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Podcast Episode 27: Communication Styles in Relationships

5/8/2022

0 Comments

 
What's your communication stress style? How about you partner's? This is the seventh episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. ​In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of identifying your communication stress styles in oder to improve your communication. ​

IN THIS PODCAST

SUMMARY:
  • The 5 Styles of Communication.
  • How stress changes how we communicate. 
  • Importance of identifying your communication stress style. 
  • The importance of authentic, straightforward, and congruent communication. 
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1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage:
I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!

2. Recent story about communication styles in my marriage: 
My husband is about to start workups for deployment and we went on a trip with some friends to Charlottesville Virginia. We had a super great time! There was one night were I was working on some stuff on my computer, and all the sudden I looked up and he was no longer right next to me. It turned out that he had gone out to the hot tub with some of our friends and didn't tell me or invite me. While this may not be a bog deal for everyone, it made me really angry that he didn't invite me. This is because deep down it triggered emotions and thoughts that maybe he didn't want to include me or that I wasn't even a thought to him. These were painful thoughts and emotions for me which then led me to getting really angry and blaming him. And this is partly because blaming is my communication stress style. 
Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships she or he makes with others and what happens to each in the world.” - Virginia Satir, 1988

The 5 Communication Stress Styles in Relationships

3. The Theory Behind the 5 Communication Stress Styles in Relationships
These styles come from Virginia Satir who was the mother of family therapy. Her whole thing was that communication is what determines the type of the relationships we have! Her basic idea was that we all react to stress and especially threats to our self-esteem. This is what happened in the above example with my husband and the hot tub--it made me feel that I wasn't wanted and wasn't worth thinking about.

This is just an example of how something could be a threat to someone's self-esteem. Although the threat, or the painful thoughts and feelings, will vary from person to person. Threats to self-esteem could involve feelings of shame, guilt, rejection, fear, low self-esteem. 

When there are threats to self-esteem, people react with one of the communication stress styles: blaming, placating, being super-reasonable, or distracting. These are ways that we protect ourselves from threats to self esteem. They are coping skills to try not to feel so insecure. They all relate to the question of "am I going to be accepted or rejected in this relationship? will I be seen as not good enough or unwanted?" They are coping styles for the fear of insecurity or the painful feelings that come up when rejected or unaccepted. Often these are coping skills that people learned in childhood that they get carried on into adulthood. However, they can become a problem in marriages. The final style is called the congruent style which is the one we all want to strive for.  
[These styles] are like a mask that we wear to try to coverup the feelings of insecurity and to try to not feel so insecure" - Elizabeth Polinsky
4. Communication Style 1: Blaming 
  • On the Outside: Blamers tend to be very critical, complain a lot, and tend to find fault in other people. They often don't take responsibility for themselves, what they are doing m feeling, or what they want in relationships. 
  • On the Inside: they are pretty unhappy, feeling lonely and unlovable. 
  • How the Coping Skill Developed: In childhood they felt their needs would not be met by other people and so they coped by blaming, going on the offense, so they will hopefully come meet my needs. This is how they cope with the fear of being unloveable and that their needs won't be met.
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5. Communication Style 2: Placating 
  • On the Outside: This is your people pleasers. Often say yes, don't provide alternative options, and avoid conflict at all costs. 
  • On the Inside: They often feel helpless and worthless. That is the threat to self-esteem on the inside for them. This is because their self-esteem, self-value, and self-worth come from other people. They want others to see them as valuable and to want them. So they people please, go along with what others want or what they think others will want, and hold feelings on the inside. This coping skill is to avoid the risk of disapproval. Because of this it is hard for them to express anger. Often times they are working really hard mentally to suppress emotions which can lead to depression.  
  • How the Coping Skill Developed: They grew up with a lot of fear of disapproval in their families. They coped in their families by keeping the peace, going a long, and trying to either not be noticed or not be a problem for anyone. Alternatively, they might try to be the golden child, perfect, being whatever they think others want them to be.  
6. Communication Style 3:  Super Reasonable
  • On the Outside: I think of a computer with this style. They are calm, cool, collected, and almost emotionless. They will cite a lot of facts. They really don't like making mistakes or being wrong. They have very good memories for what other's have done wrong. This part is different from the blamer because there is no heat from the anger; instead it is expressed from a more emotionless stance. People might describe this person as cold, not empathetic, and maybe even robotic.
  • On the Inside: They are very disconnected from their emotions. They are uncomfortable with emotions in general--both  their own emotions and other peoples emotions. They might even view emotions as dangerous and something to avoid. So they cope by going to logic. They are often longing for justice and fairness and to be accepted and to be seen as good. There is a fear of being seen as imperfect or lacking or not good enough in some way. They want to know they belong and are loved. 
  • How the Coping Skill Developed: They often grew up in families that conveyed that they weren't good enough. To cope with the feeling of not being good enough or being found as lacking, they tried to become perfect. Similar to people pleasing in that they want to be seen positively; but instead of trying to make people happy, they become very detail oriented and logical to make sure everything is done just right, Then there is no argument for someone to say they did it wrong. That was how they could gain acceptance in their family to prevent rejection. 
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7. Communication Style 4: Distracting / Irrelevant Style
  • On the Outside: This is very talkative, all over the place, and erratic. Sometimes they are out of touch with reality. They might avoid eye contact and not respond to questions directly. Instead they might make a joke to change the subject, avoid responding, or randomly change the subject. 
  • On the Inside: They feel distrustful and worried. They often think that if they ignore the problem it will go away. There is a lot of fear about how the person will react if there is a problem. They navigate the conversation away from the problem by either changing their emotional experience or getting them on a different topic. 
  • How the Coping Skill Developed: This is a less common style, but in their families conflict was not a safe thing. So the only way to cope was to avoid problem, try to get the person to focus on something else, or try to  get them to not be angry so they could feel safe. 
8. Communication Style 5: The Congruent Communication Style
The above 4 styles are styles that come out when someone is under stress and especially when they have feelings of insecurity that are impacting their self-esteem. You want to know what your stress style is and what your partners stress style is. 

