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Podcast Episode 35: The Importance of Identity in Marriage with LaQuita Monley

2/1/2023

0 Comments

 
​Having a personal identity is important for your relationship but can also help you stay more grounded in the face of life stressors. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews LaQuita Monely on how to have a personal identity in a marriage.

​IN THIS PODCAST

  • What is identity and why is it important?
  • Challenges of identity as a military spouse.
  • How having your own identity is related to marriage success.
  • Tips for military couples and spouses to develop a sense of identity 
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​Introduction to LaQuita Monley

LaQuita Monley is a proud retired army wife, mother of five children, and grandmother of six. She is also a minister and a certified speaker/coach/facilitator with the John Maxwell Team. 
In terms of identity, understanding the roles I play and how they are connected to who I am is very important" -- LaQuita Monley

​What is identity and why is it important?

LaQuita defines identity as being who or what a person is.  Many people assume their identity is based on the roles they play (mom, coworker, etc.). However, she believes that identity comes from the core of who you are and what your core values are. Often figuring out your core values and using the DISC assessment can help you determine your core identity. Even though your roles may change, who you are at your core remains the same. Figuring out your identity is figuring out who you are at the core. Even as you grow, get older, and mature, there will still be a core identity of who you are. LaQuita leads her clients through this journey using the Maxwell Method and DISC assessments. 

The Maxwell Method is a leadership model that uses the DISC Personality Assessment. D stands for "dominant" because they can respond in a crisis and de-escalate the situation. I stands for "inspiring" and are very influential, enthusiastic, and persuasive. S stands for "steady" and this trait tends to be stable, team players, and to love systems. The C personality trait stands for "compliant" and is a nice combo of S and D traits--they want everything correct. People score with different strengths of each personality trait, according to LaQuita the results can help explain communication styles, who you might naturally click with, and gives you ways to communicate with different types of personalities. 
Identity is who I am across time that remains consistent, even though I change roles" -- Elizabeth Polinsky
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​Challenges of identity as a military spouse.

Military life is so transitional. If someone doesn't have a strong sense of who they are at their core, they can become consumed with over identifying as their role of parent or spouse, etc., and even in the role of military spouse. The role of military spouse is challenging because it is a role and fake identity of having no control. 

Resiliency is so important. Unfortunately it can't be taught. It has to be experienced and there is no way to really prepare for it. As you go, military spouses tend to learn how to respond and how to bounce back.  When you are solid in your identity though, it is easier to be resilient. It helps you know how to process and to respond to the situation at hand. Because of regardless of what happens with military life, you remain the same at the core and you do not change. 

If you know who you are at the core, you can be in a more grounded place so you won't be thrown around as much by the chaos of military life. Your identity is your grounder. 

How having your own identity is related to marriage success.

Knowing your identity is important for the marriage and family unit. If you can stay grounded based on who you are, you can be more present for your spouse and kids. It can even help you rely on others in a more effective way. In LaQuita's experiences of military spouse groups, those with strong identities had strong boundaries and were more stable and steady--the people you could rely on. 

Tips for military couples and spouses to develop a sense of identity ​

  1. Start the journey working with a coach or clinician/therapist. 
  2. Consider taking an assessment such as the DISC or SCOPE assessments. You will need to work with someone who can interpret the test results with you. 

​Working with LaQuita Monley:

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  • Check out LaQuita's website at: www.laquitamonley.com
  • Check out her youtube channel at: https://www.youtube.com/@LMonleyToolbox
  • Check out her new book: Redefining Success: 8 Tools I Used to Develop a Growth Mindset (note: this is an affiliate link)
  • Or you can check her out on social media: LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook. 

Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!

Liz's Useful Links: ​
  • YouTube
  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • Linked In
  • Work with Liz
  • Listen to other Episodes
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”.

Thanks for listening!
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Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz has offices in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and Fallon, Nevada, and also provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

​
​DISCLAIMER: 
My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

Join the Newsletter

Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

    We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
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    Podcast Episode 34: Dealing with Overwhelming Emotions with Jackie Schuld

    1/2/2023

    0 Comments

     
    Everyone has overwhelming emotions from time to time that impact their relationships. Learning to deal with overwhelming emotions can be helpful in terms of being able to get your needs met, but also in being able to have better communication with your partner. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews Jackie Schuld on dealing with overwhelming emotions in a marriage.

    IN THIS PODCAST

    • Dealing with emotions in a marriage
    • Why effectively dealing with emotions is especially important for military couples
    • How Jackie Schuld teaches her clients to deal with overwhelming emotions
    • Steps to identifying your needs beneath emotions:​
    • Tips for military couples dealing with overwhelming emotions
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    ​Introduction to Jackie Schuld

    Jackie Schuld grew up as an Air Force brat and now works as an art therapist and mental health counselor. Her specialty is working with clients who have overwhelming thoughts and feelings. 
    Individual mental health and the ability to deal with emotions is relevant to how people can navigate any of their discussions [as a couple].....it's directly tied to how someone can deal with their emotions." -- Elizabeth Polinsky  

    How emotions are related to marriage:

    Emotions impact all of our relationships. A lot of times our emotions don't have much to do with the other person. Someone may feel angry because they feel their spouse isn't understanding them, but this may actually have more to do with their personal past of feeling misunderstood throughout their life. 

    We all have stories from our past life experiences. Then partners can do something that unintentionally trigger a story that you believe that has actually been more a theme throughout your life. 

    ​Why effectively dealing with emotions is especially important for military couples:

    There is so much lack of control in military life, and this is a very unique struggle and emotional experience that military couples face that civilian couples don't face to the same extent. Many difficult feelings come up with that lack of control such as sadness, anger, anxiety, etc. Plus the frequency of overwhelming emotions is higher for military couples because they are constantly rotating through difficult emotions with the deployment cycle. 
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    ​How Jackie Schuld teaches her clients to deal with overwhelming emotions

    Jackie's approach to emotions is that needs are beneath emotions. For example, a need for understanding, connection, safety, etc. This idea is based on Marshall Rosenberg's non-violent communication. 

    When we have a feeling, underneath it is a need in our life. It is usually something you value. If you are feeling happy it is because your need for connection or adventure is being met. If you feel angry, it might be because your need for justice or understanding is not being met. One goal in communicating is to be able to slow down to talk about underlying needs. 

    Nonviolent communication is a theory of communication by Marshal Rosenberg If you want to learn more, you can check out his book called Nonviolent Communication. Check it our for some more techniques used in nonviolent communication.     

    It is important to recognize though that people are complex human beings and may have multiple emotion and multiple needs at the same time. 
    ​

    Steps to identifying your needs beneath emotions:

    1. Give yourself permission to feel your emotions. You can't understand your own needs if you don't allow yourself feel your feelings. You can do this through talking with someone, journaling, or expressing them through art in some way. 
    2. Start with the emotion that you feel the strongest--that is most charged. What was the incident that caused this feeling to come up?
    3. Ask yourself, what is the need that wasn't being met in this situation? 
    4. Once you have identified the need, the goal is to return to your partner and express those needs through a specific request without judgement. You may have to brainstorm together on how to get the need met--especially if you and your partner have conflicting needs. 

    ​Example of needs include: shelter, protection, understanding, being heard, solitude, rest. You can find a longer list of needs here. 

    Tips & Take-Aways from Jackie Schuld

    Picture
    1. Sometimes you will have unmet needs that your partner cannot meet. Sometimes it takes brainstorming other ways to get those needs met. 
    2. If you try this, don't start with judgement. You want to be as neutral as possible because you want them to be in a place where they can listen to you and not be in a defensive place. If you start with criticism, they will end up being defensive. 
    3. To avoid judgement, try to just state facts and not opinions. Avoid extreme statements like "always" or "never". 

    Working with Jackie Schuld:

    If your want to work with Jackie or if you just want to check out her free resources on nonviolent communication, check out her website at www.jackieschuld.com . 

    Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!

    Liz's Useful Links: ​
    • YouTube
    • Instagram
    • Facebook
    • Linked In
    • Work with Liz
    • Listen to other Episodes
    Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge  is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun.  There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships  and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”.

    Thanks for Listening!
    Picture
    Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz has offices in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and Fallon, Nevada, and also provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

    ​
    ​DISCLAIMER: 
    My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
    podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

    Join the Newsletter

    Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

      We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
      Built with ConvertKit
      0 Comments

      Podcast Episode 33: Sharing Personal Experiences with Lisa Liguori

      12/1/2022

      0 Comments

       
      Very few people actually want advice when they are coming to you with a problem! In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews Lisa Ligouri on the benefits of sharing personal experiences versus problem solving or advice giving in personal relationships. 

      IN THIS PODCAST

      • The difference between experience sharing and advice giving
      • How experience sharing can lead to deeper connection and relationships
      • Steps in successful experience sharing
      • Ways military couples can use experience sharing
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      Introduction to Lisa Liguori

      Lisa Ligouri is passionate about facilitating communication and connection with (and for) those around her. Though she has been helping companies flourish as a venture capital investor for over 20 years, her deepest passion is leading peer groups. In these groups, individuals share their life experiences with one another to combat isolation and accelerate their personal growth.

