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Having a personal identity is important for your relationship but can also help you stay more grounded in the face of life stressors. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews LaQuita Monely on how to have a personal identity in a marriage.
IN THIS PODCAST
Introduction to LaQuita Monley
LaQuita Monley is a proud retired army wife, mother of five children, and grandmother of six. She is also a minister and a certified speaker/coach/facilitator with the John Maxwell Team.
In terms of identity, understanding the roles I play and how they are connected to who I am is very important" -- LaQuita Monley What is identity and why is it important?
LaQuita defines identity as being who or what a person is. Many people assume their identity is based on the roles they play (mom, coworker, etc.). However, she believes that identity comes from the core of who you are and what your core values are. Often figuring out your core values and using the DISC assessment can help you determine your core identity. Even though your roles may change, who you are at your core remains the same. Figuring out your identity is figuring out who you are at the core. Even as you grow, get older, and mature, there will still be a core identity of who you are. LaQuita leads her clients through this journey using the Maxwell Method and DISC assessments.
The Maxwell Method is a leadership model that uses the DISC Personality Assessment. D stands for "dominant" because they can respond in a crisis and de-escalate the situation. I stands for "inspiring" and are very influential, enthusiastic, and persuasive. S stands for "steady" and this trait tends to be stable, team players, and to love systems. The C personality trait stands for "compliant" and is a nice combo of S and D traits--they want everything correct. People score with different strengths of each personality trait, according to LaQuita the results can help explain communication styles, who you might naturally click with, and gives you ways to communicate with different types of personalities. Identity is who I am across time that remains consistent, even though I change roles" -- Elizabeth Polinsky 
Challenges of identity as a military spouse.
Military life is so transitional. If someone doesn't have a strong sense of who they are at their core, they can become consumed with over identifying as their role of parent or spouse, etc., and even in the role of military spouse. The role of military spouse is challenging because it is a role and fake identity of having no control.
Resiliency is so important. Unfortunately it can't be taught. It has to be experienced and there is no way to really prepare for it. As you go, military spouses tend to learn how to respond and how to bounce back. When you are solid in your identity though, it is easier to be resilient. It helps you know how to process and to respond to the situation at hand. Because of regardless of what happens with military life, you remain the same at the core and you do not change. If you know who you are at the core, you can be in a more grounded place so you won't be thrown around as much by the chaos of military life. Your identity is your grounder. How having your own identity is related to marriage success.
Knowing your identity is important for the marriage and family unit. If you can stay grounded based on who you are, you can be more present for your spouse and kids. It can even help you rely on others in a more effective way. In LaQuita's experiences of military spouse groups, those with strong identities had strong boundaries and were more stable and steady--the people you could rely on.
Tips for military couples and spouses to develop a sense of identity
Working with LaQuita Monley:
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz has offices in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and Fallon, Nevada, and also provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
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Everyone has overwhelming emotions from time to time that impact their relationships. Learning to deal with overwhelming emotions can be helpful in terms of being able to get your needs met, but also in being able to have better communication with your partner. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews Jackie Schuld on dealing with overwhelming emotions in a marriage.
IN THIS PODCAST
Introduction to Jackie Schuld
Jackie Schuld grew up as an Air Force brat and now works as an art therapist and mental health counselor. Her specialty is working with clients who have overwhelming thoughts and feelings.
Individual mental health and the ability to deal with emotions is relevant to how people can navigate any of their discussions [as a couple].....it's directly tied to how someone can deal with their emotions." -- Elizabeth Polinsky How emotions are related to marriage:
Emotions impact all of our relationships. A lot of times our emotions don't have much to do with the other person. Someone may feel angry because they feel their spouse isn't understanding them, but this may actually have more to do with their personal past of feeling misunderstood throughout their life.
We all have stories from our past life experiences. Then partners can do something that unintentionally trigger a story that you believe that has actually been more a theme throughout your life. Why effectively dealing with emotions is especially important for military couples:
There is so much lack of control in military life, and this is a very unique struggle and emotional experience that military couples face that civilian couples don't face to the same extent. Many difficult feelings come up with that lack of control such as sadness, anger, anxiety, etc. Plus the frequency of overwhelming emotions is higher for military couples because they are constantly rotating through difficult emotions with the deployment cycle.
How Jackie Schuld teaches her clients to deal with overwhelming emotions
Jackie's approach to emotions is that needs are beneath emotions. For example, a need for understanding, connection, safety, etc. This idea is based on Marshall Rosenberg's non-violent communication.
When we have a feeling, underneath it is a need in our life. It is usually something you value. If you are feeling happy it is because your need for connection or adventure is being met. If you feel angry, it might be because your need for justice or understanding is not being met. One goal in communicating is to be able to slow down to talk about underlying needs. Nonviolent communication is a theory of communication by Marshal Rosenberg If you want to learn more, you can check out his book called Nonviolent Communication. Check it our for some more techniques used in nonviolent communication. It is important to recognize though that people are complex human beings and may have multiple emotion and multiple needs at the same time. Steps to identifying your needs beneath emotions:
Example of needs include: shelter, protection, understanding, being heard, solitude, rest. You can find a longer list of needs here. Tips & Take-Aways from Jackie Schuld
Working with Jackie Schuld:
If your want to work with Jackie or if you just want to check out her free resources on nonviolent communication, check out her website at www.jackieschuld.com .