Virginia Satir and her team of researchers estimated that about 50% of people are placaters, 30% are blamers, 15% are super-reasonable, and 0.5% are distracters. That leaves about 4% of people communicating in the congruent style or the leveler style. 

The congruent style is what we all want to strive for. In this style, people are not using one of the other 4 styles. Instead, in the congruent style the individuals thoughts, feelings, and behaviors all match and are in-sync. This different than in the other 4 styles because in the other 4 styles the person feels something but is doing or saying something different. 

In order to be congruent in your communication and have you feelings and behaviors match, you have to be able to feel your feelings. This can be very challenging for people. You have to let yourself feel your feelings, then share them with others in an authentic and straightforward ways. 
Ultimately we want couples to be able to feel their feelings, and share them in authentic and straightforward ways; especially when they are handling conflict, trying to confide in each other, or when they are trying to solve problems together. " --Elizabeth Polinsky 
ACTION STEP:
See if you and your partner can identify you communication stress styles. Just knowing you styles will help you prepare for marriage. Being able to identify them and communicate about them will help you navigate when they come up in marriage. It will make it easier to recognize when it is happening and you both will know that it is stemming from stress and when something it triggering you sense of self-esteem. 

If you find that you need help woking on communicating in  congruent way and changing you stress style of communication, consider working with someone who is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) or who is a Certified Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). 
References: 
Davies, M. (2019, March 21). Four stress communication styles. Medium. Retrieved May 8, 2022, from https://medium.com/@mattdavies.org/four-stress-communication-styles-b804de9f5c6 

Gehart, D. R. (2014). Mastering competencies in family therapy. Belmont, CA: Brooks-Cole, Cengage Learning.

Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

​Liz's Useful Links: 
  • Download the Getting Ready for Marriage Checklist here. 
  • YouTube
  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • Linked In
  • Work with Liz
  • Listen to other Episodes
Picture
Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, Nevada, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​


​
​DISCLAIMER: 
My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

Join the Newsletter

Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

    We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
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    Podcast Episode 26: Decision Making in Relationships

    2/19/2022

    0 Comments

     
    Who gets to decide in your relationship? This is the sixth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. ​In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of being on the same page with who gets decision making power in the relationship and when. 

    IN THIS PODCAST

    SUMMARY:
    • Power conflicts come from different opinions on who gets to make decisions. 
    • 5 options for making decisions in relationships. 
    • Topics to decide on together about who gets to make decisions and when. 
    Picture
    MAIN POINTS:
    ​

    1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage:
    It’s wedding season now and I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!

    2. Recent story about decision making in my marriage: 
    As you may already know, I am a marriage counselor in Norfolk Virginia, and also provide online counseling in South Carolina, Arkansas, Virginia, and soon to be Nevada. You can find out more about my marriage counseling services at www.ElizabethPolinskyCounseling.com. 

    I have recently been thinking about going counseling retreats and workshops for military couples who aren't able to attend weekly therapy sessions sue to difficulties with their military schedule--whether they have rotating shift schedules, inconsistent schedules, or because they are going through workups or are soon to deploy. 

