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What's the best way to handle finances as a couple? This is the fifth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of being on the same page with your couple finances.
IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS:
1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage: It’s wedding season now and I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!
2. Research on couples and money:
According to a new survey by Ramsey Solutions:
Transparency is one of the biggest skills needed for marriage." -- Elizabeth Polinsky
3. Three ways of handling money:
You could do joint accounts, separate accounts, a mixture. I recommend at least one joint account for military couples. If you have separate accounts, consider putting a percentage or specific amount into a joint account. If you start off with a joint account; maybe consider having an amount or percentage to use for personal use. Generally good to have a mixture in case you want to get a surprise gift or something just for yourself while still making finances a team effort. 
4. Decide on a budget together:
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!
Liz's Useful Links:
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
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Do you know your relationship values? Are they the same as your partner's relationship values? This is the fourth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of knowing your personal values, your relationship values, and how to determine your relationship values together with your partner.
IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS:
1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage: It’s wedding season now and I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!
2. My Relationship Fail Moment:
Last thanksgiving, my husband and I were on a walk and came across an unmanned hot chocolate stand. My husband joked about stealing a marshmallow from the hot chocolate stand, and later that night I yelled at him and tell him how he wasn't a good man because he would consider stealing a marshmallow. This was a relationship fail on my part because I had let my anger build up instead of talking about the issue when it was happening. Looking back now, we see it as a funny story. But at the time, I was anger that he would even THINK about the possibility of stealing a marshmallow. My level of anger was related to my personal values, and thinking that my husband and I did not share the same values. More on this in a little bit... Values are about what you want to stand for in life" -- Elizabeth Polinsky
3. What are Personal Values:
Values are qualities of being that are important for who you are and what you want to stand for in life. For example, you could value curiosity, adventure, honesty, service, community, etc. For me, with the marshmallows, my personal values of honesty and respect were at play. Being respectful of other's property is important to me even if it is a marshmallow! So when my husband had the joke about stealing the marshmallow, it signaled to me that he didn't value respect the same way I did--and that was very frustrating. In relationships it is helpful to know your personal values as well as your partner's personal values because differences in values can be a source of conflict in relationships. If you can both identify your personal values and discuss them together, then maybe you can avoid marshmallow incident like what we had! It's important to know that your core values typically don't change over you life, although the priority might change over your life. For example, a value of service may always be important, but if you have young children then caring for them may be a higher priority than service while they are very young. It doesn't mean that the value of service isn't still a core value though. If you aren't sure what your personal values are, you can check out this list of personal values from Dr. Russ Harris as well as the youtube video below to help you figure out your personal life values.
4. Figuring out your relationship values.
In relationships it is important to be a team. It is important to decide together as a team what you want your family to stand for, what your your collective family core values will be. This may be different or similar to your personal core values. Examples of family values could be loyalty, financial stability, etc. There is something called an ACT Matrix that comes from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to help you determine your values. I go over how to use the ACT Matrix for your relationship in the YouTube Video below: You can Download the worksheet here!! This worksheet has the example worksheet I did in the youtube video, as well as a blank worksheet for you and your partner to fill out together! In the worksheet, you and your partner together ask yourselves these 5 questions:
Action Steps:
Download the worksheet for determining your relationship values here!
Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun. There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
What's my number one tips for marriage? This is the third episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of marriage meetings and how to have them.
IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS:
1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage: It’s wedding season now and I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!
2. My story with marriage meetings:
In past relationships I was always someone who couldn't let things go--especially if I was feeling anxious or worried that there was a conflict between me and my partner. I would bring things up over and over again. I would end up having a hard time just enjoying my quality time with my partner until things felt resolved--but of course it rarely felt resolved because there was never a good time to discuss it. Then my friend sent me a podcast called multiamory where they went over relationship RADAR meetings. I loved the idea of doing monthly relationship meetings, and when I started dating my husband (before I became a couple therapist) we began doing these meetings just a few months after starting to date. We still do them now and it is one of the most important things we do together that helps make our relationship work. Marriage meeting help you put things on the back-burner so you can be more present and enjoy your time together." -- Elizabeth Polinsky
3. Why have marriage meetings?
4. Typical Marriage Meeting Agenda:
Action Steps:
Download the template I use for my marriage check-in meetings and try one out with your partner here!
