Communicate & Connect Show Notes

Podcast Episode 30: Relationship Communication Skills

9/6/2022

Are you a team even when you are fighting? This is the tenth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses relationship communication skills.

IN THIS PODCAST

Active listening skills for improving your relationship
Finding empathy and expressing it
Negotiation skills in relationships
Tips for conflict resolution in relationships
Ways to learn relationship communication skills

Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage?

I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!

When you don't use relationship communication skills...

As I was prepping for this episode, I was thinking about how there are these times with my husband where I can really zone out and get lost in my own thoughts. I'm sure plenty of you can relate; this is such a human thing to do! Most people will zone out and get lost in their thoughts at some point. But there are also times where this happens where my husband is directly talking to me and I'll even respond to him and say "yea", but then I actually don't have a clue what he just told me. I don't remember what he said. In those moments, and this happened kind of recently, I have taken the route of just trying to be very honest that I zoned out. Then I ask him if he can repeat what he just said. It's not always fun. I don't feel super awesome about myself in those moments. That's not really a fun thing to admit and tell your partner, but I'm really glad that I do because it allows us to come back to that conversation and repair. There are times where my husband does this also. There are times where I have to ask him to refocus his attention or ask him if he did hear what I said. Again this is pretty normal for people to do at times and those are time points where it's possible for a fight to start. I think that is a moment in pretty much every couple of relationship where a fight could start because one partner could say, "why aren't you paying attention to me? Put put your phone down. I can't believe you weren't paying attention. Why did you say yes to my question when you didn't even hear me?!" See? That is a moment where there could be a fight. So what is it that you do? What communication skills should you use in moments where you could have a fight? That is what we're going to talk about today.

So in getting ready for marriage, or if you're newly married, one of the main things that will be helpful getting started out is to learn communication skills. These are skills that you can learn that you can practice over and over and over again. It may feel awkward, especially at the beginning while you're learning them, but then as you do it, it becomes more natural. The skills that I think are pretty important for learning at the very beginning would be active listening skills, empathy, negotiating, and conflict resolution. So let's talk about each of those four for real fast.

So often I see issues with communication and couples happen because they didn't get clarity about what was meant in the message to begin with." -- Elizabeth Polinsky

Active listening skills for your relationship.

Active listening skills involve not multitasking. You know most of the time when zone out on my husband and then have to go back and tell him I didn't get anything he just said--I'm usually multitasking during those times. And the times where my husband seems out of it and I ask him if he caught anything I just said--those are usually times where I'm asking him to multitask. Time where his attention is focused elsewhere and then I'm coming and interrupting him. That's usually what happens! But the idea is that multitasking means that we're gonna miss things. None of us are super great at multitasking. And so learning to pause when your partner is talking, redirect your attention ,and not multitask while you guys are interacting is all part of active listening.
Another part of active listening would be to repeat back what you heard your partner say to make sure you understood it correctly. There are times where I'll have couples practice this in my office in couples counseling. I do this because we all feel like we're speaking very clearly but the message is often not getting across to my partner. And my partner is getting a totally different message! So repeating back what you heard gives your partner a chance to correct any misinformation that came up. If you didn't quite get the message, they can clarify it for you and then you guys make sure you're on the same page. Then we can go from there and continue on in the conversation. So often I see issues with communication and couples happen because they didn't get clarity about what was meant in the message to begin with. So repeating back what you heard your partner say and getting clarity is going to be helpful. That's one skill of active listening.
Another skill that you can learn is mindfulness which is really about keeping my attention in place. It's about keeping your attention where you want your attention to be in that moment. This also has to do with not multitasking! So if I can learn to pause and redirect my attention so your attention is fully on my partner in that moment, then you will more likely be able to take in what they're saying and hear the message that they're trying to say. You are also less likely to misinterpret what they're saying. So active listening skills, all of that goes into active listening.

I might disagree with a rationale behind something, but I cannot disagree with a feeling because the feeling is the fact." -- Elizabeth Polinsky

Finding empathy and expressing it in relationships.

Another set of skills that I think is really important to learn at the beginning of a marriage is finding your empathy! We all need to know that our partners care about how we feel and care about what we're going through and our life experiences. Some people are naturally stronger at this than others.

One way to develop empathy is to get really curious about your partner's experience. Ask them questions. Ask them what they feel, what they think, what is making them think or feel the way that they think or feel. How are they making sense of what they're going through in life?
You can also start building up empathy by becoming more aware of your own thoughts and feelings. The more empathy I can develop for myself then it's often easier to also develop empathy for other people. Part of developing empathy is also letting go of judgment and judgmentalness. So one of my favorite sayings is that "feelings are a fact". Oftentimes I'll hear couples say, "well I disagree?". And I'll ask them like what is it that they disagree about because there is no way to disagree with how my partner is feeling. Their emotional experience is a fact. I might disagree with a rationale behind something, but I cannot disagree with a feeling because the feeling is the fact. So developing that curiosity about their emotional experience helps me understand how you feel this way. It can also help me understand what it is that you're feeling. When I understand that, it can help build up empathy.
You can also think about trying to imagine what it would be like for you. It's sort of like being in your partner's shoes. Imagining what it would be like to feel what your partner is feeling can also help build up a sense of empathy.

When people get stuck in negotiation, it's because there is a deeper conversation going on." -- Elizabeth Polinsky

Negotiations skills in relationships.

The third set of skills is around negotiating. We've covered this a little bit in this podcast already; you can go back to episode 26 which is on decision making and relationships. That is a big component of negotiating.

Generally you want to try to find a middle ground. Some people do this by thinking about how important the thing is to them versus their partner. That is one way to sort of find a middle ground. For example, if it's really important to you and it's not important to me, then let's go with what you want. Then if something else is really important to me, but you don't really care, then we'll go with what I want. That's one way that people negotiate.
Another way is by taking turns on things. So there are lots of ways to navigate that negotiation, but that is a whole set of skills that you could learn.
When people get stuck in negotiation, it's because there is a deeper conversation going on. So let's say something matters a lot to both of us and it's really hard to find a middle ground. What do you do in those moments? There's usually a deeper emotional meaning around what I want versus what you want. Maybe you think that your partner doesn't care about what you want so then it's this extra emotional stacking point. I can't really negotiate for where we go on vacation if I feel like you don't care. If somebody is feeling like their partner doesn't care, of course they're going to hold on to want they want for vacation as proof that the partner cares. Then there is something else that needs to be worked on before you guys can really negotiate where to go on vacation. "Do you care?" is often a common one that comes up in those points where it's really hard to negotiate. Another one that comes up is, "are we equal?" If one partner feels like they do all the chores and then their partner asks them to do another chore, they might say no because the overall relationship doesn't feel equal. They're stuck in negotiation because there's this deeper conversation going on about "are we equal? Is there fairness and justice in the relationship?" That has to get addressed first before you can really negotiate about the task. So clearing out kind of the deeper emotional struggles helps make negotiating easier. If that's where you find yourself struggling, then a couples counselor is going to be what will be helpful for working on the deeper emotional struggles.