      She is also the host of Advice Column Podcast (a podcast that also uses experience-sharing to empower people). Lisa is empowering people to build authentic connection with others and to gain wisdom through sharing.

      She has worked to promote experience-sharing in a variety of settings. She has practiced this in business settings, with her family, and in peer-groups where they used the experience sharing format. She has also used the same format in her marriage to improve her relationship with her husband. In each of these settings, when she started to practice reflective listening and experiencing sharing, the emotional safety in the relationship increased. 

      Why it's better to share experiences than give advice:

      Often times people get annoyed when you give them suggestions and start problem solving their situation. This is because most people are seeking understanding, validation, and to know they aren't alone in their experience.

      When you give advice, it often creates distance with people because it creates inequality by suggesting you know better than they do--and it also create inequality in emotional vulnerability. In contrast, experience sharing puts you both as equals and as vulnerable together--something that leads to more emotional connection. 
      Shared vulnerability builds trust." - Lisa Ligouri

      How to practice sharing personal experiences: 

      To practice Experience Sharing:
      1. Listen to the feeling someone is sharing. 
      2. Reflect back that you understand what they are feeling, even if you would feel differently in the situation they are describing. For example: "It sounds like you feel X", or ,  "It sounds like you feel frustrated".
      3. Then ask permission to share a similar experience you have had. 
      4. Share something from your own life that might be of relevance that someone can use. It should be stated as an "I statement" and it should be about something from your past. 
      5. Lastly, trust them to be able to make their own decisions about the situation. 

      The types of communication that facilitate meaningful connection:

      Vulnerability is really important for feeling connected in relationships. It builds trust.  Even though you may want to hold your vulnerable feelings inside, when you share vulnerably you often have a higher quality conversation, feel more connected, and take steps to make the relationship stronger. 

      It's common for couples--especially when their is distance from work trips or deployments--to have insecurities. For example, many people worry that their spouse wont love them anymore or will no longer be physically attracted to them once they return home. These types of insecurities can be hard to share with your partner; and when you can share them in an "I statement" format and in a vulnerable way, it has the potential to lead to deeper conversation and feeling of connection for  your both. 

       How Lisa learned to share her experiences: 

      For Lisa, she read the book called Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson and went to couples counseling to help her develop a pattern of experience sharing versus advice giving in her marriage. 

      Lisa also found journalling to be helpful. Journalling allowed her process and self-reflect on her emotions in order to be able to share them with someone else. 

      In the interview, Lisa discussed how each time you are vulnerable it is easier to be more vulnerable in the future. The repetition helps a lot. 
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      When sharing doesn't feel safe: 

      Evaluating the safety of the relationship is important when it comes to sharing experiences. You might start with dipping your toes into the vulnerability and see if it is safe to continue being vulnerable.

      A way to see if someone is safe to be vulnerable with is to try sharing something that is just a little vulnerable, and then see if they match your vulnerability by sharing in return.  Do they meet you in the vulnerable space? Are they on the same path and willing to try to engage in the same way?

      Big feelings of connection come when someone is willing to engage and meet you in the vulnerable places. The level of depth of sharing from your heart--when someone joins you there is very powerful. At the same time not everyone is willing or open or able to do that. So it is often wise to tread carefully and not bear your soul to everyone. 
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      Tips for military couples:

      Active duty service members are gone a lot. There is a difficulty in being separated from your spouse, but also being separated from family and friends when you move every few years. Sharing personal experiences can be a tool for developing meaningful friendships for military couples who are moving to a new place, feeling isolated, as well as improve thing connection in the relationship. 

      One of the things they use in the experience sharing peer groups is a tool called the 5%. They bring the 5% best and worst parts of life that they don't share with the general public. This helps take the conversation to a depth that is significant--versus just staying on the surface with easy stuff. Trust and confidentiality is a significant part of these groups.

      So when making friends, drop down into some vulnerability to take the conversation to a deeper level. You can test the waters to see if someone will match your vulnerability. You want to goo slowly to test if the trust and confidentiality is developing between you in the new relationship. 
      As with any skill, learning a skill in communication takes time" --Lisa Ligouri

      ​Learn more about working with Lisa:

      Lisa's number one tip is to ask your spouse if they are up for trying this, even once a week. You can also download her free worksheet on 5 Pitfalls to Avoid when Giving Advice here.

      ​
      If you are interested in learning more about Lisa or working with her, you can find her the following ways:
      • Through the  Advice Column Podcast.
      • Through Lisa's website

      Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!

      Liz's Useful Links: 
      • Download the Getting Ready for Marriage Checklist here. 
      • YouTube
      • Instagram
      • Facebook
      • Linked In
      • Work with Liz
      • Listen to other Episodes
      Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”.

      Thanks for listening!
      Picture
      Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz has offices in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and Fallon, Nevada, and also provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

      ​
      ​DISCLAIMER: 
      My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
      podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

      Join the Newsletter

      Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

        We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
        Built with ConvertKit
        0 Comments

        Podcast Episode 32: Benefits of Premarital Counseling with Reverend Calli

        10/28/2022

        0 Comments

         
        Is premarital counseling even helpful? This is what we cover in the twelfth and final episode of the  Getting Ready for Marriage series. ​In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews Erica Callicutt, or Reverend Calli, on the benefits of premarital counseling. 

        IN THIS PODCAST

        • Benefits of premarital couples counseling
        • The process of premarital counseling 
        • What to expect from working with a pastor versus a counselor for premarital counseling
        • How to find a premarital counselor ​
        Picture

        Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage?

        I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!

        Introduction to Reverend Calli

        Reverend Calli is a licensed and ordained minister who has previously worked as a hospital chaplain. So as a chaplain she served in a level one trauma center as well as worked with veterans through the V A. hospital.  She is also a wedding officiant which has allowed her to journey with couples on their way to marriage and even before marriage, to strengthen their relational skills and communication skills. At the time of the recording, she was also in a graduate program for social work with hopes of becoming a licensed clinical social worker. 
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        Liz's personal experience with premarital counseling

        My husband and I used military one source for our permarital counseling. Military OneSource a free resource that is provided to Military families where they can get 12 sessions of free counseling a year. And so we did that for premarital counseling and we had a really horrible experience, which is so unfortunate. I think especially for military couples, Military OneSource is pushed as your resource for counseling and premarital counseling. We were pretty appalled though. The person really didn't work with couples; they worked with foster kids. They never even asked us if we had any concerns about our relationship. Then the moment I brought it up the concerns I had about getting married,  the counselor said, "oh, I can't help you" then fired us as a couple. I was not happy with the quality of services I got with Military OneSource, but I also  know I have a strong bias against it because we had a negative experience. I'm sure other people have more positive experiences.But part of what I wanted people to know for this episode, are that there are better options out there. So I'm glad we're going to talk about premarital counseling. 
        Have a sense of expectation... if you don't know what you are  looking for, then you may be easily disappointed" -- Rev. Calli. 

        Questions to discuss with your partner beforehand

        • What do we want out of premarital counseling? 
        • ​What do we want form our therapist?
        • What goals to we have? 
        People should have expectations of who they are working with and they should have high standards. And it's ok if you don't click with the person..find someone else" -- Elizabeth Polinsky

        Benefits to premarital counseling

        If you allow yourself to be open to the process, there can be a lot of benefits. 
        1. It's a great preventative measure. You can decrease the risk of divorce by developing more relationship skills and tools when they run into issues and concerns in their relationship. 
        2. Assessing the state of the relationship such as relationship strengths and weaknesses. 
        3. You can maximize the strengths you already have. Empower you based on the things you do well together. 
        4. Learn skills to develop stronger communication skills. 
        5. Develop great listening skills so you can communicate better. 
        6. Helping couples getting unstuck in their communication. 
        7. Cultivating empathy, understanding, and a safe place.
        8. Building a deeper connection with your partner. When there is more emotional intimacy that is when physical intimacy is truly organic. 
        We have to start with listening. With listening come empathy." -- Reverend Calli

        Process of premarital counseling

        1. Relationship assessment
        2. Developing goals
        3. Therapist helps create a safe place
        4. Building on strengths
        5. Addressing challenges
        6. Learning tools
        7. Practicing skills and tools in a safe environment 
        8. End counseling
        Picture

        Signs of a good therapist or premarital counselor

        • They do an assessment of your relationship. 
        • They ask you your goals. 
        • They help create a safe environment to work on things.
        • They stay neutral and don't take sides. 
        • They are using a specific method that is suppose to help you, and can explain why they are doing what they are doing. 
        • Note: Make sure they have training and experience to assist you with your specific concerns. 

        Differences between working with a pastor vs. a therapist

        • Pastors may add in more of a spiritual perspective. 
        • Pastors may start and end sessions with prayer. 
        • Pastors help also create a spiritual foundation.
        • Pastors may reference scriptures as you work on tools.  
        • Pastors may include their spouse to co-counsel with them. 
        • Pastors make connect you with another couple to act as a marriage mentor. 
        • There are licensed therapists who do christian based counseling and pastoral counseling in conjunction to mental health/ clinical services.