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!
Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun. There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz has offices in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and Fallon, Nevada, and also provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
Very few people actually want advice when they are coming to you with a problem! In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews Lisa Ligouri on the benefits of sharing personal experiences versus problem solving or advice giving in personal relationships.
IN THIS PODCAST
Introduction to Lisa Liguori
Lisa Ligouri is passionate about facilitating communication and connection with (and for) those around her. Though she has been helping companies flourish as a venture capital investor for over 20 years, her deepest passion is leading peer groups. In these groups, individuals share their life experiences with one another to combat isolation and accelerate their personal growth.
She is also the host of Advice Column Podcast (a podcast that also uses experience-sharing to empower people). Lisa is empowering people to build authentic connection with others and to gain wisdom through sharing. She has worked to promote experience-sharing in a variety of settings. She has practiced this in business settings, with her family, and in peer-groups where they used the experience sharing format. She has also used the same format in her marriage to improve her relationship with her husband. In each of these settings, when she started to practice reflective listening and experiencing sharing, the emotional safety in the relationship increased. Why it's better to share experiences than give advice:
Often times people get annoyed when you give them suggestions and start problem solving their situation. This is because most people are seeking understanding, validation, and to know they aren't alone in their experience.
When you give advice, it often creates distance with people because it creates inequality by suggesting you know better than they do--and it also create inequality in emotional vulnerability. In contrast, experience sharing puts you both as equals and as vulnerable together--something that leads to more emotional connection. Shared vulnerability builds trust." - Lisa Ligouri How to practice sharing personal experiences:
To practice Experience Sharing:
The types of communication that facilitate meaningful connection:
Vulnerability is really important for feeling connected in relationships. It builds trust. Even though you may want to hold your vulnerable feelings inside, when you share vulnerably you often have a higher quality conversation, feel more connected, and take steps to make the relationship stronger.
It's common for couples--especially when their is distance from work trips or deployments--to have insecurities. For example, many people worry that their spouse wont love them anymore or will no longer be physically attracted to them once they return home. These types of insecurities can be hard to share with your partner; and when you can share them in an "I statement" format and in a vulnerable way, it has the potential to lead to deeper conversation and feeling of connection for your both. How Lisa learned to share her experiences:
When sharing doesn't feel safe:
Evaluating the safety of the relationship is important when it comes to sharing experiences. You might start with dipping your toes into the vulnerability and see if it is safe to continue being vulnerable.
A way to see if someone is safe to be vulnerable with is to try sharing something that is just a little vulnerable, and then see if they match your vulnerability by sharing in return. Do they meet you in the vulnerable space? Are they on the same path and willing to try to engage in the same way? Big feelings of connection come when someone is willing to engage and meet you in the vulnerable places. The level of depth of sharing from your heart--when someone joins you there is very powerful. At the same time not everyone is willing or open or able to do that. So it is often wise to tread carefully and not bear your soul to everyone. 
Tips for military couples:
Active duty service members are gone a lot. There is a difficulty in being separated from your spouse, but also being separated from family and friends when you move every few years. Sharing personal experiences can be a tool for developing meaningful friendships for military couples who are moving to a new place, feeling isolated, as well as improve thing connection in the relationship.
One of the things they use in the experience sharing peer groups is a tool called the 5%. They bring the 5% best and worst parts of life that they don't share with the general public. This helps take the conversation to a depth that is significant--versus just staying on the surface with easy stuff. Trust and confidentiality is a significant part of these groups. So when making friends, drop down into some vulnerability to take the conversation to a deeper level. You can test the waters to see if someone will match your vulnerability. You want to goo slowly to test if the trust and confidentiality is developing between you in the new relationship. As with any skill, learning a skill in communication takes time" --Lisa Ligouri Learn more about working with Lisa:
Lisa's number one tip is to ask your spouse if they are up for trying this, even once a week. You can also download her free worksheet on 5 Pitfalls to Avoid when Giving Advice here.
If you are interested in learning more about Lisa or working with her, you can find her the following ways:
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!
Liz's Useful Links:
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz has offices in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and Fallon, Nevada, and also provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
Is premarital counseling even helpful? This is what we cover in the twelfth and final episode of the Getting Ready for Marriage series. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews Erica Callicutt, or Reverend Calli, on the benefits of premarital counseling.
IN THIS PODCAST
Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage?
I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!
Introduction to Reverend Calli
Liz's personal experience with premarital counseling
My husband and I used military one source for our permarital counseling. Military OneSource a free resource that is provided to Military families where they can get 12 sessions of free counseling a year. And so we did that for premarital counseling and we had a really horrible experience, which is so unfortunate. I think especially for military couples, Military OneSource is pushed as your resource for counseling and premarital counseling. We were pretty appalled though. The person really didn't work with couples; they worked with foster kids. They never even asked us if we had any concerns about our relationship. Then the moment I brought it up the concerns I had about getting married, the counselor said, "oh, I can't help you" then fired us as a couple. I was not happy with the quality of services I got with Military OneSource, but I also know I have a strong bias against it because we had a negative experience. I'm sure other people have more positive experiences.But part of what I wanted people to know for this episode, are that there are better options out there. So I'm glad we're going to talk about premarital counseling.