Conflict resolution in relationships.

The last skill is conflict resolution. John and Julie Gottman, they're both doctors and I think they're psychologists if I'm remembering correctly, they are over at the Gottman Institute. They do a ton of research on couples. One of the things that they found in their research was that the repair is always the most important part. You can't really avoid conflict; you can resolve conflict by using active listening skills, empathizing with each other, and negotiating. All these skills help to resolve conflict, but you can't avoid conflict. When you do sweep it under the rug, it tends to keep coming back up. So you can use all the skills that we've talked about so far in this episode towards conflict resolution, but it's that repair that is important. It's the making sure you and I are okay; that there is a resolution where we're on the same team and on the same page again. That is the most important part for the sustainability of couple relationships.

Ways to learn relationship communication skills.

So if you are engaged, about to get married, or you're newly married--and you want to figure out how to learn a lot of these relationship communication skills--here are ways that you can do that.

Couples Counseling. So obviously I'm a couples counselor. I think couples counseling is the best thing ever. It's my jam. So you could do couples counseling, and you can learn these skills with a couples counselor. But there are also options for you outside of couples counseling if that either doesn't work for your schedule or if your partner is not open to going to counseling. There are a variety of reasons why counseling might not be a good fit for you, or a good fit for you at a certain time in your life.
Workshops. So other options would be workshops. There are a lot of different types of couple workshops out there. Some of them are specific for like marriage preparation workshops. The one I really like is called Hold Me Tight Workshop although there are other ones such are Prepare/Enrich and The Gottman Method. If you are interested in attending a couple workshop, check out the upcoming events, workshops, and retreats hosted by The Communicate & Connect Podcast.
You could also do a relationship intensive. So this is something I started offering in my counseling practice. I do them for normal couples counseling as well, but for pre-marital and newlywed couples counseling I offer one-day premarital intensives. This is especially helpful when people are working on getting ready for a wedding and a honeymoon. There's all this planning and all the time it takes to plan. It's stressful and so the premarital counseling doesn't have to be stressful. For those who are unfamiliar with intensive, an intensive are where you go work with a couples counselor for a full day or a full two days depending on what you need. You knock out six hours of therapy in a day. It's very intensive but it's also fun to do it all at once. I really like them. I like them for regular couples intensive therapy work as well as for pre-marital work. It's a lot of the same skills that you can learn with your regular weekly counselor but you knock out all your premarital counseling out in a day.
There are also relationship retreats. (Check out our events page for upcoming retreats.) If you wanted something more like a vacation, then a retreat might be for you. Workshops are something you might travel to that's either in your city or in a town nearby. But if you wanted more of a vacation feel, or a destination travel location where you work on learning skills there, then relationship retreats are a great option.
There are books and podcasts. Like this podcast! Whether you listen to an audio book or podcast, that these are another way of going about building up your relationship communication skills. In regards to books, check out my list of recommended resources to get all my favorite books for couples.

Action Item for Communicate & Connect Episode 30: Relationship Communication Skills

If you were to do one thing ,or take away one thing from today, what I would want you to go home and try is to try to start reflecting back what you hear your partner saying. Use that as a way to start developing your active listening and your empathy skills. So it's not it's not a huge task here, it's just repeat back. "Okay, thank you for sharing. I heard you say this, I heard you say xyz. Did I understand that correctly?" That's all you gotta do. So if you do this challenge, please post about it or send me a message or tag me on social media. I want to know how it goes.

Alright, have a great day. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If so please take a second to go rate review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. You can also sign up for my free 10-week relationship email course. This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away.

Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

Liz's Useful Links:

Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun. There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”.

Thanks for Listening!

Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. At the time of this recording, Liz travels between offices in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and Fallon, Nevada. She provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas.

DISCLAIMER:
My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

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Podcast Episode 29: How to Fight Fair in Relationships

8/4/2022

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Are you a team even when you are fighting? This is the ninth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of fighting fair in relationships.

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY:

Qualities of fighting dirty in relationships
Qualities of fighting fair in relationships
Tips to fight fair in relationships

Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage?

An example of dirty fighting.

Hey, everyone welcome back to the communicate and connect podcast. This is Episode 29 on how to fight fair in relationships. So today is all about how to fight fair in relationships and I am thinking right now about a fight that I witnessed about a year ago. There was a couple where it was a guy who was bringing up a concern that he had. I can't remember what their fight was about, but I remember the female partner responded and just said, "well if you don't like it then you can leave". And I was thinking to myself, "okay, I don't really like how their fight is going".

It doesn't feel like a very fair fight to say "whatever you don't like, if you don't like it, you can just leave". There's no room for negotiation in that. In the above example, the woman didn't even hear what his concerns were.

And so today I figured let's talk about how to fight fair in relationships. This is probably something that's pretty important as you're starting out your marriage because you want to build up a habit of trying to fight fair. This way you don't build up these like really negative fighting habits that then later on have to then try to fix and repair. Let's just try to get it down from the beginning. So we'll talk a little bit about like some qualities that are related to fighting poorly, and what are some things that are qualities of fighting well and fighting fairly, and then I'll give you some of my tips for how you could do this.

Qualities of dirty fighting.

Qualities of a bad fight, or fighting in an unfair way include:

Generalizations: statements like "you always do this" or "you never do this" or "I'm the one that always has to do this" or "I never get to do this". These sort of big generalizations words--like always, never, etc.--are usually not fighting fairly. They're very rarely ever truly the case that somebody never does something or that you are the only one who always is doing something. So I I would count that in a poor fighting arena.
Criticism: The next one would be being critical, and especially being critical of someone's character such as name calling. So when a fight gets to being critical and name calling--like saying things like "you're lazy" or "you're an invalid". Or insulting someone's intelligence using words like "you're retarded". I hate that word but I've definitely heard couples say that to each other. So things that are critical of someone's character. This isn't just a fight about having a disagreement and needing to problem solve and come to an agreement about something. Somehow it's turned into attacking and tearing your partner down and trying to make them feel bad about themselves. At that point we are really in a bad fight and that is not a fair fight.
Switching Topics: Another thing that's not great is getting off topic and I see that happen so often with couples. Someone brings up a topic, maybe they say "I don't like this", or "I want to do this, I want us to go on on date night on Fridays". Then somehow the conversation gets to a different topic. So let's say one partner says, "I want to go on date nights on Fridays"; and the other partner says, "well, there's no time to go on date nights because I'm the one who always has to do the cleaning and Fridays are the only time to do cleaning. And if you weren't so lazy, then we would have time to clean earlier in the week. Why do you have to be lazy? You never help around the house." Now we we have generalizations that are critical of someone's character and we're also off topic. The couple is no longer talking about date nights. They are talking about chores and cleaning the house. This happens a lot for couples and it's a quality of fighting poorly.
Making Threats: Another quality would be threats, which is what happened in that example where somebody said, "if you don't like it, you can just leave". That is a threat about the relationship. It's not outright, but I have also seen couples outrightly threaten, "I'm going to leave the relationship unless you don't do this". In situations like this, there's no room to fight, or to have a discussion, or to come to an agreement, or negotiate ,or anything. I've also seen people threaten to take kids: "Well, I'm going to take the kids and we're going to leave". That is also not a fair fight.
Not Giving Space: Another thing that is not fair is not giving your partner space or not taking a time out when you both are getting really heated. Some couples have a hard time with taking breaks its because the fight is really stressful. People want to get it resolved, and want to talk it through; but at some point they are both too emotional to have a productive conversation. When people can't take a break to calm down, not taking a break at that point is a quality of poor fighting.
Sweeping Things Under the Rug: And then lastly, is sweeping things under the rug. So let's say that you do have the ability to take a break, but then you don't return back to the discussion in order to resolve it. Then you're just sweeping the problem under the rug and that is also a quality of poor fighting.