        Places to look for a premarital counseling

        • Do a Google search for marriage counselors or premarital counselors
        • Ask a trusted friend who they would recommend
        • Ask your pastor for pastoral counseling
        • A licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT)
        • Military OneSource
        • Psychology Today
        • Therapy Den

        Working with Reverend Calli

        You can work with Reverend Calli for premarital counseling or wedding services.
        • Her website is ​https://www.purposeconnectionva.com/.
        • Connect on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tietheknotwithrevcalli/. 
        • Connect on Facebook: ​https://www.facebook.com/tietheknotwithrevcalli

        Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!

        Liz's Useful Links: 
        • Download the Getting Ready for Marriage Checklist here. 
        • YouTube
        • Instagram
        • Facebook
        • Linked In
        • Work with Liz
        • Listen to other Episodes
        Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge  is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun.  There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships  and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”.

        Thanks for Listening!
        Picture
        Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. At the time of this recording, Liz travels between offices in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and Fallon, Nevada.  She provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

        ​DISCLAIMER: 
        My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
        podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

        Join the Newsletter

        Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

          We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
          Built with ConvertKit
          0 Comments

          Podcast Episode 31: Developing Healthy Relationship Habits

          10/2/2022

          0 Comments

           
          Are you building the habits you want to build in your relationship? This is the eleventh episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. ​In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses ways to develop healthy relationship habits.

          IN THIS PODACST

          • The difference between a habit and a routine
          • How to build a habit
          • Healthy relationship habits worth building 
          • Ways you can build up healthy relationship habits 
          Picture

          ​Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage?

          I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!

          A healthy habit I didn't realize I had until...

          Welcome back to the communicate and connect podcast! We have been doing a series on getting ready for marriage and this is gonna be one of the last episodes in this series. We have one more for the series after this, which is gonna be an interview that I do with Reverend Cali on premarital counseling. But this is the last content one on this topic. Way to stick in there! If you've listened to all of them, I would love to know it! Find me on social media or tag me and tell me if you've listened to all of these episodes on getting ready for marriage.

          If you have thoughts or questions about things that you want to see covered in this podcast please go to www.communicateandconnectpodcast.com. There is a form on the website for you to submit questions or ideas or things that you want covered.

          So for the last one, we're really talking about habits; and this is because everything that we've covered so far in this series is about skills. And skills are things that can be learned. You usually have to use skills intentionally but eventually you want them to become habit.  I was thinking about habits recently when I was remembering a weekend trip that my husband and I went on with some friends a few months ago. On this trip, somebody was telling me a traumatic story from their life and was sharing it with everybody.

          I just sat there. I was so angry about what they had gone through that I didn't even know what to do with the anger. And I just said, "I feel so angry" and I just sat there and I said it a few times. I said, "I am so angry right now, I'm just so angry".

          Somebody who was in the group with us, our friend, he was really impressed by my ability to just state my feelings and sit there and and say what I was feeling without somehow reacting in some bigger way. I'll say for me, I didn't even realize that I was doing this because it's so ingrained in me. This is probably because I am a marriage counselor and I've been practicing therapy for a long time. This is part of the skill set that they trained therapists in, but I didn't even realize I was doing it because it was so ingrained. That is really what we want to happen when we're thinking about skills for a relationship. You have to implement a skill, and implement the skill on a regular basis over and over and over again--to where that becomes part of he culture of the marriage and the culture of the relationship.
          We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit" -– Will Durant, american writer

          The difference between a habit and a routine

          You want a skill to become ingrained to where it's so ingrained you're not even thinking about it.  This reminds me of a quote that I saw by Will Durant, an american writer, who said, "we are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit". I think that applies to marriages as well.

          Our marriages are what we repeatedly do to make our marriages that way. So forming habits is about doing the skills so many times that it becomes muscle memory.

          It's different than a routine. A routine is something that sometimes still has to have some intentionality. So for example for me working out; I have to be really intentional about working out. I go through phases where I will be really great about working out and I'll have a health kick. My health kick lasts maybe six months, maybe a year, and then it stops and I just am no longer on the health kick. That is a way that I know it's not really a habit. It was part of a routine that I had to intentionally engage in.

          But a habit is something that's more on autopilot. Sort of like when you drive and you are so used to driving one way that you go in that direction and you don't even think about it even though you needed to go in the opposite direction. That is a habit that is on autopilot, and that's where we want these relationship skills to be, 

          How to build a habit

          So how do you form a habit?
          1. Step one is, you gotta pick a skill that you want to develop into a habit.
          2. Then you want to do it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. You want to do it every chance you get.

          Some habits don't take that long to form. They maybe take a month. And other habits take several months to form. Some things are easier to build into habits than others, and then other things are more challenging and take longer. 
          Picture

          Healthy relationship habits worth building

          What are some habits that you could work on to improve your marriage? Here are some that I came up with off the top of my head.  You can go back through any of the episodes in this series that we've covered.  Pick one of those skills you want to be the habit you're gonna try to develop.

          Some examples for you for this episode:

          "I feel" is a really lovely habit to develop for your communication in a marriage but also for your own ability to regulate your own emotions. There's a lot of research that shows that just identifying my own emotions helps helps regulate it. By that I mean, it helps your feelings not be so overwhelming. Identifying your feelings is a way of coping with my feelings. So both on an individual level, just for yourself, but also in your relationship, if you can start identifying your emotions and just making statements of, "I feel XYZ emotion", "I feel angry", "I feel sad", "I feel disappointed", "I feel anxious", "I feel afraid", "I feel jealous", "I feel hungry", "I feel tired"....... all of these feelings that you can have. Just getting into the habit of identifying how you feel, naming how you feel, and sharing how you feel and stating it in the phrase: "I feel this". That's a lovely habit to form for yourself, but also for your relationship.

          On the relationship side, that makes it more about you less about your partner. Then it doesn't come off critical or attacking. For example, if my partner decided they wanted to go do something with a friend and so they were no longer gonna come do whatever they said they were going to do with me. Or if I thought we were going to do something and then I find out they were he was going to do something with a friend,  I might say: "I feel disappointed". That is a fact about how I feel. That's perfectly fine for me to say, and it makes it about me instead of saying "oh you you shouldn't go do this thing with your friend, you clearly don't care, you never think about me." Those would be statements that would put a partner on defense, that they would start feeling attacked and it and it kind of shuts the communication down. Versus saying "oh I feel a little disappointed, I wanted to go do this with you", that changes the whole dynamic of the conversation.

          Another habit is turning your attention to your partner when they talk. This one is hard to break. Our society is so into multitasking and the research says that none of us are any good at it, but we all try. I try also; I love to attempt to multitask and then I totally miss whatever my partner said to me. So trying when we're talking together, turning my attention to my partner and not multitasking--setting my phone down, pausing the tv, not reading the mail--and instead turning my body towards my partner, looking at my partner as they're talking, and focusing my attention on them when they talk. This is a habit that can be cultivated just like the other habits.

          Another habit could be habits that you do together in your relationship. For example, maybe going on a walk in the morning or going on a walk after dinner together. This is really helpful if you have dogs that have to be walked! It could be considered a routine, but you could do it so often that it becomes a habit as a way of reconnecting together. Even if it's 10 minutes a day we have this moment where we're gonna be together and where we can talk and share and reorient ourselves to our life together. 

          You could also do something similar like cuddling right before bed. This is something that my husband and I have referred to as "couple cuddle talk time". That's just our fun phrase for for where we have this time that we're going to just be together and and reconnect before bed, versus being on our phones or going to bed at different times. Or one of us falling asleep on the couch or something like that! It helps us to feel more together in the relationship. Ultimately there are lots of different habits that you could do but these are just a few to get you started on thinking about some options.

          Ways you can build up healthy relationship habits 

          I mentioned this in the last episode and I'm recording these on the same day, so maybe that's why I'm thinking about it still, but how do you develop something into a habit? And how do you learn the skills for your marriage to succeed? And I know in the last episode I went through options like workshops, doing intensives, listening to podcasts and books. You could do a marriage meeting if you just wanted to do it yourselves, and you could do the monthly marriage meetings. (See the episode on marriage meetings).

          So much of these do require a lot of repetition. It takes so much repetition to get these skills into my body, into my muscle memory, so that way they really are a habit and don't require so much thought anymore. This is really what Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy does. This is the type of therapy that I do. I am a Certified Emotionally Focused Couple Therapist. And there are other other therapists who do Emotionally Focused Therapy and they are come in all various stages of training--whether they're just starting to learn how to do EFT Or if they're certified like I am. But really what we do in EFT Couple therapy is we are helping couples develop the skills into habits that way they have long term success. This is because it really is not enough to just learn a skill if then I go home and I don't do it; or if I learned how to do it and we started to do the skill together but then three months from now, or six months from now, we're no longer using the skills. What needs to happen is that we're doing it so often that it just becomes a second nature, and that really is one of the goals for Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. Specifically the skills that we try to help couples develop into habits in EFT include noticing and identifying feelings, sharing fears with each other (especially the fears and insecurities that we have), and developing active listening and empathy. Those are the skills that we work on developing into muscle memory.