Have a sense of expectation... if you don't know what you are looking for, then you may be easily disappointed" -- Rev. Calli. Questions to discuss with your partner beforehand
People should have expectations of who they are working with and they should have high standards. And it's ok if you don't click with the person..find someone else" -- Elizabeth Polinsky Benefits to premarital counseling
If you allow yourself to be open to the process, there can be a lot of benefits.
We have to start with listening. With listening come empathy." -- Reverend Calli Process of premarital counseling
Signs of a good therapist or premarital counselor
Differences between working with a pastor vs. a therapist
Places to look for a premarital counseling
Working with Reverend Calli
You can work with Reverend Calli for premarital counseling or wedding services.
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!
Liz's Useful Links:
Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun. There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. At the time of this recording, Liz travels between offices in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and Fallon, Nevada. She provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
Are you building the habits you want to build in your relationship? This is the eleventh episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses ways to develop healthy relationship habits.
IN THIS PODACST
Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage?
I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!
A healthy habit I didn't realize I had until...
Welcome back to the communicate and connect podcast! We have been doing a series on getting ready for marriage and this is gonna be one of the last episodes in this series. We have one more for the series after this, which is gonna be an interview that I do with Reverend Cali on premarital counseling. But this is the last content one on this topic. Way to stick in there! If you've listened to all of them, I would love to know it! Find me on social media or tag me and tell me if you've listened to all of these episodes on getting ready for marriage.
If you have thoughts or questions about things that you want to see covered in this podcast please go to www.communicateandconnectpodcast.com. There is a form on the website for you to submit questions or ideas or things that you want covered. So for the last one, we're really talking about habits; and this is because everything that we've covered so far in this series is about skills. And skills are things that can be learned. You usually have to use skills intentionally but eventually you want them to become habit. I was thinking about habits recently when I was remembering a weekend trip that my husband and I went on with some friends a few months ago. On this trip, somebody was telling me a traumatic story from their life and was sharing it with everybody. I just sat there. I was so angry about what they had gone through that I didn't even know what to do with the anger. And I just said, "I feel so angry" and I just sat there and I said it a few times. I said, "I am so angry right now, I'm just so angry". Somebody who was in the group with us, our friend, he was really impressed by my ability to just state my feelings and sit there and and say what I was feeling without somehow reacting in some bigger way. I'll say for me, I didn't even realize that I was doing this because it's so ingrained in me. This is probably because I am a marriage counselor and I've been practicing therapy for a long time. This is part of the skill set that they trained therapists in, but I didn't even realize I was doing it because it was so ingrained. That is really what we want to happen when we're thinking about skills for a relationship. You have to implement a skill, and implement the skill on a regular basis over and over and over again--to where that becomes part of he culture of the marriage and the culture of the relationship. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit" -– Will Durant, american writer The difference between a habit and a routine
You want a skill to become ingrained to where it's so ingrained you're not even thinking about it. This reminds me of a quote that I saw by Will Durant, an american writer, who said, "we are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit". I think that applies to marriages as well.
Our marriages are what we repeatedly do to make our marriages that way. So forming habits is about doing the skills so many times that it becomes muscle memory. It's different than a routine. A routine is something that sometimes still has to have some intentionality. So for example for me working out; I have to be really intentional about working out. I go through phases where I will be really great about working out and I'll have a health kick. My health kick lasts maybe six months, maybe a year, and then it stops and I just am no longer on the health kick. That is a way that I know it's not really a habit. It was part of a routine that I had to intentionally engage in. But a habit is something that's more on autopilot. Sort of like when you drive and you are so used to driving one way that you go in that direction and you don't even think about it even though you needed to go in the opposite direction. That is a habit that is on autopilot, and that's where we want these relationship skills to be, How to build a habit
So how do you form a habit?
Some habits don't take that long to form. They maybe take a month. And other habits take several months to form. Some things are easier to build into habits than others, and then other things are more challenging and take longer. 
Healthy relationship habits worth building
What are some habits that you could work on to improve your marriage? Here are some that I came up with off the top of my head. You can go back through any of the episodes in this series that we've covered. Pick one of those skills you want to be the habit you're gonna try to develop.