Qualities of fair fighting.

Staying on Topic: So number one for me is staying on topic. If someone says a generalization (ex: "that you never do something"), then you are already off topic now because the partner is going to start getting defensive (Ex: saying "well I did it this time and this time and this time"). Then you are not talking about the actual topic at hand. Same thing if you get into name calling or get defensive or give an excuse--these led couples to be off topic as well. So number one in good fights, fair fights, is to stay on topic and address the issue at hand instead of getting swept away into something else.
Be Direct About What you are Looking for From Your Partner: Another quality of fighting fair and fighting well in relationships is being direct about what you're looking for from your partner in response. So if you're bringing up a concern, you should also be direct about what you're wanting from them. Are you wanting acknowledgement? Just that they heard you and acknowledge your concern? Are you asking for something that is a specific change? Do you want them to do a specific behavior in response? Then you want to make that clear that you're bringing up this concern and this is what you hope they are going to do in response to hearing you bring this up. That could be asking for a change. It could be acknowledgement, but it could also be comfort. For example, it could be, "my feelings are really hurt that this happened and I am wanting reassurance and comfort from you". That is a perfectly legitimate and wonderful thing to bring up in a relationship. It's helpful to your partner, keeps you guys on track, and and keeps you in the fair fighting lane when you're clear about what it is you're looking for from your partner.
Talk About the Actual Present Moment Problem: Other things that are qualities of fighting fairly are talking about the actual problem versus talking about the past. Avoid bringing up the past or talking about negative qualities of your partner or personality characteristics you don't like. Talk about the issue that just happened.
Take Breaks as needed to Calm Down: Also taking breaks is a really great thing to do to help you fight fair because again, if both of you are so emotionally overwhelmed, there's no way that you guys can can fight fair. Definitely not if you're like pissed off or enraged on the inside. Take time to calm down and regulate your emotions first in order to stay in a fair fighting spot.
Return Back to the Discussion: If you do take a break or if you find yourself getting off topic, you want to circle back around and return to the topic. This way the actual topic gets addressed instead of sweeping it under the rug.

Make a claim about what you want instead of blaming your partner, it's a claim not to blame"

Tips to fight fair in relationships.

Make a Claim, Not a Blame: So my first one is a quote that I recently heard. I can't remember where I got it, but they were saying "make a claim about what you want instead of blaming your partner, it's a claim not to blame". That's going to be like one of my new favorite quotes.
Use Acronym DEAR: So how can someone make a claim? I really like to use an acronym called DEAR MAN which comes from a type of therapy called dialectical behavioral therapy. It's a skills group. It's group therapy that covers a wide range of different skills and this is one of the skills that gets taught in this therapy group. So it's an acronym; it stands for 1. Describe, 2. Express , 3. Assert, and 4. Reinforce.
- DESCRIBE: The goal is to describe the situation factually without any opinions. For example, a couple of episodes ago I used this example where my husband got into this hot tub with some of our friends and didn't include me or at least that's how I felt. I felt kind of excluded and I realized that a few weeks have gone by between these episodes by the time they're released, but at the time that I'm recording it, it's still kind of fresh. So I'll use this as an example. So in the actual situation I did go into blaming him. I should a have made that into a claim using DEAR. If I had used DEAR, it might sound like: "Okay, I looked up and I realized you weren't there and then I found out you had gone into the hot tub with other people." This would be just describing the facts.
- EXPRESS: Then you want to express your thoughts and feelings about it. For example, I could have said, "That hurt my feelings because I felt excluded." It's factual; it's not blaming; I'm describing how I feel and I'm expressing my thoughts and feelings about it.
- ASSERT: The next step is to assert what I want or what my request is going to be here. And so maybe I'm I could say, "I really want reassurance and comfort that you weren't trying to exclude me". I could make that be my "assert" or I could assert what I want in the future. For example, "I would really like it if in the future you could remember to try to include me in activities". That would be a great assert as well.
- REINFORCE: Then our is reinforce. You want to reinforce the positive thing that will come as a result of somebody giving you what you want or what you're asking for. In certain situations you could always describe the negative consequences, but that is not as great. I would always start with a carrot and not a stick; so you want to start with the positive. For example, "That would, if you did that, that would help me feel better in this relationship and I probably wouldn't gets so frustrated when things like this happen". That would be a positive. There is also a negative version which has some nuance that is probably best discussed with a therapist who's familiar with with DEAR for when do you use a carrot versus a stick. But, for example, I could say: "If you keep excluding me, then I'm no longer gonna come with you on group trips like this because it's not fun for me to feel excluded". That would be a stick, but I would always recommend starting with the carrot: "It would make me feel a lot better and I think we would enjoy our trip more if you could make an intentional effort to include me in things moving forward". And that is how you use DEAR to describe, express, assert, and reinforce.
- So altogether it might sound like:
  - "I looked up and you weren't there and I noticed you went to the hot tub with a bunch of other people. My feelings were hurt because I felt really excluded. Moving forward, I would appreciate it if you could intentionally make an effort to include me in things. That would help me feel better and help us both have a better time on this trip. Are you good with that?"
  - That would be DEAR altogether and would be a claim not a blame. It's a claim of what I want, what I'm looking for, and what I'm asking for. It's to the point and it's on topic. There are no generalizations, there's no criticalness happening here. It's about the problem and it's clear.
- Focus on Hurt Feelings: So this is one of my top tips for having clear request and it also helps if you focus on your hurt feelings. So for example, in Step 2 of Express, I said "my feelings are hurt by this. I felt excluded." I went to my deeper emotion at the time. I was feeling pissed but I was feeling pissed because I was so hurt by feeling excluded. It's totally different thing if I said, "you went to the hot tub without me. I'm really pissed at you. I can't believe you would do that. Don't do that again or else I'm gonna leave". That would be a totally different emotional experience. Technically I used DEAR, but I used DEAR in a super negative way. So you want to focus on the hurt feelings over the anger, and that's going to help that go more smoothly.
- Repair First, Then Problem Solve: And then my final tip is, let's say your partner uses DAER with you and makes a claim about how their feelings were hurt and how they have this concern and they're making this request of you. You want to focus on repairing the hurt feelings, and then problem solving. You have to repair the hurt feelings before you can problem solve. And that might look like, "oh my gosh, I didn't know you felt excluded. That was not my goal." That's lovely validation around the hurt feelings, and then you can negotiate about whether you'll be included or not and how that will go. Remember, you want to repair hurt feelings first and then negotiate. Then after you've had this discussion, whether you're wanting acknowledgement or asking for a change, you want to end with love and care. At the end of the day, while we may need to problem solve, we also need to know that we're connected. We all need to know that we're loved and cared for. So at the end of a fight, one of the things that is really helpful for fighting fair is reconnecting emotionally. It can look a lot of different ways but the goal would be ending in a place where both of you feel loved and cared for.