          There are other types of couples therapy but I always recommend working with somebody who's trained in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy or who is licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist and has specific training in marriage and family therapy. You really really don't want somebody who's just dabbling. You want somebody who this is what they do. Anyway I'll get off my soapbox now. These are skills that we often help couples develop in EFT Couples counseling; and these are a lot of the skills that I would suggest working on developing into habits as part of getting ready for marriage or setting up your marriage at the beginning stages in order to set it up for success long term.
          Picture

          Action Item

          So your action item for this episode is to pick one habit that you want to form in your relationship and make a plan to practice it. You can go back and listen to the other episodes in this series on getting ready for marriage if you need ideas on which habits to start working on. Or you can just pick one that got covered in this episode if you want. Or if there's something else that you've been thinking about, you could pick that. Just pick one that you think is going to be the most helpful and start making a plan on how to practice it and form it into a habit. If you pick one, I would love to hear about it! You can find me on social media, you can tag me, you can send me a message through the website,--tell me what you picked, what you're practicing, and how you're going to practice it. I'd love to hear about it. So pick one, make a plan, and then tell me about it.

          ​Alright, have a great day. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If so please take a second to go rate review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. You can also sign up for my free 10-week relationship email course. This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away.

          Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!

          Liz's Useful Links: 
          • Download the Getting Ready for Marriage Checklist here. 
          • YouTube
          • Instagram
          • Facebook
          • Linked In
          • Work with Liz
          • Listen to other Episodes
          Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”.

          Thanks for listening!
          Picture
          Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz has offices in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and Fallon, Nevada, and also provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

          ​DISCLAIMER: 
          My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
          podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

          Join the Newsletter

          Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

            We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
            Built with ConvertKit
            0 Comments

            Podcast Episode 30: Relationship Communication Skills

            9/6/2022

            0 Comments

             
            Are you a team even when you are fighting? This is the tenth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. ​In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses relationship communication skills.

            IN THIS PODCAST

            • Active listening skills for improving your relationship 
            • Finding empathy and expressing it
            • Negotiation skills in relationships 
            • Tips for conflict resolution in relationships 
            • Ways to learn relationship communication skills
            Picture

            ​Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage?

            I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!

            When you don't use relationship communication skills...

            As I was prepping for this episode, I was thinking about how there are these times with my husband where I can really zone out and get lost in my own thoughts. I'm sure plenty of you can relate; this is such a human thing to do! Most people will zone out and get lost in their thoughts at some point. But there are also times where this happens where my husband is directly talking to me and I'll even respond to him and say "yea", but then I actually don't have a clue what he just told me. I don't remember what he said. In those moments, and this happened kind of recently, I have taken the route of just trying to be very honest that I zoned out. Then I  ask him if he can repeat what he just said. It's not always fun. I don't feel super awesome about myself in those moments. That's not really a fun thing to admit and tell your partner, but I'm really glad that I do because it allows us to come back to that conversation and repair. There are times where my husband does this also. There are times where I have to ask him to refocus his attention or ask him if he did hear what I said.  Again this is pretty normal for people to do at times and those are time points where it's possible for a fight to start. I think that is a moment in pretty much every couple of relationship where a fight could start because one partner could say, "why aren't you paying attention to me? Put put your phone down. I can't believe you weren't paying attention. Why did you say yes to my question when you didn't even hear me?!"  See? That is a moment where there could be a fight. So what is it that you do? What communication skills should you use in moments where you could have a fight? That is what we're going to talk about today.
            ​
            So in getting ready for marriage, or if you're newly married, one of the main things that will be helpful getting started out is to learn communication skills. These are skills that you can learn that you can practice over and over and over again. It may feel awkward, especially at the beginning while you're learning them, but then as you do it, it becomes more natural. The skills that I think are pretty important for learning at the very beginning would be active listening skills, empathy, negotiating, and conflict resolution. So let's talk about each of those four for real fast. 
            Picture
            So often I see issues with communication and couples happen because they didn't get clarity about what was meant in the message to begin with." -- Elizabeth Polinsky

            Active listening skills for your relationship.

            1. Active listening skills involve not multitasking. You know most of the time when zone out on my husband and then  have to go back and tell him I didn't get anything he just said--I'm usually multitasking during those times.  And the times where my husband seems out of it and I ask him if he caught anything I just said--those are usually times where I'm asking him to multitask. Time where his attention is focused elsewhere and then I'm coming and interrupting him. That's usually what happens! But the idea is that multitasking means that we're gonna miss things. None of us are super great at multitasking. And so learning to pause when your partner is talking, redirect your attention ,and not multitask while you guys are interacting is all part of active listening.
            2. Another part of active listening would be to repeat back what you heard your partner say to make sure  you understood it correctly. There are times where I'll have couples practice this in my office in couples counseling. I do this because we all feel like we're speaking very clearly but the message is often not getting across to my partner. And my partner is getting a totally different message! So repeating back what you heard gives your partner a chance to correct any misinformation that came up. If you didn't quite get the message, they can clarify it for you and then you guys make sure you're on the same page. Then we can go from there and continue on in the conversation. So often I see issues with communication and couples happen because they didn't get clarity about what was meant in the message to begin with. So repeating back what you heard your partner say and getting clarity is going to be helpful. That's one skill of active listening.
            3. Another skill that you can learn is mindfulness which is really about keeping my attention in place. It's about keeping your attention where you want your attention to be in that moment. This also has to do with not multitasking! So if I can learn to pause and redirect my attention so your attention is fully on my partner in that moment, then you will more likely be able to take in what they're saying and hear the message that they're trying to say. You are also less likely to misinterpret what they're saying. So active listening skills, all of that goes into active listening. 
            I might disagree with a rationale behind something, but I cannot disagree with a feeling because the feeling is the fact." -- Elizabeth Polinsky

            Finding empathy and expressing it in relationships. 

            Another set of skills that I think is really important to learn at the beginning of a marriage is finding your empathy! We all need to know that our partners care about how we feel and care about what we're going through and our life experiences. Some people are naturally stronger at this than others. 

            1. One way to develop empathy is to get really curious about your partner's experience. Ask them questions. Ask them what they feel, what they think, what is making them think or feel the way that they think or feel. How are they making sense of what they're going through in life?
            2. You can also start building up empathy by becoming more aware of your own thoughts and feelings. The more empathy I can develop for myself then it's often easier to also develop empathy for other people. Part of developing empathy is also letting go of judgment and judgmentalness. So one of my favorite sayings is that "feelings are a fact". Oftentimes I'll hear couples say, "well I disagree?". And I'll ask them like what is it that they disagree about because there is no way to disagree with how my partner is feeling. Their emotional experience is a fact. I might disagree with a rationale behind something, but I cannot disagree with a feeling because the feeling is the fact. So developing that curiosity about their emotional experience helps me understand how you feel this way. It can also help me understand what it is that you're feeling. When I understand that, it can help build up empathy.
            3. You can also think about trying to imagine what it would be like for you. It's sort of like being in your partner's shoes. Imagining what it would be like to feel what your partner is feeling can also help build up a sense of empathy. 
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            When people get stuck in negotiation, it's because there is a deeper conversation going on." -- Elizabeth Polinsky

            Negotiations skills in relationships.

            The third set of skills is around negotiating. We've covered this a little bit in this podcast already; you can go back to episode 26 which is on decision making and relationships. That is a big component of negotiating.

            1. Generally you want to try to find a middle ground. Some people do this by thinking about how important the thing is to them versus their partner. That is one way to sort of find a middle ground. For example, if it's really important to you and it's not important to me, then let's go with what you want. Then if something else is really important to me, but you don't really care, then we'll go with what I want. That's one way that people negotiate.
            2. Another way is by taking turns on things. So there are lots of ways to navigate that negotiation, but that is a whole set of skills that you could learn. 
            3. When people get stuck in negotiation, it's because there is a deeper conversation going on. So let's say something matters a lot to both of us and it's really hard to find a middle ground. What do you do in those moments? There's usually a deeper emotional meaning around what I want versus what you want. Maybe  you think that your partner doesn't care about what you want so then it's this extra emotional stacking point. I can't really negotiate for where we go on vacation if I feel like you don't care. If somebody is feeling like their partner doesn't care, of course they're going to hold on to want they want for vacation as proof that the partner cares. Then there is something else that needs to be worked on before you guys can really negotiate where to go on vacation. "Do you care?" is often a common one that comes up in those points where it's really hard to negotiate. Another one that comes up is, "are we equal?" If one partner feels like they do all the chores and then their partner asks them to do another chore, they might say no because the overall relationship doesn't feel equal. They're stuck in negotiation because there's this deeper conversation going on about "are we equal? Is there fairness and justice in the relationship?" That has to get addressed first before you can really negotiate about the task. So clearing out kind of the deeper emotional struggles helps make negotiating easier. If that's where you find yourself struggling, then a couples counselor is going to be what will be helpful for working on the deeper emotional struggles.

            Conflict resolution in relationships.

            The last skill is conflict resolution. John and Julie Gottman, they're both doctors and I think they're psychologists if I'm remembering correctly, they are over at the Gottman Institute. They do a ton of research on couples. One of the things that they found in their research was that the repair is always the most important part. You can't really avoid conflict; you can resolve conflict by using active listening skills, empathizing with each other, and negotiating. All these skills help to resolve conflict, but you can't avoid conflict. When you do sweep it under the rug, it tends to keep coming back up. So you can use all the skills that we've talked about so far in this episode towards conflict resolution, but it's that repair that is important. It's the making sure you and I are okay; that there is a resolution where we're on the same team and on the same page again. That is the most important part for the sustainability of couple relationships.
            Picture

            Ways to learn relationship communication skills. 