Some examples for you for this episode: "I feel" is a really lovely habit to develop for your communication in a marriage but also for your own ability to regulate your own emotions. There's a lot of research that shows that just identifying my own emotions helps helps regulate it. By that I mean, it helps your feelings not be so overwhelming. Identifying your feelings is a way of coping with my feelings. So both on an individual level, just for yourself, but also in your relationship, if you can start identifying your emotions and just making statements of, "I feel XYZ emotion", "I feel angry", "I feel sad", "I feel disappointed", "I feel anxious", "I feel afraid", "I feel jealous", "I feel hungry", "I feel tired"....... all of these feelings that you can have. Just getting into the habit of identifying how you feel, naming how you feel, and sharing how you feel and stating it in the phrase: "I feel this". That's a lovely habit to form for yourself, but also for your relationship. On the relationship side, that makes it more about you less about your partner. Then it doesn't come off critical or attacking. For example, if my partner decided they wanted to go do something with a friend and so they were no longer gonna come do whatever they said they were going to do with me. Or if I thought we were going to do something and then I find out they were he was going to do something with a friend, I might say: "I feel disappointed". That is a fact about how I feel. That's perfectly fine for me to say, and it makes it about me instead of saying "oh you you shouldn't go do this thing with your friend, you clearly don't care, you never think about me." Those would be statements that would put a partner on defense, that they would start feeling attacked and it and it kind of shuts the communication down. Versus saying "oh I feel a little disappointed, I wanted to go do this with you", that changes the whole dynamic of the conversation. Another habit is turning your attention to your partner when they talk. This one is hard to break. Our society is so into multitasking and the research says that none of us are any good at it, but we all try. I try also; I love to attempt to multitask and then I totally miss whatever my partner said to me. So trying when we're talking together, turning my attention to my partner and not multitasking--setting my phone down, pausing the tv, not reading the mail--and instead turning my body towards my partner, looking at my partner as they're talking, and focusing my attention on them when they talk. This is a habit that can be cultivated just like the other habits. Another habit could be habits that you do together in your relationship. For example, maybe going on a walk in the morning or going on a walk after dinner together. This is really helpful if you have dogs that have to be walked! It could be considered a routine, but you could do it so often that it becomes a habit as a way of reconnecting together. Even if it's 10 minutes a day we have this moment where we're gonna be together and where we can talk and share and reorient ourselves to our life together. You could also do something similar like cuddling right before bed. This is something that my husband and I have referred to as "couple cuddle talk time". That's just our fun phrase for for where we have this time that we're going to just be together and and reconnect before bed, versus being on our phones or going to bed at different times. Or one of us falling asleep on the couch or something like that! It helps us to feel more together in the relationship. Ultimately there are lots of different habits that you could do but these are just a few to get you started on thinking about some options. Ways you can build up healthy relationship habits
I mentioned this in the last episode and I'm recording these on the same day, so maybe that's why I'm thinking about it still, but how do you develop something into a habit? And how do you learn the skills for your marriage to succeed? And I know in the last episode I went through options like workshops, doing intensives, listening to podcasts and books. You could do a marriage meeting if you just wanted to do it yourselves, and you could do the monthly marriage meetings. (See the episode on marriage meetings).
So much of these do require a lot of repetition. It takes so much repetition to get these skills into my body, into my muscle memory, so that way they really are a habit and don't require so much thought anymore. This is really what Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy does. This is the type of therapy that I do. I am a Certified Emotionally Focused Couple Therapist. And there are other other therapists who do Emotionally Focused Therapy and they are come in all various stages of training--whether they're just starting to learn how to do EFT Or if they're certified like I am. But really what we do in EFT Couple therapy is we are helping couples develop the skills into habits that way they have long term success. This is because it really is not enough to just learn a skill if then I go home and I don't do it; or if I learned how to do it and we started to do the skill together but then three months from now, or six months from now, we're no longer using the skills. What needs to happen is that we're doing it so often that it just becomes a second nature, and that really is one of the goals for Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. Specifically the skills that we try to help couples develop into habits in EFT include noticing and identifying feelings, sharing fears with each other (especially the fears and insecurities that we have), and developing active listening and empathy. Those are the skills that we work on developing into muscle memory. There are other types of couples therapy but I always recommend working with somebody who's trained in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy or who is licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist and has specific training in marriage and family therapy. You really really don't want somebody who's just dabbling. You want somebody who this is what they do. Anyway I'll get off my soapbox now. These are skills that we often help couples develop in EFT Couples counseling; and these are a lot of the skills that I would suggest working on developing into habits as part of getting ready for marriage or setting up your marriage at the beginning stages in order to set it up for success long term. 
Action Item
So your action item for this episode is to pick one habit that you want to form in your relationship and make a plan to practice it. You can go back and listen to the other episodes in this series on getting ready for marriage if you need ideas on which habits to start working on. Or you can just pick one that got covered in this episode if you want. Or if there's something else that you've been thinking about, you could pick that. Just pick one that you think is going to be the most helpful and start making a plan on how to practice it and form it into a habit. If you pick one, I would love to hear about it! You can find me on social media, you can tag me, you can send me a message through the website,--tell me what you picked, what you're practicing, and how you're going to practice it. I'd love to hear about it. So pick one, make a plan, and then tell me about it.
Alright, have a great day. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If so please take a second to go rate review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. You can also sign up for my free 10-week relationship email course. This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away. Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!
Liz's Useful Links:
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz has offices in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and Fallon, Nevada, and also provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
Are you a team even when you are fighting? This is the tenth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses relationship communication skills.
IN THIS PODCAST
Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage?
I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!
When you don't use relationship communication skills...