Action Items for Communicate & Connect Episode 29: How to Fight Fair in Relationships

So my action item for everyone today is to practice DEAR in at least one conversation. I would practice an easy one. You know when I teach this to people in therapy, I often tell them to start by asking for salt because that's really easy. "I noticed the salt is over there (Describe). I would really like the salt (Express). Could you pass it? (Assert) That would make me really happy. (reinforce)" That's such an easy way. You just wanna start practicing the template/ format of using DEAR and then that'll make it easier and easier to use in more difficult conversations. So find one thing (not the biggest, most painful topic in your relationship!) that you could use to make a request of your partner. Use DEAR as the format for that conversation and then let me know how it goes.

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Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”.

Thanks for listening!

Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas.

DISCLAIMER:
My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

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Podcast Episode 28: Emotional Triggers in Relationships

6/13/2022

Do you and your partner know each other's raw spots and emotional triggers? This is the eighth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of identifying your emotional triggers in relationships.

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY:

Understanding emotional triggers in relationships.
Types of emotional triggers in relationships.
Identifying your emotional triggers.
Communicating about emotional triggers in relationships.

Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage

A Personal Example of an Emotional Trigger

Hey, everyone welcome back to the communicate and connect podcast. This is episode 28 on emotional triggers in relationships. So I'm pretty glad that we're going to talk about emotional triggers in relationships because we all have them and being aware of kind of where the landmines are in a relationship is generally a good idea. So I'll start with a story about myself because I find that examples tend to be very helpful for people when we're talking about these things. So for example, I have a raw spot that triggers me and that is when my husband laughs at me. That comes from my childhood, I can trace the roots of that raw spot back to my childhood when I was more overweight.

I don't know if I would really say overweight; I developed into womanhood earlier than my peers. And so I had a more adult body than my peers did at the time and I did feel kind of like an outcast because of that. People would make fun of me and they would laugh at me. And so that is a very humiliating feeling, that is a trigger now for me. So if I'm like playing around with my husband or I'm doing something or I say something to him and he starts laughing at me, I immediately go into why are you making fun of me? Are you making fun of me? How can my person, who I love, be making fun of me? And it does, it's a big trigger for me emotionally And every time I ask him, I say why are you laughing at me or why are you making fun of me, and he says, "I'm not making fun of you, I think you're cute" and that is always his response to me. It is sweet when I can remove myself from how I feel emotionally triggered, he is feeling sweet emotions towards me which is nice to think about you know that he's feeling sweet emotions towards me that he finds me cute. I mean, I do like that, but his expression of it by laughing and chuckling like he does is triggering for me.

So this I think is a great example of how we have emotional triggers that come from somewhere in our past that our partner could be doing something with positive intentions and it could still be an emotional raw spot--an emotional trigger--and bring up a lot of painful emotions. And again these are often like landmines. So my husband and I have worked through this already in our marriage and I still sometimes get triggered by it, but we have the same discussion each time and it's not as painful now as it was towards the beginning.

Oftentimes the partner is not doing anything wrong. They're not doing anything wrong, they're just being themselves and something happened to trigger the pain template." -- Elizabeth Polinsky

Understanding Emotional Raw Spots and Emotional Triggers

I got myself a little off track here but let me get back on track. So we all have emotional raw spots and they get bumped up against in marriage. And when that happens, we do get emotionally triggered and it brings up a kind of a mental template in my mind.

When we go through painful emotional experiences, our mind stores that memory and our bodies store that memory, and in that memory are the emotions that I had with that memory. And so the memory comes up. It's not just a memory, it's also a memory plus all of the emotions that I felt at the time. And so then something in modern day or current day happens in your relationship. Something happens that feels very similar to what happened in the past. It brings up all of the emotions, not just from that moment in time, the current moment in time, but it brings up the emotions from when that has happened in the past as well. So now we have lots of painful emotions happening, and it is very painful when raw spots get triggered.

And in relationships, it's hard because if I don't know that my partner has a raw spot, I don't know to avoid it. I don't know why they're hurt. Like I could see like if I put myself in my husband's shoes and I'm laughing because I think my wife is cute and then she gets really mad and blows up at me for making fun of her. I'm going to feel kind of lost as to what on earth is going on. But if he knows that that's a raw spot for me, and if I can communicate that to him in the moment, then that helps him know for the future. But it also helps him be able to comfort me and help us have a different experience of where we can become closer versus becoming more distant as a result. Often times when raw spots get hit, people either blame their partners for hurting them or they kind of shut down and go away and distance from their partners.
It's extra challenging because oftentimes the partner is not doing anything wrong. They're not doing anything wrong, they're just being themselves and something happened to trigger the pain template inside of me--or inside of you in this case. So they're really not the cause of the pain, they just happened to be the trigger at that time. The goal is to be able to express the pain that gets triggered and then be able to comfort each other when that happens.

Navigating Emotional Triggers in Relationships Like a Pro

I like to use this metaphor of dancing, you know, couple relationships are a lot like dancing. I do dance, some of you probably already know that. I started with like swing dancing, lindy hop, balboa, charleston--all of that stuff. I met my husband through west coast swing. Recently, I've been getting really into kizomba dancing; it's just so much fun! But when you dance with somebody, it's really common to step on each other's toes. Just the other week, I was dancing with somebody and I kind of tripped and I had high heels on. And my heel, like I jammed it into the dude's foot, and I felt so horrible, I was like, "oh my God, I did not mean to like, put all of my weight through my heel into your foot!". Like ouch, that's gotta hurt. But these types of things do happen when you dance, and the goal is to see, okay, how can we recover in this moment and keep on dancing together?

And that's also what we want to happen with emotional raw spots. So you guys are interacting together, you and your partner, and somehow they bump into or step on your toes or do something that triggers an emotional raw spot for you. It does hurt. Of course it hurts, and it also comes along with dancing together and being in a relationship together. There's no way, there's no way to avoid raw spots altogether. The most important part, instead of, you know, as you get used to dancing together, you probably step on each other's toes less and less because you become more in sync. So basically the goal is that I can't, you know, it's not possible for me to never step on my partner's toes, and to never bump into them, and to never hit a raw spot or an emotional trigger for them. That is just unrealistic if we want to interact together. If we want to dance together it's going to happen and it does happen less and less as we get used to each other, get used to the triggers, get used to interacting together, dancing together--but it'll still happen.

When it happens, the goal is to recover. The way that couples recover is through comforting each other when triggers comes up, when the pain comes up. So that is the ultimate goal for couples. If that feels like a challenge, you could go to couples counseling, they can help you figure out how to do that.