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential. How can you best prepare for marriage? This is the first episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the conversations to have before marriage. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS:
1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage: It’s wedding season now and I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here! It’s really common for people to get married without going over the foundational conversations needed to be prepared for marriage”. -- Elizabeth Polinsky
2. Why it is important to have marriage prep conversations before you get marriage.
There are a lot of topics that couples have difficulty finding a compromise on and these are important to talk about before you get married--whether you both want kids, whether or not you both find marriage to be important, whether you want to be monogamous or non-mongoamous, etc. For me , the topic was about my career and kids. I dated someone who was not willing to move from the area for my career progression and didn’t want kids. I am SOOOO glad we discussed this before getting married! It would have sucked to find this out after we were already married. It is important to have fulfillment and personal identity when even in a marriage.” -- Elizabeth Polinsky 
3. Top conversations to have before marriage.
It is so much more painful after you get married to find out that there was a big secret.” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
Action Steps:
Discuss kids, career, sex, and money with your partner. This is helpful to talk about no matter what stage of the relationship you are in--especially if you haven’t discussed these topics before.
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!
Liz's Useful Links:
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”.
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses how to use your insurance for couples counseling, including suggestions for military couples wishing to use Tricare insurance. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS:
1. Our story with Military OneSource: Our experiences with military one source were not great for premarital couples counseling. They sent us to someone with no experience in couples counseling. She never even asked us what problems we were dealing with or what we wanted to get out of therapy. Military one source may be great for individual counseling, but I tend to think that you should find the couples counselor you want to work with first that is specifically trained inn couples counseling, and then find a way to get it covered by insurance. Our experience of having someone who wasn’t trained in couples counseling really was not helpful. If you can financially do it, go with a therapist that is a good fit even if they don’t take your insurance” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
2. Why not all couples counselors take insurance
3. What to do if you find a couple therapist who doesn’t take insurance
4. Things to know if your couples counselor does take your insurance.
5. Using Tricare for couples counseling.
Actions Steps:
Go look up your insurance information and make sure you understand what your insurance covers in terms of mental health treatment, your deductible, your copay, if they cover family therapy (couples therapy is a type of family therapy), and how the rates differ in coverage for in-network versus out-of-network services.
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!! Liz's Useful Links: Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun. There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”. Thanks for Listening!  Photo by SYLO Productions.
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
MAIN POINTS:
1. Introduction to Dr. McNamara: Dr. McNamara is a social scientist, a researcher, and a social worker in the Air Force. She does clinical work, research, and teaching for the Air Force. For her Ph.D. dissertation, she was able to partner on DoD projects happening at her university which looked at the experiences of LGBT service members after the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. So many people go to therapy for troubled marriages” -- Dr. Kati McNamara
Even though people could serve opening in the military regardless of their sexual orientation starting in 2013, it wasn't until 2015 that same sex military couples have been respected as legit couples. Meaning that prior to 2015 and the federal rule recognizing same-sex marriage, spouses couldn't get an military ID's, health insurance, go to the commissary on their own, or pick up their kids from school on the military base. According to Dr. McNamara, “It’s an emotional and logistical problem.”