As I was prepping for this episode, I was thinking about how there are these times with my husband where I can really zone out and get lost in my own thoughts. I'm sure plenty of you can relate; this is such a human thing to do! Most people will zone out and get lost in their thoughts at some point. But there are also times where this happens where my husband is directly talking to me and I'll even respond to him and say "yea", but then I actually don't have a clue what he just told me. I don't remember what he said. In those moments, and this happened kind of recently, I have taken the route of just trying to be very honest that I zoned out. Then I ask him if he can repeat what he just said. It's not always fun. I don't feel super awesome about myself in those moments. That's not really a fun thing to admit and tell your partner, but I'm really glad that I do because it allows us to come back to that conversation and repair. There are times where my husband does this also. There are times where I have to ask him to refocus his attention or ask him if he did hear what I said. Again this is pretty normal for people to do at times and those are time points where it's possible for a fight to start. I think that is a moment in pretty much every couple of relationship where a fight could start because one partner could say, "why aren't you paying attention to me? Put put your phone down. I can't believe you weren't paying attention. Why did you say yes to my question when you didn't even hear me?!" See? That is a moment where there could be a fight. So what is it that you do? What communication skills should you use in moments where you could have a fight? That is what we're going to talk about today.
So in getting ready for marriage, or if you're newly married, one of the main things that will be helpful getting started out is to learn communication skills. These are skills that you can learn that you can practice over and over and over again. It may feel awkward, especially at the beginning while you're learning them, but then as you do it, it becomes more natural. The skills that I think are pretty important for learning at the very beginning would be active listening skills, empathy, negotiating, and conflict resolution. So let's talk about each of those four for real fast. 
So often I see issues with communication and couples happen because they didn't get clarity about what was meant in the message to begin with." -- Elizabeth Polinsky Active listening skills for your relationship.
I might disagree with a rationale behind something, but I cannot disagree with a feeling because the feeling is the fact." -- Elizabeth Polinsky Finding empathy and expressing it in relationships.
Another set of skills that I think is really important to learn at the beginning of a marriage is finding your empathy! We all need to know that our partners care about how we feel and care about what we're going through and our life experiences. Some people are naturally stronger at this than others.
When people get stuck in negotiation, it's because there is a deeper conversation going on." -- Elizabeth Polinsky Negotiations skills in relationships.
The third set of skills is around negotiating. We've covered this a little bit in this podcast already; you can go back to episode 26 which is on decision making and relationships. That is a big component of negotiating.
Conflict resolution in relationships.
The last skill is conflict resolution. John and Julie Gottman, they're both doctors and I think they're psychologists if I'm remembering correctly, they are over at the Gottman Institute. They do a ton of research on couples. One of the things that they found in their research was that the repair is always the most important part. You can't really avoid conflict; you can resolve conflict by using active listening skills, empathizing with each other, and negotiating. All these skills help to resolve conflict, but you can't avoid conflict. When you do sweep it under the rug, it tends to keep coming back up. So you can use all the skills that we've talked about so far in this episode towards conflict resolution, but it's that repair that is important. It's the making sure you and I are okay; that there is a resolution where we're on the same team and on the same page again. That is the most important part for the sustainability of couple relationships.
Ways to learn relationship communication skills.
So if you are engaged, about to get married, or you're newly married--and you want to figure out how to learn a lot of these relationship communication skills--here are ways that you can do that.
Action Item for Communicate & Connect Episode 30: Relationship Communication Skills
If you were to do one thing ,or take away one thing from today, what I would want you to go home and try is to try to start reflecting back what you hear your partner saying. Use that as a way to start developing your active listening and your empathy skills. So it's not it's not a huge task here, it's just repeat back. "Okay, thank you for sharing. I heard you say this, I heard you say xyz. Did I understand that correctly?" That's all you gotta do. So if you do this challenge, please post about it or send me a message or tag me on social media. I want to know how it goes.
Alright, have a great day. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If so please take a second to go rate review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. You can also sign up for my free 10-week relationship email course. This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away. Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!
Liz's Useful Links:
Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun. There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. At the time of this recording, Liz travels between offices in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and Fallon, Nevada. She provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential. Are you a team even when you are fighting? This is the ninth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of fighting fair in relationships. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage?
I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!
An example of dirty fighting.
Hey, everyone welcome back to the communicate and connect podcast. This is Episode 29 on how to fight fair in relationships. So today is all about how to fight fair in relationships and I am thinking right now about a fight that I witnessed about a year ago. There was a couple where it was a guy who was bringing up a concern that he had. I can't remember what their fight was about, but I remember the female partner responded and just said, "well if you don't like it then you can leave". And I was thinking to myself, "okay, I don't really like how their fight is going".
It doesn't feel like a very fair fight to say "whatever you don't like, if you don't like it, you can just leave". There's no room for negotiation in that. In the above example, the woman didn't even hear what his concerns were. And so today I figured let's talk about how to fight fair in relationships. This is probably something that's pretty important as you're starting out your marriage because you want to build up a habit of trying to fight fair. This way you don't build up these like really negative fighting habits that then later on have to then try to fix and repair. Let's just try to get it down from the beginning. So we'll talk a little bit about like some qualities that are related to fighting poorly, and what are some things that are qualities of fighting well and fighting fairly, and then I'll give you some of my tips for how you could do this. 
Qualities of dirty fighting.
Qualities of a bad fight, or fighting in an unfair way include:
Qualities of fair fighting.
Make a claim about what you want instead of blaming your partner, it's a claim not to blame" Tips to fight fair in relationships.