Examples of Emotional Triggers and Emotional Raw Spots

But let's just talk about the beginning of the marriage because this series is on getting ready for marriage and the foundational tips to help you get started. And so it can be really helpful if you can identify some of your raw spots at the beginning of the relationship, and if your partner can identify some of their raw spots at the beginning of the relationship. That is gonna be awesome.

It's always better to know this is a really painful spot ahead of time. It's nice to know that and not find it out later. So some examples of raw spots are:

Feelings of being rejected.
Feeling betrayed.
Being afraid of being rejected.
Being afraid of being betrayed
A loss of control.
Feeling excluded.
Feeling trapped.

I covered the raw spot of excluded in the last episode when I talked about my trip with my husband to this cabin with some friends. He got into a hot tub and he like didn't invite me and I felt excluded. That feeling of exclusion has to do also from stuff from my childhood that is a template that came up for me.

So that is another example that is slightly different than the first one if that's helpful for you. But okay, so we've got rejection, betrayal, loss of control, feeling excluded, feeling unwanted. Also feeling too needed to where you might feel smothered and like you don't have your own room. That could also involve kind of feeling trapped--like you don't have your own independence. These are feelings that are common feelings for people when they have a raw spot that got triggered.

It's better to repair than try to avoid... the antidote to the pain is comfort from your partner; it's not avoiding it." -- Elizabeth Polinsky

Identifying Emotional Triggers

And you want to see if you can maybe think about your most recent fight and kind of get curious about it. See if you can connect it to your past life events. So, some good questions to ask yourself would be:

When else have I felt this way before in my life?
Then ask: is there a pattern? Is there a pattern in my life where I felt this at different times?

If so then, it's probably an even bigger raw spot because there are more memories and painful emotions encoded in that mental template. You want to be able to share these with your partner so that way they can be aware. They can try to avoid it, but they're not going to get that perfect. And ultimately it's better to tell them when you do get triggered and ask them for comfort. They can help comfort you and help you with the pain of that so you guys can get back in sync and keep dancing. It's better to repair than try to avoid. And I would I really like, I cannot stress this enough, like the antidote to the pain is comfort from your partner; it's not avoiding it.

So, if you have questions about that, feel free to send them in a comment or something on social media. If there are questions, then I can do a live or something that goes a little more in-depth on that.

Action Item for Communicate & Connect Podcast Episode 28: Emotional Triggers in Relationships

So, your action item for this episode is I want you to see if you can identify just one raw spot, that is a common emotional trigger for you, and share it with your partner. And I think that's gonna help just open up your conversation around emotional raw spots and emotional triggers. All right, have a great day.

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Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas.

DISCLAIMER:
My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

Podcast Episode 27: Communication Styles in Relationships

5/8/2022

What's your communication stress style? How about you partner's? This is the seventh episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of identifying your communication stress styles in oder to improve your communication.

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY:

The 5 Styles of Communication.
How stress changes how we communicate.
Importance of identifying your communication stress style.
The importance of authentic, straightforward, and congruent communication.

1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage:
I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!

2. Recent story about communication styles in my marriage:
My husband is about to start workups for deployment and we went on a trip with some friends to Charlottesville Virginia. We had a super great time! There was one night were I was working on some stuff on my computer, and all the sudden I looked up and he was no longer right next to me. It turned out that he had gone out to the hot tub with some of our friends and didn't tell me or invite me. While this may not be a bog deal for everyone, it made me really angry that he didn't invite me. This is because deep down it triggered emotions and thoughts that maybe he didn't want to include me or that I wasn't even a thought to him. These were painful thoughts and emotions for me which then led me to getting really angry and blaming him. And this is partly because blaming is my communication stress style.

Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships she or he makes with others and what happens to each in the world.” - Virginia Satir, 1988

The 5 Communication Stress Styles in Relationships

3. The Theory Behind the 5 Communication Stress Styles in Relationships
These styles come from Virginia Satir who was the mother of family therapy. Her whole thing was that communication is what determines the type of the relationships we have! Her basic idea was that we all react to stress and especially threats to our self-esteem. This is what happened in the above example with my husband and the hot tub--it made me feel that I wasn't wanted and wasn't worth thinking about.

This is just an example of how something could be a threat to someone's self-esteem. Although the threat, or the painful thoughts and feelings, will vary from person to person. Threats to self-esteem could involve feelings of shame, guilt, rejection, fear, low self-esteem.

When there are threats to self-esteem, people react with one of the communication stress styles: blaming, placating, being super-reasonable, or distracting. These are ways that we protect ourselves from threats to self esteem. They are coping skills to try not to feel so insecure. They all relate to the question of "am I going to be accepted or rejected in this relationship? will I be seen as not good enough or unwanted?" They are coping styles for the fear of insecurity or the painful feelings that come up when rejected or unaccepted. Often these are coping skills that people learned in childhood that they get carried on into adulthood. However, they can become a problem in marriages. The final style is called the congruent style which is the one we all want to strive for.

[These styles] are like a mask that we wear to try to coverup the feelings of insecurity and to try to not feel so insecure" - Elizabeth Polinsky

4. Communication Style 1: Blaming

On the Outside: Blamers tend to be very critical, complain a lot, and tend to find fault in other people. They often don't take responsibility for themselves, what they are doing m feeling, or what they want in relationships.
On the Inside: they are pretty unhappy, feeling lonely and unlovable.
How the Coping Skill Developed: In childhood they felt their needs would not be met by other people and so they coped by blaming, going on the offense, so they will hopefully come meet my needs. This is how they cope with the fear of being unloveable and that their needs won't be met.

5. Communication Style 2: Placating

On the Outside: This is your people pleasers. Often say yes, don't provide alternative options, and avoid conflict at all costs.
On the Inside: They often feel helpless and worthless. That is the threat to self-esteem on the inside for them. This is because their self-esteem, self-value, and self-worth come from other people. They want others to see them as valuable and to want them. So they people please, go along with what others want or what they think others will want, and hold feelings on the inside. This coping skill is to avoid the risk of disapproval. Because of this it is hard for them to express anger. Often times they are working really hard mentally to suppress emotions which can lead to depression.
How the Coping Skill Developed: They grew up with a lot of fear of disapproval in their families. They coped in their families by keeping the peace, going a long, and trying to either not be noticed or not be a problem for anyone. Alternatively, they might try to be the golden child, perfect, being whatever they think others want them to be.

6. Communication Style 3: Super Reasonable

On the Outside: I think of a computer with this style. They are calm, cool, collected, and almost emotionless. They will cite a lot of facts. They really don't like making mistakes or being wrong. They have very good memories for what other's have done wrong. This part is different from the blamer because there is no heat from the anger; instead it is expressed from a more emotionless stance. People might describe this person as cold, not empathetic, and maybe even robotic.
On the Inside: They are very disconnected from their emotions. They are uncomfortable with emotions in general--both their own emotions and other peoples emotions. They might even view emotions as dangerous and something to avoid. So they cope by going to logic. They are often longing for justice and fairness and to be accepted and to be seen as good. There is a fear of being seen as imperfect or lacking or not good enough in some way. They want to know they belong and are loved.
How the Coping Skill Developed: They often grew up in families that conveyed that they weren't good enough. To cope with the feeling of not being good enough or being found as lacking, they tried to become perfect. Similar to people pleasing in that they want to be seen positively; but instead of trying to make people happy, they become very detail oriented and logical to make sure everything is done just right, Then there is no argument for someone to say they did it wrong. That was how they could gain acceptance in their family to prevent rejection.