Between 2013 and 2015, several support groups formed to support same sex spouses:
If they hear a red flag--someone saying something negative about LGBT people--they code that as this person is probably not safe." -- Dr. Kati McNamara
3. Unique LGBT Couple and Family Military Experiences:
The ripples of all of this is what Dr. McNamara and her colleagues researched. When though "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" had been repealed a few years prior, when Dr. McNamara signed up for the military, her paperwork to sign up still had forms saying that she wouldn’t be in a same-sex relationship. According to Dr. McNamara, there is a lot of mental math that people who are LGBT do in looking for green flags that other people are safe to disclose their sexual orientation to. And they have to do this every time they PCS and move. In her and her colleagues research, they found that life is better after "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and everyone is generally glad that same sex marriage is recognized, and "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" was repealed. However, they also found that people who are LGBT often still wonder about anti-LGBT views at the individual level and about how military culture has not caught up with the policies. In the military, a lot of the resources for couples are with the chaplain. But historically there have been a lot of anti-LGBT chaplains in the military. There has also been a long history of trauma from the church toward LGBT individuals. This then puts a lot of couples off from considering going to the chaplain for help with their relationship. This experience of discrimination is related to physical and mental health problems--something called minority stress. There are between 75K - 100K LGBT service members, but LGBT folks have high attrition from the military because of minority stress and lack of acceptance. Young LGBT people are looking for someone at least 1 rank higher than them to be out in order to be out." -- Dr. Kati McNamara
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening!  Photo by SYLO Productions.
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential. Ever wonder if your relationship problems are solvable? Or what to do if your relationship problems aren't solvable? In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses which relationship problems are solvable, which one’s aren’t, and what to do about unsolvable relationship problems. 
IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS:
1. A Personal Story:
I remember a time when I went to a party with an ex-boyfriend. He was a night owl and I tend to have an early bedtime. I wanted to leave the party and he wanted to stay. This led to a fight, and we actually broke up a couple of months later. According to the Gottman Institute, 69% of relationship problems are unsolvable due to personality differences or life style preferences." -- Elizabeth Polinsky
2. Unsolvable Relationship Problems
According to the Gottman Institute, 69% of relationship problems are unsolvable due to personality differences or life style preferences. This is the case in both "good" and "babd" marriages. Examples include:
According to the Gottmans, good marriages use appreciation, acceptance, and a sense of humor when there are unsolvable problems.
4. Is your relationship problem solvable or unsolvable?
One way to know that a problem is an unsolvable personality or lifestyle preference problem is when it is a perpetual stuck conversation. In these cases, it is more important to get to the heart of the matter and the underlying meaning you are making from the problem. For example, one of you is a vegetarian and the other is a meat eater, and whenever your partner eats meat your feelings are hurt because you think they don't respect your preferences. The problem of being vegetarian versus a meat eater is unlikely to be solved. But the problem of feeling disrespected and hurt can be. When this is the case, you want to be vulnerable and share with your partner that your feelings are hurt and that you are worried they don't respect you. This allows you as a couple to address the underlying emotional hurts in order to have greater connection. Connection = sharing vulnerability + partner responsiveness" Elizabeth Polinsky
Actions Steps:
If you are mad, it might actually be because you feel hurt. The problem then is about the hurt emotions and that is what needs to be fixed not the content problem. People tend to feel stressed or neutral when there is an actual content problem that needs to be addressed. So tell your partner about the hurt feelings.
Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun. There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”. Thanks for Listening!  Photo by SYLO Productions.
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential. What is the hardest part of deployment for families? What can you expect when your loved one comes home after deployment? In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky answers these questions and more when she discusses how to navigate reintegration after deployment. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS:
1. A Personal Story of Reintegration
The last time my husband returned home, I spent days feeling really excited that he was coming home; but I also felt anxious about whether our relationship would still be the same. When I went to pick him up from, I suddenly felt really angry--which took both of us by surprise. It took me a while to realize that I was angry because he had left in the first place even though my logical mind understood that he can't control when the military tells him to go somewhere. I mention this story because even when people think they are prepared for deployment and reintegration after deployment, there are often unexpected emotional reactions that happen. What can go wrong will go wrong right when your partner leaves" -- Paraphrased from Elizabeth Polinsky 
2. The Impact of Deployment
The less secure your relationship is going into the deployment...the deployment can amplify the feelings of insecurity in the relationship" -- Paraphrased from Elizabeth Polinsky
3. Stages of Reintegration after Deployment
The key to couple relationships is recognizing your emotional experience, processing your emotional experience, and sharing it with your partner...this is where I see most couple relationships breakdown." -- Elizabeth Polinsky
4. Things that Help with Reintegration After Deployment
Action Steps:
In renegotiating roles and routines, try being open and honest about the finances and routines while offering for your service member to be included.