Action Items for Communicate & Connect Episode 29: How to Fight Fair in Relationships
So my action item for everyone today is to practice DEAR in at least one conversation. I would practice an easy one. You know when I teach this to people in therapy, I often tell them to start by asking for salt because that's really easy. "I noticed the salt is over there (Describe). I would really like the salt (Express). Could you pass it? (Assert) That would make me really happy. (reinforce)" That's such an easy way. You just wanna start practicing the template/ format of using DEAR and then that'll make it easier and easier to use in more difficult conversations. So find one thing (not the biggest, most painful topic in your relationship!) that you could use to make a request of your partner. Use DEAR as the format for that conversation and then let me know how it goes.
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!
Liz's Useful Links:
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential. Do you and your partner know each other's raw spots and emotional triggers? This is the eighth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of identifying your emotional triggers in relationships. IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage
I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!
A Personal Example of an Emotional Trigger
Hey, everyone welcome back to the communicate and connect podcast. This is episode 28 on emotional triggers in relationships. So I'm pretty glad that we're going to talk about emotional triggers in relationships because we all have them and being aware of kind of where the landmines are in a relationship is generally a good idea. So I'll start with a story about myself because I find that examples tend to be very helpful for people when we're talking about these things. So for example, I have a raw spot that triggers me and that is when my husband laughs at me. That comes from my childhood, I can trace the roots of that raw spot back to my childhood when I was more overweight.
I don't know if I would really say overweight; I developed into womanhood earlier than my peers. And so I had a more adult body than my peers did at the time and I did feel kind of like an outcast because of that. People would make fun of me and they would laugh at me. And so that is a very humiliating feeling, that is a trigger now for me. So if I'm like playing around with my husband or I'm doing something or I say something to him and he starts laughing at me, I immediately go into why are you making fun of me? Are you making fun of me? How can my person, who I love, be making fun of me? And it does, it's a big trigger for me emotionally And every time I ask him, I say why are you laughing at me or why are you making fun of me, and he says, "I'm not making fun of you, I think you're cute" and that is always his response to me. It is sweet when I can remove myself from how I feel emotionally triggered, he is feeling sweet emotions towards me which is nice to think about you know that he's feeling sweet emotions towards me that he finds me cute. I mean, I do like that, but his expression of it by laughing and chuckling like he does is triggering for me. So this I think is a great example of how we have emotional triggers that come from somewhere in our past that our partner could be doing something with positive intentions and it could still be an emotional raw spot--an emotional trigger--and bring up a lot of painful emotions. And again these are often like landmines. So my husband and I have worked through this already in our marriage and I still sometimes get triggered by it, but we have the same discussion each time and it's not as painful now as it was towards the beginning. Oftentimes the partner is not doing anything wrong. They're not doing anything wrong, they're just being themselves and something happened to trigger the pain template." -- Elizabeth Polinsky Understanding Emotional Raw Spots and Emotional Triggers
I got myself a little off track here but let me get back on track. So we all have emotional raw spots and they get bumped up against in marriage. And when that happens, we do get emotionally triggered and it brings up a kind of a mental template in my mind.
When we go through painful emotional experiences, our mind stores that memory and our bodies store that memory, and in that memory are the emotions that I had with that memory. And so the memory comes up. It's not just a memory, it's also a memory plus all of the emotions that I felt at the time. And so then something in modern day or current day happens in your relationship. Something happens that feels very similar to what happened in the past. It brings up all of the emotions, not just from that moment in time, the current moment in time, but it brings up the emotions from when that has happened in the past as well. So now we have lots of painful emotions happening, and it is very painful when raw spots get triggered. And in relationships, it's hard because if I don't know that my partner has a raw spot, I don't know to avoid it. I don't know why they're hurt. Like I could see like if I put myself in my husband's shoes and I'm laughing because I think my wife is cute and then she gets really mad and blows up at me for making fun of her. I'm going to feel kind of lost as to what on earth is going on. But if he knows that that's a raw spot for me, and if I can communicate that to him in the moment, then that helps him know for the future. But it also helps him be able to comfort me and help us have a different experience of where we can become closer versus becoming more distant as a result. Often times when raw spots get hit, people either blame their partners for hurting them or they kind of shut down and go away and distance from their partners. It's extra challenging because oftentimes the partner is not doing anything wrong. They're not doing anything wrong, they're just being themselves and something happened to trigger the pain template inside of me--or inside of you in this case. So they're really not the cause of the pain, they just happened to be the trigger at that time. The goal is to be able to express the pain that gets triggered and then be able to comfort each other when that happens. 
Navigating Emotional Triggers in Relationships Like a Pro
I like to use this metaphor of dancing, you know, couple relationships are a lot like dancing. I do dance, some of you probably already know that. I started with like swing dancing, lindy hop, balboa, charleston--all of that stuff. I met my husband through west coast swing. Recently, I've been getting really into kizomba dancing; it's just so much fun! But when you dance with somebody, it's really common to step on each other's toes. Just the other week, I was dancing with somebody and I kind of tripped and I had high heels on. And my heel, like I jammed it into the dude's foot, and I felt so horrible, I was like, "oh my God, I did not mean to like, put all of my weight through my heel into your foot!". Like ouch, that's gotta hurt. But these types of things do happen when you dance, and the goal is to see, okay, how can we recover in this moment and keep on dancing together?