7. Communication Style 4: Distracting / Irrelevant Style

On the Outside: This is very talkative, all over the place, and erratic. Sometimes they are out of touch with reality. They might avoid eye contact and not respond to questions directly. Instead they might make a joke to change the subject, avoid responding, or randomly change the subject.
On the Inside: They feel distrustful and worried. They often think that if they ignore the problem it will go away. There is a lot of fear about how the person will react if there is a problem. They navigate the conversation away from the problem by either changing their emotional experience or getting them on a different topic.
How the Coping Skill Developed: This is a less common style, but in their families conflict was not a safe thing. So the only way to cope was to avoid problem, try to get the person to focus on something else, or try to get them to not be angry so they could feel safe.

8. Communication Style 5: The Congruent Communication Style
The above 4 styles are styles that come out when someone is under stress and especially when they have feelings of insecurity that are impacting their self-esteem. You want to know what your stress style is and what your partners stress style is.

Virginia Satir and her team of researchers estimated that about 50% of people are placaters, 30% are blamers, 15% are super-reasonable, and 0.5% are distracters. That leaves about 4% of people communicating in the congruent style or the leveler style.

The congruent style is what we all want to strive for. In this style, people are not using one of the other 4 styles. Instead, in the congruent style the individuals thoughts, feelings, and behaviors all match and are in-sync. This different than in the other 4 styles because in the other 4 styles the person feels something but is doing or saying something different.

In order to be congruent in your communication and have you feelings and behaviors match, you have to be able to feel your feelings. This can be very challenging for people. You have to let yourself feel your feelings, then share them with others in an authentic and straightforward ways.

Ultimately we want couples to be able to feel their feelings, and share them in authentic and straightforward ways; especially when they are handling conflict, trying to confide in each other, or when they are trying to solve problems together. " --Elizabeth Polinsky

ACTION STEP:
See if you and your partner can identify you communication stress styles. Just knowing you styles will help you prepare for marriage. Being able to identify them and communicate about them will help you navigate when they come up in marriage. It will make it easier to recognize when it is happening and you both will know that it is stemming from stress and when something it triggering you sense of self-esteem.

If you find that you need help woking on communicating in congruent way and changing you stress style of communication, consider working with someone who is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) or who is a Certified Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).

References:
Davies, M. (2019, March 21). Four stress communication styles. Medium. Retrieved May 8, 2022, from https://medium.com/@mattdavies.org/four-stress-communication-styles-b804de9f5c6

Gehart, D. R. (2014). Mastering competencies in family therapy. Belmont, CA: Brooks-Cole, Cengage Learning.

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Podcast Episode 26: Decision Making in Relationships

2/19/2022

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Who gets to decide in your relationship? This is the sixth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of being on the same page with who gets decision making power in the relationship and when.

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY:

Power conflicts come from different opinions on who gets to make decisions.
5 options for making decisions in relationships.
Topics to decide on together about who gets to make decisions and when.

MAIN POINTS:

1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage:
It’s wedding season now and I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!

2. Recent story about decision making in my marriage:
As you may already know, I am a marriage counselor in Norfolk Virginia, and also provide online counseling in South Carolina, Arkansas, Virginia, and soon to be Nevada. You can find out more about my marriage counseling services at www.ElizabethPolinskyCounseling.com.

I have recently been thinking about going counseling retreats and workshops for military couples who aren't able to attend weekly therapy sessions sue to difficulties with their military schedule--whether they have rotating shift schedules, inconsistent schedules, or because they are going through workups or are soon to deploy.

In thinking about starting to do workshops and retreats, I wanted to do a training on providing retreats but the cost was $3,000. I wanted to do it, and my husband wanted me to wait. This is where we get into decision making power in relationships and who gets to decide. The question is, do I get to decide this on my own? Or should my husband have a say on my business expenses? Couples face difficult decisions about who has decision making power and when in the relationship.

There are no right or wrongs here--just different pros and cons for how you both decide who has decision making power and when" --Elizabeth Polinsky

3. Having fights over power is a common relationship experience.
People have different preferences for whether they or their partner get to make the decision on something--and what things should be joint decisions. The problem is when this hasn't been discussed or agreed on, then it a can great tension when you feel very different than you partner on a topic. Another topic where this comes up a lot is parenting and different parenting styles -- who gets to decide what parenting style you guys will use and how you will discipline the kids? You probably want to be on the same page about this!

4. The PAIRS Foundation talks about a Powergram:
They have a worksheet that covers 5 different options:

My decision only
My decision with my partner's input
Our decision equally
My partner's decision with my input
My partner's decision only

5. Topics to decide on together:
It is helpful for couples to go through the Powergram options above or by using the worksheet to decide on the following topics:

Work hours
Bed time
Money decisions (See Episode 24 on Couple Finances)
Food and diet habits
Parenting styles and discipline

Action Steps:
Download the PAIRS Powergram here! You and your partner will fill out the worksheet separately and then compare the results together. Use this to talk about where you guys had different opinions so that way you can come to an agreement and be on the same page!

Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

Liz's Useful Links:

Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.

DISCLAIMER:
My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

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Podcast Episode 25: Couple Finances

1/17/2022

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What's the best way to handle finances as a couple? This is the fifth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of being on the same page with your couple finances.

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY:

Three ways of handling couple finances
Decision making around money
Being on the same page with budgeting

2. Research on couples and money:

According to a new survey by Ramsey Solutions:

Money fights are the second leading cause of divorce (behind infidelity).
High levels of debt and a lack of communication are major causes of financial stress.
The more debt couples had, the more they fought about money.
Couples with over $50,000 in debt said money was one of the main things they fought about.
Those with "great" marriages where twice as likely to talk about money daily or weekly compared to those with "okay" marriages.

Transparency is one of the biggest skills needed for marriage." -- Elizabeth Polinsky

3. Three ways of handling money:
You could do joint accounts, separate accounts, a mixture. I recommend at least one joint account for military couples. If you have separate accounts, consider putting a percentage or specific amount into a joint account. If you start off with a joint account; maybe consider having an amount or percentage to use for personal use. Generally good to have a mixture in case you want to get a surprise gift or something just for yourself while still making finances a team effort.

4. Decide on a budget together:

You both may have different spending and saving styles. This is something to discuss when you are determining your relationship values (see episode 24). It’s important to decide together how you want to prioritize saving, spending, and investing etc.
Discuss how much you can spend before it should be a discussion as a couple. Is it $20, $100, $1000?
Make balancing the budget part of your monthly check in meetings (see episode 23 on marriage meetings).
1. This helps there be transparency between the two of you
2. It also helps you work together toward financial goals
3. Keeps you on track as a couple regarding cash flow
4. Allows you to jointly decide when to modify financial priorities as life circumstances change--such as when buying a house, moving, having kids, etc.