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening!  Photo by SYLO Productions
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
***Trigger Warning: This episode briefly discusses history of abuse***
Is love worth the risk?
In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews April, a military spouse, on her experiences of taking the risk on love. We discuss challenges of military family life and infertility, as well as tips for communicating and growing closer together despite obstacles. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS: Introduction to April: April is a military spouse, 23 yrs old, and has been married 4 years. Creating a life she loves with her husband has been one of the best things to happen. The Love Story: He was the server at a restaurant that she went to when celebrating her birthday. Her friends gave him her number and he called her. On their first date, they went running and hiking. He was three hours late to work because he didn’t want to leave their first date. She had a difficult relationship and had been in an abusive relationship prior. It was shocking how wonderful he was. She wanted to focus on the good that could be in her future instead of focusing on what had happened in her past. She made a conscious choice to invest in the relationship and move forward. 
You want to actively show your partner your deep vulnerabilities because most partners actually want to jump in and reassure you and provide empathy.” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
Challenges they faced over the years:
They have been trying to have another baby for 3 years and this has caused a lot of pain. It has been one of the biggest hurdles they have faced. Especially because she wants to have a baby with her husband, the right person. Not having your partner around can actually cause anxiety and depression symptoms because we rely on them for support; they are our home base for comfort and support." -- Elizabeth Polinsky
April's tips for navigating challenges:
How to navigate a relationship when there are different love languages:
(learn more about love languages here)
Book Recommendations:
Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun. There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”.
 Photo by SYLO Productions.
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
New to being a military spouse?
In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews Ashlee, a previous military spouse, on things she wished she had known before marrying into the military. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS:
Introduction to Ashlee:
Ashlee is 23 at the time of this recording and is a former military spouse. In this interview, she discusses what she and her ex-husband could have done differently while he was going through a vigorous program in the Navy. Ashlee felt that having a support system is really important--even it is virtual people from your home town. For Ashlee, she experienced depression and anxiety especially with changes related to moving and military life. In making new friends after a move, she found that not everyone was supportive. She discusses the importance of being thoughtful about who you talk to and confide in. Having a support system outside of your partner and outside of military spouses can be helpful. To do this, think about what hobbies you can do in the places where you move. That can help you with adjusting to new places, and provide an avenue for social support outside of your spouse and the military. 
Top struggles she faced:
Moving away from home was a culture shock. She was pregnant at the time and didn’t know the new area she had moved to. She had to go through her first pregnancy alone without her spouse once she moved to the new place. She relied on relationships as a way to cope, but she didn’t know who would be good people to confide in. She had depression during pregnancy and after pregnancy. There were so many firsts happening at one time for her that she didn’t know how to do them, or know anyone in the area to help her navigate the new situation. The most challenging period in time for couples is right after the birth of a first child.” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
It was also challenging meeting people and having them move away, so starting a new social support system was difficult. There can still be drama in military spouse friendships. You want to be aware that what you say may be transferred over to your spouse's coworker when a friend talks about your discussions to their spouses. On top of that, some people are mandated reporters and are required to tell higher ups about certain things going on in your relationship if they know about it.
You have to give people time to earn your trust...test them out first and let the trust build over time” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
She joined a mothers group and that ended up being a great source of support for her. In addition she found that going to a spouse 101 class was helpful. It was also important to know who the ombudsman was.
You can have friends that you do social stuff with...you don’t have to confide in them.” -- Paraphrased from Ashlee
Things that would have helped:
Elizabeth Polinsky's tips if you are having difficulty in a marriage:
If you are in a relationship, you will step on each others toes--it’s unavoidable” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
Words of Wisdom from Ashlee:
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!! Liz's Useful Links: Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for Listening!  Photo by SYLO Productions.
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential. |
The Communicate & Connect Podcast
In Communicate & Connect For Military Relationships, I provide educational tips for relationships, communication, and navigating military family life. AuthorHey, I'm Elizabeth Polinsky and I am a marriage counselor in the Hampton Roads area. Categories
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