And that's also what we want to happen with emotional raw spots. So you guys are interacting together, you and your partner, and somehow they bump into or step on your toes or do something that triggers an emotional raw spot for you. It does hurt. Of course it hurts, and it also comes along with dancing together and being in a relationship together. There's no way, there's no way to avoid raw spots altogether. The most important part, instead of, you know, as you get used to dancing together, you probably step on each other's toes less and less because you become more in sync. So basically the goal is that I can't, you know, it's not possible for me to never step on my partner's toes, and to never bump into them, and to never hit a raw spot or an emotional trigger for them. That is just unrealistic if we want to interact together. If we want to dance together it's going to happen and it does happen less and less as we get used to each other, get used to the triggers, get used to interacting together, dancing together--but it'll still happen. When it happens, the goal is to recover. The way that couples recover is through comforting each other when triggers comes up, when the pain comes up. So that is the ultimate goal for couples. If that feels like a challenge, you could go to couples counseling, they can help you figure out how to do that. Examples of Emotional Triggers and Emotional Raw Spots
But let's just talk about the beginning of the marriage because this series is on getting ready for marriage and the foundational tips to help you get started. And so it can be really helpful if you can identify some of your raw spots at the beginning of the relationship, and if your partner can identify some of their raw spots at the beginning of the relationship. That is gonna be awesome.
It's always better to know this is a really painful spot ahead of time. It's nice to know that and not find it out later. So some examples of raw spots are:
I covered the raw spot of excluded in the last episode when I talked about my trip with my husband to this cabin with some friends. He got into a hot tub and he like didn't invite me and I felt excluded. That feeling of exclusion has to do also from stuff from my childhood that is a template that came up for me. So that is another example that is slightly different than the first one if that's helpful for you. But okay, so we've got rejection, betrayal, loss of control, feeling excluded, feeling unwanted. Also feeling too needed to where you might feel smothered and like you don't have your own room. That could also involve kind of feeling trapped--like you don't have your own independence. These are feelings that are common feelings for people when they have a raw spot that got triggered. It's better to repair than try to avoid... the antidote to the pain is comfort from your partner; it's not avoiding it." -- Elizabeth Polinsky Identifying Emotional Triggers
And you want to see if you can maybe think about your most recent fight and kind of get curious about it. See if you can connect it to your past life events. So, some good questions to ask yourself would be:
If so then, it's probably an even bigger raw spot because there are more memories and painful emotions encoded in that mental template. You want to be able to share these with your partner so that way they can be aware. They can try to avoid it, but they're not going to get that perfect. And ultimately it's better to tell them when you do get triggered and ask them for comfort. They can help comfort you and help you with the pain of that so you guys can get back in sync and keep dancing. It's better to repair than try to avoid. And I would I really like, I cannot stress this enough, like the antidote to the pain is comfort from your partner; it's not avoiding it. So, if you have questions about that, feel free to send them in a comment or something on social media. If there are questions, then I can do a live or something that goes a little more in-depth on that. 
Action Item for Communicate & Connect Podcast Episode 28: Emotional Triggers in Relationships
So, your action item for this episode is I want you to see if you can identify just one raw spot, that is a common emotional trigger for you, and share it with your partner. And I think that's gonna help just open up your conversation around emotional raw spots and emotional triggers. All right, have a great day.
Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!
Liz's Useful Links:
Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun. There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
What's your communication stress style? How about you partner's? This is the seventh episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of identifying your communication stress styles in oder to improve your communication.
IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage:
I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here! 2. Recent story about communication styles in my marriage: My husband is about to start workups for deployment and we went on a trip with some friends to Charlottesville Virginia. We had a super great time! There was one night were I was working on some stuff on my computer, and all the sudden I looked up and he was no longer right next to me. It turned out that he had gone out to the hot tub with some of our friends and didn't tell me or invite me. While this may not be a bog deal for everyone, it made me really angry that he didn't invite me. This is because deep down it triggered emotions and thoughts that maybe he didn't want to include me or that I wasn't even a thought to him. These were painful thoughts and emotions for me which then led me to getting really angry and blaming him. And this is partly because blaming is my communication stress style. Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships she or he makes with others and what happens to each in the world.” - Virginia Satir, 1988 The 5 Communication Stress Styles in Relationships
3. The Theory Behind the 5 Communication Stress Styles in Relationships
These styles come from Virginia Satir who was the mother of family therapy. Her whole thing was that communication is what determines the type of the relationships we have! Her basic idea was that we all react to stress and especially threats to our self-esteem. This is what happened in the above example with my husband and the hot tub--it made me feel that I wasn't wanted and wasn't worth thinking about. This is just an example of how something could be a threat to someone's self-esteem. Although the threat, or the painful thoughts and feelings, will vary from person to person. Threats to self-esteem could involve feelings of shame, guilt, rejection, fear, low self-esteem. When there are threats to self-esteem, people react with one of the communication stress styles: blaming, placating, being super-reasonable, or distracting. These are ways that we protect ourselves from threats to self esteem. They are coping skills to try not to feel so insecure. They all relate to the question of "am I going to be accepted or rejected in this relationship? will I be seen as not good enough or unwanted?" They are coping styles for the fear of insecurity or the painful feelings that come up when rejected or unaccepted. Often these are coping skills that people learned in childhood that they get carried on into adulthood. However, they can become a problem in marriages. The final style is called the congruent style which is the one we all want to strive for. [These styles] are like a mask that we wear to try to coverup the feelings of insecurity and to try to not feel so insecure" - Elizabeth Polinsky