            So if you are engaged, about to get married, or you're newly married--and you want to figure out how to learn a lot of these relationship communication skills--here are ways that you can do that.

            1. Couples Counseling. So obviously I'm a couples counselor. I think couples counseling is the best thing ever. It's my jam. So you could do couples counseling, and you can learn these skills with a couples counselor. But there are also options for you outside of couples counseling if that either doesn't work for your schedule or if your partner is not open to going to counseling. There are a variety of reasons why counseling might not be a good fit for you, or a good fit for you at a certain time in your life.
            2. Workshops. So other options would be workshops. There are a lot of different types of couple workshops out there. Some of them are specific for like marriage preparation workshops. The one I really like is called Hold Me Tight Workshop although there are other ones such are Prepare/Enrich and The Gottman Method. If you are interested in attending a couple workshop, check out the upcoming events, workshops, and retreats hosted by The Communicate & Connect Podcast. 
            3. You could also do a relationship intensive. So this is something I started offering in my counseling practice. I do them for normal couples counseling as well, but for pre-marital and newlywed couples counseling I offer one-day premarital intensives. This is especially helpful when people are working on getting ready for a wedding and a honeymoon. There's all this planning and all the time it takes to plan. It's stressful and so the premarital counseling doesn't have to be stressful. For those who are unfamiliar with intensive, an intensive are where you go work with a couples counselor for a full day or a full two days depending on what you need. You knock out six hours of therapy in a day. It's very intensive but it's also fun to do it all at once. I really like them. I like them for regular couples intensive therapy work as well as for pre-marital work.  It's a lot of the same skills that you can learn with your regular weekly counselor but you knock out all your premarital counseling out in a day.
            4. There are also relationship retreats. (Check out our events page for upcoming retreats.) If you wanted something more like a vacation, then a retreat might be for you.  Workshops are something you might travel to that's either in your city or in a town nearby. But if you wanted more of a vacation feel, or a destination travel location where you work on learning skills there, then relationship retreats are a great option.
            5. There are books and podcasts. Like this podcast! Whether you listen to an audio book or podcast, that these are another way of going about building up your relationship communication skills. In regards to books, check out my list of recommended resources to get all my favorite books for couples. 

            Action Item for Communicate & Connect Episode 30: Relationship Communication Skills

            If you were to do one thing ,or take away one thing from today, what I would want you to go home and try is to try to start reflecting back what you hear your partner saying. Use that as a way to start developing your active listening and your empathy skills. So it's not it's not a huge task here, it's just repeat back. "Okay, thank you for sharing. I heard you say this, I heard you say xyz. Did I understand that correctly?" That's all you gotta do. So if you do this challenge, please post about it or send me a message or tag me on social media. I want to know how it goes.

            Alright, have a great day. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If so please take a second to go rate review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. You can also sign up for my free 10-week relationship email course. This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away.

            Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

            Liz's Useful Links: 
            • Download the Getting Ready for Marriage Checklist here. 
            • YouTube
            • Instagram
            • Facebook
            • Linked In
            • Work with Liz
            • Listen to other Episodes
            Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge  is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun.  There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships  and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”.

            Thanks for Listening!
            Picture
            Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. At the time of this recording, Liz travels between offices in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and Fallon, Nevada.  She provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

            ​DISCLAIMER: 
            My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
            podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

            Join the Newsletter

            Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

              We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
              Built with ConvertKit
              0 Comments

              Podcast Episode 29: How to Fight Fair in Relationships

              8/4/2022

              0 Comments

               

              ​Are you a team even when you are fighting? This is the ninth episode of a series on 
              Getting Ready for Marriage. ​In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of fighting fair in relationships. 

              IN THIS PODCAST

              SUMMARY:
              • Qualities of fighting dirty in relationships
              • Qualities of fighting fair in relationships
              • Tips to fight fair in relationships
              Picture

              ​Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage?

              I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!

              An example of dirty fighting.

              Hey, everyone welcome back to the communicate and connect podcast. This is Episode 29 on how to fight fair in relationships. So today is all about how to fight fair in relationships and I am thinking right now about a fight that I witnessed about a year ago. There was a couple where it was a guy who was bringing up a concern that he had. I can't remember what their fight was about, but I remember the female partner responded and just said, "well if you don't like it then you can leave". And I was thinking to myself, "okay, I don't really like how their fight is going".

              It doesn't feel like a very fair fight to say "whatever you don't like, if you don't like it, you can just leave". There's no room for negotiation in that. In the above example, the woman didn't even hear what his concerns were.

              ​And so today I figured let's talk about how to fight fair in relationships. This is probably something that's pretty important as you're starting out your marriage because you want to build up a habit of trying to fight fair. This way you don't build up these like really negative fighting habits that then later on have to then try to fix and repair. Let's just try to get it down from the beginning. So we'll talk a little bit about like some qualities that are related to fighting poorly, and what are some things that are qualities of fighting well and fighting fairly, and then I'll give you some of my tips for how you could do this.
              Picture

              Qualities of dirty fighting.

              Qualities of a bad fight, or fighting in an unfair way include:
              • Generalizations: statements like "you always do this" or "you never do this" or "I'm the one that always has to do this" or "I never get to do this". These sort of big generalizations words--like always, never, etc.--are usually not fighting fairly. They're very rarely ever truly the case that somebody never does something or that you are the only one who always is doing something. So I I would count that in a poor fighting arena.
              • Criticism: The next one would be being critical, and especially being critical of someone's character such as name calling. So when a fight gets to being critical and name calling--like saying things like "you're lazy" or "you're an invalid". Or insulting someone's intelligence using words like "you're retarded". I hate that word but I've definitely heard couples say that to each other. So things that are critical of someone's character. This isn't just a fight about having a disagreement and needing to problem solve and come to an agreement about something. Somehow it's turned into attacking and tearing your partner down and trying to make them feel bad about themselves. At that point we are really in a bad fight and that is not a fair fight.
              • Switching Topics: Another thing that's not great is getting off topic and I see that happen so often with couples. Someone brings up a topic, maybe they say "I don't like this", or "I want to do this, I want us to go on on date night on Fridays". Then somehow the conversation gets to a different topic. So let's say one partner says, "I want to go on date nights on Fridays"; and the other partner says, "well, there's no time to go on date nights because I'm the one who always has to do the cleaning and Fridays are the only time to do cleaning. And if you weren't so lazy, then we would have time to clean earlier in the week. Why do you have to be lazy?  You never help around the house." Now we we have generalizations that are critical of someone's character and we're also off topic. The couple is no longer talking about date nights. They are talking about chores and cleaning the house. This happens a lot for couples and it's a quality of fighting poorly.
              • Making Threats: Another quality would be threats, which is what happened in that example where somebody said, "if you don't like it, you can just leave". That is a threat about the relationship. It's not outright, but I have also seen couples outrightly threaten, "I'm going to leave the relationship unless you don't do this". In situations like this, there's no room to fight, or to have a discussion, or to come to an agreement, or negotiate ,or anything. I've also seen people threaten to take kids: "Well, I'm going to take the kids and we're going to leave". That is also not a fair fight.
              • Not Giving Space: Another thing that is not fair is not giving your partner space or not taking a time out when you both are getting really heated. Some couples have a hard time with taking breaks its because the fight is really stressful. People want to get it resolved, and want to talk it through; but at some point they are both too emotional to have a productive conversation. When people can't take a break to calm down, not taking a break at that point is a quality of poor fighting.
              • Sweeping Things Under the Rug: And then lastly, is sweeping things under the rug. So let's say that you do have the ability to take a break, but then you don't return back to the discussion in order to resolve it. Then you're just sweeping the problem under the rug and that is also a quality of poor fighting.
              Picture

              Qualities of fair fighting. 

              • Staying on Topic: So number one for me is staying on topic. If someone says a generalization (ex: "that you never do something"), then you are already off topic now because the partner is going to start getting defensive (Ex: saying "well I did it this time and this time and this time"). Then you are not talking about the actual topic at hand. Same thing if you get into name calling or get defensive or give an excuse--these led couples to be off topic as well. So number one in good fights, fair fights, is to stay on topic and address the issue at hand instead of getting swept away into something else.
              • Be Direct About What you are Looking for From Your Partner: Another quality of fighting fair and fighting well in relationships is being direct about what you're looking for from your partner in response. So if you're bringing up a concern, you should also be direct about what you're wanting from them. Are you wanting acknowledgement? Just that they heard you and acknowledge your concern? Are you asking for something that is a specific change? Do you want them to do a specific behavior in response? Then you want to make that clear that you're bringing up this concern and this is what you hope they are going to do in response to hearing you bring this up. That could be asking for a change. It could be acknowledgement, but it could also be comfort. For example, it could be, "my feelings are really hurt that this happened and I am wanting reassurance and comfort from you". That is a perfectly legitimate and wonderful thing to bring up in a relationship. It's helpful to your partner, keeps you guys on track, and and keeps you in the fair fighting lane when you're clear about what it is you're looking for from your partner.
              • Talk About the Actual Present Moment Problem: Other things that are qualities of fighting fairly are talking about the actual problem versus talking about the past. Avoid bringing up the past or talking about negative qualities of your partner or personality characteristics you don't like. Talk about the issue that just happened.
              • Take Breaks as needed to Calm Down: Also taking breaks is a really great thing to do to help you fight fair because again, if both of you are so emotionally overwhelmed, there's no way that you guys can can fight fair. Definitely not if you're like pissed off or enraged on the inside. Take time to calm down and regulate your emotions first in order to stay in a fair fighting spot.
              • Return Back to the Discussion: If you do take a break or if you find yourself getting off topic, you want to circle back around and return to the topic. This way the actual topic gets addressed instead of sweeping it under the rug. 
              Picture
              Make a claim about what you want instead of blaming your partner, it's a claim not to blame" 

              Tips to fight fair in relationships. 