Action Steps:
Make a budget together. If you want a template to use, you can download one here!

Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

Liz's Useful Links:

Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.

DISCLAIMER:
My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

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Podcast Episode 24: Determining Your Relationship Values

12/30/2021

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Do you know your relationship values? Are they the same as your partner's relationship values? This is the fourth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of knowing your personal values, your relationship values, and how to determine your relationship values together with your partner.

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY:

What are values?
How to know your personal values.
How to use an ACT Matrix to determine your relationship values.

2. My Relationship Fail Moment:
Last thanksgiving, my husband and I were on a walk and came across an unmanned hot chocolate stand. My husband joked about stealing a marshmallow from the hot chocolate stand, and later that night I yelled at him and tell him how he wasn't a good man because he would consider stealing a marshmallow. This was a relationship fail on my part because I had let my anger build up instead of talking about the issue when it was happening. Looking back now, we see it as a funny story. But at the time, I was anger that he would even THINK about the possibility of stealing a marshmallow. My level of anger was related to my personal values, and thinking that my husband and I did not share the same values. More on this in a little bit...

Values are about what you want to stand for in life" -- Elizabeth Polinsky

3. What are Personal Values:
Values are qualities of being that are important for who you are and what you want to stand for in life. For example, you could value curiosity, adventure, honesty, service, community, etc. For me, with the marshmallows, my personal values of honesty and respect were at play. Being respectful of other's property is important to me even if it is a marshmallow! So when my husband had the joke about stealing the marshmallow, it signaled to me that he didn't value respect the same way I did--and that was very frustrating.

In relationships it is helpful to know your personal values as well as your partner's personal values because differences in values can be a source of conflict in relationships. If you can both identify your personal values and discuss them together, then maybe you can avoid marshmallow incident like what we had!

It's important to know that your core values typically don't change over you life, although the priority might change over your life. For example, a value of service may always be important, but if you have young children then caring for them may be a higher priority than service while they are very young. It doesn't mean that the value of service isn't still a core value though.

If you aren't sure what your personal values are, you can check out this list of personal values from Dr. Russ Harris as well as the youtube video below to help you figure out your personal life values.

4. Figuring out your relationship values.
In relationships it is important to be a team. It is important to decide together as a team what you want your family to stand for, what your your collective family core values will be. This may be different or similar to your personal core values. Examples of family values could be loyalty, financial stability, etc.

There is something called an ACT Matrix that comes from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to help you determine your values. I go over how to use the ACT Matrix for your relationship in the YouTube Video below:

You can Download the worksheet here!! This worksheet has the example worksheet I did in the youtube video, as well as a blank worksheet for you and your partner to fill out together!

In the worksheet, you and your partner together ask yourselves these 5 questions:

What is most important to us as we get married for how we want to set the stage for our marriage together?
If we are living in alignment with the goals and values identified in Question 1, what would a video camera pick up on us doing together?
What sorts thoughts and emotions might show up for either one of us that would get in the way of us moving towards the answers from Questions 1 & 2?
What would a camera catch us doing if we were really in the grip of those thoughts and emotions from Question 3? How workable would those behaviors be in both the short-term and the long-term for our relationship?
Given all of this from Questions 1-4, what else do we need to know to remain aware, compassionate, and effective in our relationship?

Action Steps:
Download the worksheet for determining your relationship values here!

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Liz's Useful Links:

Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.

DISCLAIMER:
My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

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Podcast Episode 23: Marriage Meetings

10/21/2021

What's my number one tips for marriage? This is the third episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of marriage meetings and how to have them.

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY:

Importance of marriage meetings
How marriage meetings can improve your communication
Topics to include in your marriage meeting

2. My story with marriage meetings:
In past relationships I was always someone who couldn't let things go--especially if I was feeling anxious or worried that there was a conflict between me and my partner. I would bring things up over and over again. I would end up having a hard time just enjoying my quality time with my partner until things felt resolved--but of course it rarely felt resolved because there was never a good time to discuss it. Then my friend sent me a podcast called multiamory where they went over relationship RADAR meetings. I loved the idea of doing monthly relationship meetings, and when I started dating my husband (before I became a couple therapist) we began doing these meetings just a few months after starting to date. We still do them now and it is one of the most important things we do together that helps make our relationship work.

Marriage meeting help you put things on the back-burner so you can be more present and enjoy your time together." -- Elizabeth Polinsky

3. Why have marriage meetings?

It’s important of having a dedicated time to discuss things. Marriage meeting help you put things on the back-burner so you can be more present and enjoy your time together.

Marriage meetings help you set aside time for difficult conversations.
Making sure you set aside time to discuss difficult topics like sex and unresolved fights is important. Sex is often a difficult topic for couples. Marriage meetings give you a chance to check in about what you like, don’t like, or want to try sexually. Marriage meetings also can help you revisit conflict and fights to discuss how they went and if anything still need to be addressed from the fight.
Marriage Meetings help you be on the same page together.
Topics like financial planning, preparing for buying a house, household chores, parenting, etc.

4. Typical Marriage Meeting Agenda:

Recap since the past month and check in on progress toward goals.
Agree to agenda points and then discuss. Agenda topics can include quality time, health, family updates, updates in other relationships, sex, health, travel plans, finances, needed discussions (family planning, unresolved fights-content, how fights went-process, etc).
Set new goals.
Reconnect by doing something together such as going on a date or cuddling.

Action Steps:
Download the template I use for my marriage check-in meetings and try one out with your partner here!

Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

Liz's Useful Links:

Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.

DISCLAIMER:
My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

Podcast Episode 021: Conversations to have before marriage

8/24/2021

How can you best prepare for marriage? This is the first episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the conversations to have before marriage.

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY:

Why it is important to get on the same page before you are married
The top conversations to have to start your marriage on the right foot
How premarital couples counseling can help you with some of the difficult conversations before marriage

MAIN POINTS:
1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage:
It’s wedding season now and I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!

It’s really common for people to get married without going over the foundational conversations needed to be prepared for marriage”. -- Elizabeth Polinsky

2. Why it is important to have marriage prep conversations before you get marriage.
There are a lot of topics that couples have difficulty finding a compromise on and these are important to talk about before you get married--whether you both want kids, whether or not you both find marriage to be important, whether you want to be monogamous or non-mongoamous, etc.

For me , the topic was about my career and kids. I dated someone who was not willing to move from the area for my career progression and didn’t want kids. I am SOOOO glad we discussed this before getting married! It would have sucked to find this out after we were already married.

