
        CONTACT
      Picture

      The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships

      A podcast devoted to explaining relationship science so military couples can thrive despite the unique challenges of military life. 

      Telephone

      (757) 354-1157

      Email

      liz@communicateandconnectpodcast.com
      PRIVACY POLICY | TERMS OF USE | CONTACT | COUNSELING WEBSITE
      • Home
      • Listen to the Podcast
      • services
        • Workshops & Retreats
        • Counseling
      • Questions?