              • Make a Claim, Not a Blame: So my first one is a quote that I recently heard. I can't remember where I got it, but they were saying "make a claim about what you want instead of blaming your partner, it's a claim not to blame". That's going to be like one of my new favorite quotes.
              • Use Acronym DEAR: So how can someone make a claim? I really like to use an acronym called DEAR MAN which comes from a type of therapy called dialectical behavioral therapy. It's a skills group. It's group therapy that covers a wide range of different skills and this is one of the skills that gets taught in this therapy group. So it's an acronym; it stands for 1. Describe, 2. Express , 3. Assert, and  4. Reinforce.
                • DESCRIBE: The goal is to describe the situation factually without any opinions. For example, a couple of episodes ago I used this example where my husband got into this hot tub with some of our friends and didn't include me or at least that's how I felt. I felt kind of excluded and I realized that a few weeks have gone by between these episodes by the time they're released, but at the time that I'm recording it, it's still kind of fresh. So I'll use this as an example. So in the actual situation I did go into blaming him. I should a have made that into a claim using DEAR. If I had used DEAR, it might sound like: "Okay, I looked up and I realized you weren't there and then I found out you had gone into the hot tub with other people." This would be just describing the facts.
                • EXPRESS: Then you want to express your thoughts and feelings about it. For example, I could have said, "That hurt my feelings because I felt excluded." It's factual; it's not blaming; I'm describing how I feel and I'm expressing my thoughts and feelings about it.
                • ASSERT: The next step is to assert what I want or what my request is going to be here. And so maybe I'm I could say, "I really want reassurance and comfort that you weren't trying to exclude me". I could make that be my "assert" or I could assert what I want in the future. For example, "I would really like it if in the future you could remember to try to include me in activities". That would be a great assert as well. 
                • REINFORCE: Then our is reinforce. You want to reinforce the positive thing that will come as a result of somebody giving you what you want or what you're asking for. In certain situations you could always describe the negative consequences, but that is not as great. I would always start with a carrot and not a stick; so you want to start with the positive. For example, "That would, if you did that, that would help me feel better in this relationship and I probably wouldn't gets so frustrated when things like this happen". That would be a positive. There is also a negative version which has some nuance that is probably best discussed with a therapist who's familiar with with DEAR for when do you use a carrot versus a stick. But, for example, I could say: "If you keep excluding me, then I'm no longer gonna come with you on group trips like this because it's not fun for me to feel excluded".  That would be a stick, but I would always recommend starting with the carrot: "It would make me feel a lot better and I think we would enjoy our trip more if you could make an intentional effort to include me in things moving forward". And that is how you use DEAR to describe, express, assert, and reinforce.
                • So altogether it might sound like:
                  • "I looked up and you weren't there and I noticed you went to the hot tub with a bunch of other people. My feelings were hurt because I felt really excluded. Moving forward, I would appreciate it if you could intentionally make an effort to include me in things. That would help me feel better and help us both have a better time on this trip. Are you good with that?"
                  • That would be DEAR altogether and would be a claim not a blame. It's a claim of what I want, what I'm looking for, and what I'm asking for. It's to the point and it's on topic. There are no generalizations, there's no criticalness happening here. It's about the problem and it's clear. 
                • Focus on Hurt Feelings: So this is one of my top tips for having clear request and it also helps if you focus on your hurt feelings. So for example, in Step 2 of Express, I said "my feelings are hurt by this. I felt excluded." I went to my deeper emotion at the time. I was feeling pissed but I was feeling pissed because I was so hurt by feeling excluded. It's totally different thing if I said, "you went to the hot tub without me. I'm really pissed at you. I can't believe you would do that. Don't do that again or else I'm gonna leave". That would be a totally different emotional experience. Technically I used DEAR, but I used DEAR in a super negative way. So you want to focus on the hurt feelings over the anger, and that's going to help that go more smoothly.
                • Repair First, Then Problem Solve: And then my final tip is, let's say your partner uses DAER with you and makes a claim about how their feelings were hurt and how they have this concern and they're making this request of you. You want to focus on repairing the hurt feelings, and then problem solving. You have to repair the hurt feelings before you can problem solve. And that might look like, "oh my gosh, I didn't know you felt excluded. That was not my goal." That's lovely validation around the hurt feelings, and then you can negotiate about whether you'll be included or not and how that will go. Remember, you want to repair hurt feelings first and then negotiate. Then after you've had this discussion, whether you're wanting acknowledgement or asking for a change, you want to end with love and care. At the end of the day, while we may need to problem solve, we also need to know that we're connected. We all need to know that we're loved and cared for. So at the end of a fight, one of the things that is really helpful for fighting fair is reconnecting emotionally. It can look a lot of different ways but the goal would be ending in a place where both of you feel loved and cared for.

              Action Items for Communicate & Connect Episode 29: How to Fight Fair in Relationships

              So my action item for everyone today is to practice DEAR in at least one conversation. I would practice an easy one. You know when I teach this to people in therapy, I often tell them to start by asking for salt because that's really easy. "I noticed the salt is over there (Describe). I would really like the salt (Express). Could you pass it? (Assert) That would make me really happy. (reinforce)" That's such an easy way. You just wanna start practicing the template/ format of using DEAR and then that'll make it easier and easier to use in more difficult conversations. So find one thing (not the biggest, most painful topic in your relationship!) that you could use to make a request of your partner. Use DEAR as the format for that conversation and then let me know how it goes.

              Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

              Liz's Useful Links: 
              • Download the Getting Ready for Marriage Checklist here. 
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              Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”.

              Thanks for listening!
              Picture
              Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

              ​DISCLAIMER: 
              My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
              podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

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                Podcast Episode 28: Emotional Triggers in Relationships

                6/13/2022

                 

                ​Do you and your partner know each other's raw spots and emotional triggers? This is the eighth episode of a series on 
                Getting Ready for Marriage. ​In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of identifying your emotional triggers in relationships. 

                IN THIS PODCAST

                SUMMARY:
                • Understanding emotional triggers in relationships. 
                • Types of emotional triggers in relationships. 
                • Identifying your emotional triggers. 
                • Communicating about emotional triggers in relationships. 
                Picture

                ​Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage

                I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!

                A Personal Example of an Emotional Trigger

                Hey, everyone welcome back to the communicate and connect podcast. This is episode 28 on emotional triggers in relationships. So I'm pretty glad that we're going to talk about emotional triggers in relationships because we all have them and being aware of kind of where the landmines are in a relationship is generally a good idea. So I'll start with a story about myself because I find that examples tend to be very helpful for people when we're talking about these things. So for example, I have a raw spot that triggers me and that is when my husband laughs at me. That comes from my childhood, I can trace the roots of that raw spot back to my childhood when I was more overweight.
                ​
                I don't know if I would really say overweight; I developed into womanhood earlier than my peers. And so I had a more adult body than my peers did at the time and I did feel kind of like an outcast because of that. People would make fun of me and they would laugh at me. And so that is a very humiliating feeling, that is a trigger now for me. So if I'm like playing around with my husband or I'm doing something or I say something to him and he starts laughing at me, I immediately go into why are you making fun of me? Are you making fun of me? How can my person, who I love, be making fun of me? And it does, it's a big trigger for me emotionally And every time I ask him, I say why are you laughing at me or why are you making fun of me, and he says, "I'm not making fun of you, I think you're cute" and that is always his response to me. It is sweet when I can remove myself from how I feel emotionally triggered, he is feeling sweet emotions towards me which is nice to think about you know that he's feeling sweet emotions towards me that he finds me cute. I mean, I do like that, but his expression of it by laughing and chuckling like he does is triggering for me.

                So this I think is a great example of how we have emotional triggers that come from somewhere in our past that our partner could be doing something with positive intentions and it could still be an emotional raw spot--an emotional trigger--and bring up a lot of painful emotions. And again these are often like landmines. So my husband and I have worked through this already in our marriage and I still sometimes get triggered by it, but we have the same discussion each time and it's not as painful now as it was towards the beginning.​
                Oftentimes the partner is not doing anything wrong. They're not doing anything wrong, they're just being themselves and something happened to trigger the pain template." -- Elizabeth Polinsky 

                Understanding Emotional Raw Spots and Emotional Triggers

                I got myself a little off track here but let me get back on track. So we all have emotional raw spots and they get bumped up against in marriage. And when that happens, we do get emotionally triggered and it brings up a kind of a mental template in my mind.