4. Communication Style 1: Blaming
5. Communication Style 2: Placating
6. Communication Style 3: Super Reasonable
7. Communication Style 4: Distracting / Irrelevant Style
8. Communication Style 5: The Congruent Communication Style
The above 4 styles are styles that come out when someone is under stress and especially when they have feelings of insecurity that are impacting their self-esteem. You want to know what your stress style is and what your partners stress style is. Virginia Satir and her team of researchers estimated that about 50% of people are placaters, 30% are blamers, 15% are super-reasonable, and 0.5% are distracters. That leaves about 4% of people communicating in the congruent style or the leveler style. The congruent style is what we all want to strive for. In this style, people are not using one of the other 4 styles. Instead, in the congruent style the individuals thoughts, feelings, and behaviors all match and are in-sync. This different than in the other 4 styles because in the other 4 styles the person feels something but is doing or saying something different. In order to be congruent in your communication and have you feelings and behaviors match, you have to be able to feel your feelings. This can be very challenging for people. You have to let yourself feel your feelings, then share them with others in an authentic and straightforward ways. Ultimately we want couples to be able to feel their feelings, and share them in authentic and straightforward ways; especially when they are handling conflict, trying to confide in each other, or when they are trying to solve problems together. " --Elizabeth Polinsky
ACTION STEP:
See if you and your partner can identify you communication stress styles. Just knowing you styles will help you prepare for marriage. Being able to identify them and communicate about them will help you navigate when they come up in marriage. It will make it easier to recognize when it is happening and you both will know that it is stemming from stress and when something it triggering you sense of self-esteem. If you find that you need help woking on communicating in congruent way and changing you stress style of communication, consider working with someone who is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) or who is a Certified Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
References:
Davies, M. (2019, March 21). Four stress communication styles. Medium. Retrieved May 8, 2022, from https://medium.com/@mattdavies.org/four-stress-communication-styles-b804de9f5c6 Gehart, D. R. (2014). Mastering competencies in family therapy. Belmont, CA: Brooks-Cole, Cengage Learning.
Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”. Thanks for listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.
Who gets to decide in your relationship? This is the sixth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of being on the same page with who gets decision making power in the relationship and when.
IN THIS PODCAST
SUMMARY:
MAIN POINTS:
1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage: It’s wedding season now and I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here! 2. Recent story about decision making in my marriage: As you may already know, I am a marriage counselor in Norfolk Virginia, and also provide online counseling in South Carolina, Arkansas, Virginia, and soon to be Nevada. You can find out more about my marriage counseling services at www.ElizabethPolinskyCounseling.com. I have recently been thinking about going counseling retreats and workshops for military couples who aren't able to attend weekly therapy sessions sue to difficulties with their military schedule--whether they have rotating shift schedules, inconsistent schedules, or because they are going through workups or are soon to deploy. In thinking about starting to do workshops and retreats, I wanted to do a training on providing retreats but the cost was $3,000. I wanted to do it, and my husband wanted me to wait. This is where we get into decision making power in relationships and who gets to decide. The question is, do I get to decide this on my own? Or should my husband have a say on my business expenses? Couples face difficult decisions about who has decision making power and when in the relationship. There are no right or wrongs here--just different pros and cons for how you both decide who has decision making power and when" --Elizabeth Polinsky
3. Having fights over power is a common relationship experience.
People have different preferences for whether they or their partner get to make the decision on something--and what things should be joint decisions. The problem is when this hasn't been discussed or agreed on, then it a can great tension when you feel very different than you partner on a topic. Another topic where this comes up a lot is parenting and different parenting styles -- who gets to decide what parenting style you guys will use and how you will discipline the kids? You probably want to be on the same page about this! 
4. The PAIRS Foundation talks about a Powergram:
They have a worksheet that covers 5 different options:
5. Topics to decide on together: It is helpful for couples to go through the Powergram options above or by using the worksheet to decide on the following topics:
Action Steps: Download the PAIRS Powergram here! You and your partner will fill out the worksheet separately and then compare the results together. Use this to talk about where you guys had different opinions so that way you can come to an agreement and be on the same page!
Liz's Useful Links:
Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun. There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”. Thanks for Listening! 
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.
DISCLAIMER: My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential. |
The Communicate & Connect Podcast
In Communicate & Connect For Military Relationships, I provide educational tips for relationships, communication, and navigating military family life. AuthorHey, I'm Elizabeth "Liz" Polinsky and I am a marriage counselor in Virginia Beach. I provide online counseling across the states of VA, SC, AR, and NV. Categories
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The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military RelationshipsA podcast devoted to explaining relationship science so military couples can thrive despite the unique challenges of military life.
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Telephone(757) 354-1157
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liz@communicateandconnectpodcast.com
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