It is important to have fulfillment and personal identity when even in a marriage.” -- Elizabeth Polinsky

3. Top conversations to have before marriage.

Career Goals and Career Flexibility: This important to me personally but also really important for military couples. Does the military person want to retire from the military? Do they know what they want to do if they get out of the military? What are the career goals for the person who isn’t in the military? How will you both pursue your career goals while someone is serving in the military? This is something to discuss ahead of time so you know where you both stand before getting married.
Kids: Do you want kids? What if you can’t have kids, are you open to fostering or adoption? How many kids do you both want?
Getting Rid of Secrets. Getting secrets out before you get married has the potential to help you both heal from it before you get married. Seeing a premarital couples counseling can help you both have these conversations in a safe way and also help the two of you heal from any secrets. Some examples of secrets could include: affairs and cheating, substance use or addictions, or problems with money, etc. It’s nice to start your marriage off on with transparency and being on the same page and start off the pattern of having open conversations together.
Other Conversations to Have before Marriage: Other things to talk about are sex, monogamy, and money management.

It is so much more painful after you get married to find out that there was a big secret.” -- Elizabeth Polinsky

Action Steps:
Discuss kids, career, sex, and money with your partner. This is helpful to talk about no matter what stage of the relationship you are in--especially if you haven’t discussed these topics before.

Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

Liz's Useful Links:

Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.

DISCLAIMER:
My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

Podcast Episode 020: Using insurance for couple therapy

7/26/2021

In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses how to use your insurance for couples counseling, including suggestions for military couples wishing to use Tricare insurance.

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY:

Why not all couples therapists take insurance
What to do if you find a couples counselor but they don’t take your insurance
Insurance requirements if your couples counselor does take your insurance
Tips for using Tricare for couples counseling

MAIN POINTS:

1. Our story with Military OneSource:
Our experiences with military one source were not great for premarital couples counseling. They sent us to someone with no experience in couples counseling. She never even asked us what problems we were dealing with or what we wanted to get out of therapy. Military one source may be great for individual counseling, but I tend to think that you should find the couples counselor you want to work with first that is specifically trained inn couples counseling, and then find a way to get it covered by insurance. Our experience of having someone who wasn’t trained in couples counseling really was not helpful.

If you can financially do it, go with a therapist that is a good fit even if they don’t take your insurance” -- Elizabeth Polinsky

2. Why not all couples counselors take insurance

If you have some who is trained as a marriage and family therapist, then they are trained from a systems perspective meaning that “no one person is the problem, instead it is how we are interacting together”. Marriage and family therapists believe that “we are both creating whats happening between us and we are both impacted by it”. This is not what insurance companies want to hear; insurance companies want one person to be the problem due to a mental health diagnosis.
For your insurance company to pay, they require that the person has a mental health diagnosis and that it is medical necessary for you to have therapy to treat the mental health problem. Additionally for couples counseling, the therapist has to prove that couple therapy can help treat that mental health diagnosis. This is not how couples therapists think because they don’t think one person is the problem.
1. “There are many people who would love couple therapy who may never meet the requirement for a mental health diagnosis” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
If you use your insurance, your insurance company has the right to access all your mental health records. Some therapists prefer to not use insurance in order to enhance confidentiality--especially since there are two people in the session and not just one. By not taking insurance, they can also better protect the confidentiality of the person who is not the "identified patient" with the mental health diagnosis.
Insurance companies often try to dictate treatment as well as the length of therapy instead of letting it be based on what the therapist and the client think would be best. Often times an insurance company will only allow 12 to 24 sessions, and more sessions would have to be approved by the insurance company. The therapist has to give them a summary and a letter of why you absolutely need more couples counseling, and the insurance company could still say you aren't allowed to have more sessions.
Some insurance companies pay significantly less for couples counseling compared to individual therapy even though couples counseling is way harder and requires specialized training and experience above and beyond just being a therapist.

If you are going to pay upfront for couples counseling, ask if there is a military discount” -- Elizabeth Polinsky

3. What to do if you find a couple therapist who doesn’t take insurance

You may be able to get your insurance company to reimburse you for the services. You would still need a mental health diagnosis for your insurance to reimburse you for out-of -network therapy services. The insurance company may have a different deductible and copay for out-of-network versus in-network therapy services.
If you are going to a therapist who doesn't take insurance, or who doesn't take your insurance, tell them you are hoping to get reimbursed from your insurance company and that you would like to be assessed for a mental health diagnosis. A diagnosis has to be in their records on on your bill/ receipt for services in order for the insurance company to reimburse for services.
The receipt that you give your insurance company is called a superbill. Submit superbills to insurance to get partial reimbursement.
- Reimbursify is helpful for this. There is a small processing fee to use it, and you can do it directly through your insurance company, but I tend to think that reimbusify is just easier to use.
The dual military couples that I have worked with in the past have often chosen to go with a private pay rate for increased confidentiality. Often private pay therapists offer a military discount. In this option, they do not get reimbursed from Tricare and there is requirement that a mental health diagnosis has to go in the chart.

If there is a civilian spouse with separate insurance other than Tricare, try to use that person’s insurance for couples counseling.” -- Elizabeth Polinsky

4. Things to know if your couples counselor does take your insurance.

You still have to pick one person to carry the mental health diagnosis for the two of you. Think about who is having more anxiety, depression, problems with sleep or eating. Whoever is going through more emotionally, pick them to be the primary patient because it helps the therapist justify a mental health diagnosis and medical necessity.
If one person is in the military and there is a civilian spouse, use the civilian spouses insurance if possible instead of Tricare. This is because:
- If a couples therapist does take insurance for couples counseling, they might not take Tricare due the fact that Tricare pays lower than other insurances for couple counseling.
- If you can find someone who does take Tricare for couples counseling, then they are likely very full and you might have to be on a waitlist to see them.

5. Using Tricare for couples counseling.

If using Tricare, consider making the non-military spouse the primary patient so that way the military spouse does not get a mental health diagnosis in the health record. Instead, the civilian spouse would get the mental health diagnosis.
- There is an out-of-network option for Tricare. You can’t just go to any therapist and be reimbursed by Tricare for out-of-network services. You have to go to a certified out-of-network therapist with Tricare in order to receive reimbursement. If you have Tricare Prime, you will need a referral from your primary care doctor.
  - In-network means Tricare pays first and then you might pay a copay.
  - In certified out-of-network, you pay the entire amount up front and Tricare reimburses you either a partial amount or the entire amount.

Actions Steps:
Go look up your insurance information and make sure you understand what your insurance covers in terms of mental health treatment, your deductible, your copay, if they cover family therapy (couples therapy is a type of family therapy), and how the rates differ in coverage for in-network versus out-of-network services.

Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

Liz's Useful Links:

Photo by SYLO Productions.

Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas.

DISCLAIMER:
My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

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​Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage?

When you don't use relationship communication skills...

Active listening skills for your relationship.

Finding empathy and expressing it in relationships.

Negotiations skills in relationships.

Conflict resolution in relationships.

Ways to learn relationship communication skills.

Action Item for Communicate & Connect Episode 30: Relationship Communication Skills

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Qualities of dirty fighting.

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Tips to fight fair in relationships.

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​Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage

A Personal Example of an Emotional Trigger

Understanding Emotional Raw Spots and Emotional Triggers

Navigating Emotional Triggers in Relationships Like a Pro

Examples of Emotional Triggers and Emotional Raw Spots

Identifying Emotional Triggers

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