                When we go through painful emotional experiences, our mind stores that memory and our bodies store that memory, and in that memory are the emotions that I had with that memory. And so the memory comes up. It's not just a memory, it's also a memory plus all of the emotions that I felt at the time. And so then something in modern day or current day happens in your relationship. Something happens that feels very similar to what happened in the past. It brings up all of the emotions, not just from that moment in time, the current moment in time, but it brings up the emotions from when that has happened in the past as well. So now we have lots of painful emotions happening, and it is very painful when raw spots get triggered.

                And in relationships, it's hard because if I don't know that my partner has a raw spot, I don't know to avoid it. I don't know why they're hurt. Like I could see like if I put myself in my husband's shoes and I'm laughing because I think my wife is cute and then she gets really mad and blows up at me for making fun of her. I'm going to feel kind of lost as to what on earth is going on. But if he knows that that's a raw spot for me, and if I can communicate that to him in the moment, then that helps him know for the future. But it also helps him be able to comfort me and help us have a different experience of where we can become closer versus becoming more distant as a result. Often times when raw spots get hit, people either blame their partners for hurting them or they kind of shut down and go away and distance from their partners.
                It's extra challenging because oftentimes the partner is not doing anything wrong. They're not doing anything wrong, they're just being themselves and something happened to trigger the pain template inside of me--or inside of you in this case. So they're really not the cause of the pain, they just happened to be the trigger at that time. The goal is to be able to express the pain that gets triggered and then be able to comfort each other when that happens.
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                Navigating Emotional Triggers in Relationships Like a Pro

                I like to use this metaphor of dancing, you know, couple relationships are a lot like dancing. I do dance, some of you probably already know that. I started with like swing dancing, lindy hop, balboa, charleston--all of that stuff. I met my husband through west coast swing. Recently, I've been getting really into kizomba dancing; it's just so much fun! But when you dance with somebody, it's really common to step on each other's toes. Just the other week, I was dancing with somebody and I kind of tripped and I had high heels on. And my heel, like I jammed it into the dude's foot, and I felt so horrible, I was like, "oh my God, I did not mean to like, put all of my weight through my heel into your foot!". Like ouch, that's gotta hurt. But these types of things do happen when you dance, and the goal is to see, okay, how can we recover in this moment and keep on dancing together?

                And that's also what we want to happen with emotional raw spots. So you guys are interacting together, you and your partner, and somehow they bump into or step on your toes or do something that triggers an emotional raw spot for you. It does hurt. Of course it hurts, and it also comes along with dancing together and being in a relationship together. There's no way, there's no way to avoid raw spots altogether. The most important part, instead of, you know, as you get used to dancing together, you probably step on each other's toes less and less because you become more in sync. So basically the goal is that I can't, you know, it's not possible for me to never step on my partner's toes, and to never bump into them, and to never hit a raw spot or an emotional trigger for them. That is just unrealistic if we want to interact together. If we want to dance together it's going to happen and it does happen less and less as we get used to each other, get used to the triggers, get used to interacting together, dancing together--but it'll still happen.
                ​
                When it happens, the goal is to recover. The way that couples recover is through comforting each other when triggers comes up, when the pain comes up. So that is the ultimate goal for couples. If that feels like a challenge, you could go to couples counseling, they can help you figure out how to do that. 

                Examples of Emotional Triggers and Emotional Raw Spots

                But let's just talk about the beginning of the marriage because this series is on getting ready for marriage and the foundational tips to help you get started. And so it can be really helpful if you can identify some of your raw spots at the beginning of the relationship, and if your partner can identify some of their raw spots at the beginning of the relationship. That is gonna be awesome.
                ​
                It's always better to know this is a really painful spot ahead of time. It's nice to know that and not find it out later. So some examples of raw spots are:
                • Feelings of being rejected.
                • Feeling betrayed.
                • Being afraid of being rejected.
                • Being afraid of being betrayed
                • A loss of control.
                • Feeling excluded. 
                • Feeling trapped. 

                ​I covered the raw spot of excluded in the last episode when I talked about my trip with my husband to this cabin with some friends. He got into a hot tub and he like didn't invite me and I felt excluded. That feeling of exclusion has to do also from stuff from my childhood that is a template that came up for me.
                ​
                So that is another example that is slightly different than the first one if that's helpful for you. But okay, so we've got rejection, betrayal, loss of control, feeling excluded, feeling unwanted. Also feeling too needed to where you might feel smothered and like you don't have your own room. That could also involve kind of feeling trapped--like you don't have your own independence. These are feelings that are common feelings for people when they have a raw spot that got triggered. 
                It's better to repair than try to avoid... the antidote to the pain is comfort from your partner; it's not avoiding it." -- Elizabeth Polinsky

                Identifying Emotional Triggers

                And you want to see if you can maybe think about your most recent fight and kind of get curious about it. See if you can connect it to your past life events. So, some good questions to ask yourself would be:
                • When else have I felt this way before in my life?
                • Then ask: is there a pattern? Is there a pattern in my life where I felt this at different times?

                If so then, it's probably an even bigger raw spot because there are more memories and painful emotions encoded in that mental template. You want to be able to share these with your partner so that way they can be aware. They can try to avoid it, but they're not going to get that perfect. And ultimately it's better to tell them when you do get triggered and ask them for comfort. They can help comfort you and help you with the pain of that so you guys can get back in sync and keep dancing. It's better to repair than try to avoid. And I would I really like, I cannot stress this enough, like the antidote to the pain is comfort from your partner; it's not avoiding it.
                ​
                So, if you have questions about that, feel free to send them in a comment or something on social media. If there are questions, then I can do a live or something that goes a little more in-depth on that. 
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                Action Item for Communicate & Connect Podcast Episode 28: Emotional Triggers in Relationships

                So, your action item for this episode is I want you to see if you can identify just one raw spot, that is a common emotional trigger for you, and share it with your partner. And I think that's gonna help just open up your conversation around emotional raw spots and emotional triggers. All right, have a great day. 

                Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

                Liz's Useful Links: 
                • Download the Getting Ready for Marriage Checklist here. 
                • YouTube
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                • Facebook
                • Linked In
                • Work with Liz
                • Listen to other Episodes
                Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge  is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun.  There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships  and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”.

                Thanks for Listening!
                Picture
                Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​


                ​
                ​DISCLAIMER: 
                My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
                podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

                Join the Newsletter

                Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

                  We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
                  Built with ConvertKit

                  Podcast Episode 27: Communication Styles in Relationships

                  5/8/2022

                   
                  What's your communication stress style? How about you partner's? This is the seventh episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. ​In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of identifying your communication stress styles in oder to improve your communication. ​

                  IN THIS PODCAST

                  SUMMARY:
                  • The 5 Styles of Communication.
                  • How stress changes how we communicate. 
                  • Importance of identifying your communication stress style. 
                  • The importance of authentic, straightforward, and congruent communication. 
                  Picture
                  1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage:
                  I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!

                  2. Recent story about communication styles in my marriage: 
                  My husband is about to start workups for deployment and we went on a trip with some friends to Charlottesville Virginia. We had a super great time! There was one night were I was working on some stuff on my computer, and all the sudden I looked up and he was no longer right next to me. It turned out that he had gone out to the hot tub with some of our friends and didn't tell me or invite me. While this may not be a bog deal for everyone, it made me really angry that he didn't invite me. This is because deep down it triggered emotions and thoughts that maybe he didn't want to include me or that I wasn't even a thought to him. These were painful thoughts and emotions for me which then led me to getting really angry and blaming him. And this is partly because blaming is my communication stress style. 
                  Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships she or he makes with others and what happens to each in the world.” - Virginia Satir, 1988

                  The 5 Communication Stress Styles in Relationships

                  3. The Theory Behind the 5 Communication Stress Styles in Relationships
                  These styles come from Virginia Satir who was the mother of family therapy. Her whole thing was that communication is what determines the type of the relationships we have! Her basic idea was that we all react to stress and especially threats to our self-esteem. This is what happened in the above example with my husband and the hot tub--it made me feel that I wasn't wanted and wasn't worth thinking about.

                  This is just an example of how something could be a threat to someone's self-esteem. Although the threat, or the painful thoughts and feelings, will vary from person to person. Threats to self-esteem could involve feelings of shame, guilt, rejection, fear, low self-esteem. 

                  When there are threats to self-esteem, people react with one of the communication stress styles: blaming, placating, being super-reasonable, or distracting. These are ways that we protect ourselves from threats to self esteem. They are coping skills to try not to feel so insecure. They all relate to the question of "am I going to be accepted or rejected in this relationship? will I be seen as not good enough or unwanted?" They are coping styles for the fear of insecurity or the painful feelings that come up when rejected or unaccepted. Often these are coping skills that people learned in childhood that they get carried on into adulthood. However, they can become a problem in marriages. The final style is called the congruent style which is the one we all want to strive for.  
                  [These styles] are like a mask that we wear to try to coverup the feelings of insecurity and to try to not feel so insecure" - Elizabeth Polinsky
                  4. Communication Style 1: Blaming 
                  • On the Outside: Blamers tend to be very critical, complain a lot, and tend to find fault in other people. They often don't take responsibility for themselves, what they are doing m feeling, or what they want in relationships. 
                  • On the Inside: they are pretty unhappy, feeling lonely and unlovable. 
                  • How the Coping Skill Developed: In childhood they felt their needs would not be met by other people and so they coped by blaming, going on the offense, so they will hopefully come meet my needs. This is how they cope with the fear of being unloveable and that their needs won't be met.
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                  5. Communication Style 2: Placating 
                  • On the Outside: This is your people pleasers. Often say yes, don't provide alternative options, and avoid conflict at all costs. 
                  • On the Inside: They often feel helpless and worthless. That is the threat to self-esteem on the inside for them. This is because their self-esteem, self-value, and self-worth come from other people. They want others to see them as valuable and to want them. So they people please, go along with what others want or what they think others will want, and hold feelings on the inside. This coping skill is to avoid the risk of disapproval. Because of this it is hard for them to express anger. Often times they are working really hard mentally to suppress emotions which can lead to depression.  
                  • How the Coping Skill Developed: They grew up with a lot of fear of disapproval in their families. They coped in their families by keeping the peace, going a long, and trying to either not be noticed or not be a problem for anyone. Alternatively, they might try to be the golden child, perfect, being whatever they think others want them to be.  
                  6. Communication Style 3:  Super Reasonable
                  • On the Outside: I think of a computer with this style. They are calm, cool, collected, and almost emotionless. They will cite a lot of facts. They really don't like making mistakes or being wrong. They have very good memories for what other's have done wrong. This part is different from the blamer because there is no heat from the anger; instead it is expressed from a more emotionless stance. People might describe this person as cold, not empathetic, and maybe even robotic.
                  • On the Inside: They are very disconnected from their emotions. They are uncomfortable with emotions in general--both  their own emotions and other peoples emotions. They might even view emotions as dangerous and something to avoid. So they cope by going to logic. They are often longing for justice and fairness and to be accepted and to be seen as good. There is a fear of being seen as imperfect or lacking or not good enough in some way. They want to know they belong and are loved. 
                  • How the Coping Skill Developed: They often grew up in families that conveyed that they weren't good enough. To cope with the feeling of not being good enough or being found as lacking, they tried to become perfect. Similar to people pleasing in that they want to be seen positively; but instead of trying to make people happy, they become very detail oriented and logical to make sure everything is done just right, Then there is no argument for someone to say they did it wrong. That was how they could gain acceptance in their family to prevent rejection. 
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                  7. Communication Style 4: Distracting / Irrelevant Style
                  • On the Outside: This is very talkative, all over the place, and erratic. Sometimes they are out of touch with reality. They might avoid eye contact and not respond to questions directly. Instead they might make a joke to change the subject, avoid responding, or randomly change the subject. 
                  • On the Inside: They feel distrustful and worried. They often think that if they ignore the problem it will go away. There is a lot of fear about how the person will react if there is a problem. They navigate the conversation away from the problem by either changing their emotional experience or getting them on a different topic. 
                  • How the Coping Skill Developed: This is a less common style, but in their families conflict was not a safe thing. So the only way to cope was to avoid problem, try to get the person to focus on something else, or try to  get them to not be angry so they could feel safe. 
                  8. Communication Style 5: The Congruent Communication Style
                  The above 4 styles are styles that come out when someone is under stress and especially when they have feelings of insecurity that are impacting their self-esteem. You want to know what your stress style is and what your partners stress style is. 

                  Virginia Satir and her team of researchers estimated that about 50% of people are placaters, 30% are blamers, 15% are super-reasonable, and 0.5% are distracters. That leaves about 4% of people communicating in the congruent style or the leveler style. 

                  The congruent style is what we all want to strive for. In this style, people are not using one of the other 4 styles. Instead, in the congruent style the individuals thoughts, feelings, and behaviors all match and are in-sync. This different than in the other 4 styles because in the other 4 styles the person feels something but is doing or saying something different. 

                  In order to be congruent in your communication and have you feelings and behaviors match, you have to be able to feel your feelings. This can be very challenging for people. You have to let yourself feel your feelings, then share them with others in an authentic and straightforward ways. 
                  Ultimately we want couples to be able to feel their feelings, and share them in authentic and straightforward ways; especially when they are handling conflict, trying to confide in each other, or when they are trying to solve problems together. " --Elizabeth Polinsky 
                  ACTION STEP:
                  See if you and your partner can identify you communication stress styles. Just knowing you styles will help you prepare for marriage. Being able to identify them and communicate about them will help you navigate when they come up in marriage. It will make it easier to recognize when it is happening and you both will know that it is stemming from stress and when something it triggering you sense of self-esteem. 

                  If you find that you need help woking on communicating in  congruent way and changing you stress style of communication, consider working with someone who is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) or who is a Certified Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). 
                  References: 
                  Davies, M. (2019, March 21). Four stress communication styles. Medium. Retrieved May 8, 2022, from https://medium.com/@mattdavies.org/four-stress-communication-styles-b804de9f5c6 

                  Gehart, D. R. (2014). Mastering competencies in family therapy. Belmont, CA: Brooks-Cole, Cengage Learning.

                  Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

                  ​Liz's Useful Links: 
                  • Download the Getting Ready for Marriage Checklist here. 
                  • YouTube
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                  • Listen to other Episodes
                  Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”.

                  Thanks for listening!
                  Picture
                  Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​


                  ​
                  ​DISCLAIMER: 
                  My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
                  podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

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                    Podcast Episode 26: Decision Making in Relationships

                    2/19/2022

                    0 Comments

                     
                    Who gets to decide in your relationship? This is the sixth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. ​In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of being on the same page with who gets decision making power in the relationship and when. 

                    IN THIS PODCAST

                    SUMMARY:
                    • Power conflicts come from different opinions on who gets to make decisions. 
                    • 5 options for making decisions in relationships. 
                    • Topics to decide on together about who gets to make decisions and when. 
                    Picture
                    MAIN POINTS:
                    ​

                    1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage:
                    It’s wedding season now and I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!

                    2. Recent story about decision making in my marriage: 
                    As you may already know, I am a marriage counselor in Norfolk Virginia, and also provide online counseling in South Carolina, Arkansas, Virginia, and soon to be Nevada. You can find out more about my marriage counseling services at www.ElizabethPolinskyCounseling.com. 

                    I have recently been thinking about going counseling retreats and workshops for military couples who aren't able to attend weekly therapy sessions sue to difficulties with their military schedule--whether they have rotating shift schedules, inconsistent schedules, or because they are going through workups or are soon to deploy. 

                    In thinking about starting to do workshops and retreats, I wanted to do a training on providing retreats but the cost was $3,000. I wanted to do it, and my husband wanted me to wait. This is where we get into decision making power in relationships and who gets to decide. The question is, do I get to decide this on my own? Or should my husband have a say on my business expenses? Couples face difficult decisions about who has decision making power and when in the relationship. 
                    There are no right or wrongs here--just different pros and cons for how you both decide who has decision making power and when" --Elizabeth Polinsky 
                    3. Having fights over power is a common relationship experience. 
                    People have different preferences for whether they or their partner get to make the decision on something--and what things should be  joint decisions. The problem is when this hasn't been discussed or agreed on, then it a can great tension when you feel very different than you partner on a topic. ​Another topic where this comes up a lot is parenting and different parenting styles -- who gets to decide what parenting style you guys will use and how you will discipline the kids? You probably want to be on the same page about this!
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                    4. The PAIRS Foundation talks about a Powergram: 
                    They have a worksheet that covers 5 different options:  
                    • My decision only
                    • My decision with my partner's input
                    • Our decision equally 
                    • My partner's decision with my input
                    • My partner's decision only 

                    5. Topics to decide on together: 
                    It is helpful for couples to go through the Powergram options above or by using the worksheet to decide on the following topics: 
                    • Work hours
                    • Bed time
                    • Money decisions (See Episode 24 on Couple Finances) 
                    • Food and diet habits
                    • Parenting styles and discipline 

                    Action Steps: 
                    Download the PAIRS Powergram here! You and your partner will fill out the worksheet separately and then compare the results together. Use this to talk about where you guys had different opinions so that way you can come to an agreement and be on the same page!
                    Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!
                    Liz's Useful Links: 
                    • Download the Getting Ready for Marriage Checklist here. 
                    • YouTube
                    • Instagram
                    • Facebook
                    • Linked In
                    • Work with Liz
                    • Listen to other Episodes
                    Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge  is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun.  There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships  and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”.

                    Thanks for Listening!
                    Picture
                    Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​



                    ​DISCLAIMER: 
                    My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
                    podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

                    Join the Newsletter

                    Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

                      We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
                      Built with ConvertKit
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                        The Communicate & Connect Podcast
                        In Communicate & Connect For Military Relationships, I provide educational tips for relationships, communication, and navigating military family life.

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                        Hey, I'm Elizabeth "Liz" Polinsky and I am a marriage counselor in Virginia Beach. I provide online counseling across the states of VA, SC, AR, and NV. 

                        Looking for couples counseling? Schedule your free 20-minute consultation here. ​

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                        The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships

                        A podcast devoted to explaining relationship science so military couples can thrive despite the unique challenges of military life. 

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                        (757) 354-1157

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                        liz@communicateandconnectpodcast.com
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