    In thinking about starting to do workshops and retreats, I wanted to do a training on providing retreats but the cost was $3,000. I wanted to do it, and my husband wanted me to wait. This is where we get into decision making power in relationships and who gets to decide. The question is, do I get to decide this on my own? Or should my husband have a say on my business expenses? Couples face difficult decisions about who has decision making power and when in the relationship. 
    There are no right or wrongs here--just different pros and cons for how you both decide who has decision making power and when" --Elizabeth Polinsky 
    3. Having fights over power is a common relationship experience. 
    People have different preferences for whether they or their partner get to make the decision on something--and what things should be  joint decisions. The problem is when this hasn't been discussed or agreed on, then it a can great tension when you feel very different than you partner on a topic. ​Another topic where this comes up a lot is parenting and different parenting styles -- who gets to decide what parenting style you guys will use and how you will discipline the kids? You probably want to be on the same page about this!
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    4. The PAIRS Foundation talks about a Powergram: 
    They have a worksheet that covers 5 different options:  
    • My decision only
    • My decision with my partner's input
    • Our decision equally 
    • My partner's decision with my input
    • My partner's decision only 

    5. Topics to decide on together: 
    It is helpful for couples to go through the Powergram options above or by using the worksheet to decide on the following topics: 
    • Work hours
    • Bed time
    • Money decisions (See Episode 24 on Couple Finances) 
    • Food and diet habits
    • Parenting styles and discipline 

    Action Steps: 
    Download the PAIRS Powergram here! You and your partner will fill out the worksheet separately and then compare the results together. Use this to talk about where you guys had different opinions so that way you can come to an agreement and be on the same page!
    Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!
    Liz's Useful Links: 
    • Download the Getting Ready for Marriage Checklist here. 
    • YouTube
    • Instagram
    • Facebook
    • Linked In
    • Work with Liz
    • Listen to other Episodes
    Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge  is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun.  There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships  and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”.

    Thanks for Listening!
    Picture
    Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​



    ​DISCLAIMER: 
    My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
    podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

    Join the Newsletter

    Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

      We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
      Built with ConvertKit
      0 Comments

      Podcast Episode 25: Couple Finances

      1/17/2022

      0 Comments

       
      What's the best way to handle finances as a couple? This is the fifth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. ​In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of being on the same page with your couple finances. 

      IN THIS PODCAST

      SUMMARY:
      • Three ways of handling couple finances
      • Decision making around money
      • Being on the same page with budgeting
      Picture
      MAIN POINTS:
      ​

      1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage:
      It’s wedding season now and I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!
      2. Research on couples and money: 

      According to a new survey by Ramsey Solutions:

      • Money fights are the second leading cause of divorce (behind infidelity).
      • High levels of debt and a lack of communication are major causes of financial stress. 
      • ​The more debt couples had, the more they fought about money. 
      • Couples with over $50,000 in debt said money was one of the main things they fought about. 
      • Those with "great" marriages where twice as likely to talk about money daily or weekly compared to those with "okay" marriages. 
      Transparency is one of the biggest skills needed for marriage." -- Elizabeth Polinsky
      3. Three ways of handling money: 
      You could do joint accounts, separate accounts, a mixture. I recommend at least one joint account for military couples. If you have separate accounts, consider putting a percentage or specific amount into a joint account. If you start off with a joint account; maybe consider having an amount or percentage to use for personal use. Generally good to have a mixture in case you want to get a surprise gift or something just for yourself while still making finances a team effort. 
      Picture
      4. Decide on a budget together: 
      • You both may have different spending and saving styles. This is something to discuss when you are determining your relationship values (see episode 24). It’s important to decide together how you want to prioritize saving, spending, and investing etc. 
      • ​Discuss how much you can spend before it should be a discussion as a couple. Is it $20, $100, $1000?
      • Make balancing the budget part of your monthly check in meetings (see episode 23 on marriage meetings). 
        1. This helps there be transparency between the two of you 
        2. It also helps you work together toward financial goals
        3. Keeps you on track as a couple regarding cash flow
        4. Allows you to jointly decide when to modify financial priorities as life circumstances change--such as when buying a house, moving, having kids, etc. 
      Action Steps: 
      Make a budget together. If you want a template to use, you can download one here!

      Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

      Liz's Useful Links: 
      • Download the Getting Ready for Marriage Checklist here. 
      • YouTube
      • Instagram
      • Facebook
      • Linked In
      • Work with Liz
      • Listen to other Episodes
      Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”.

      Thanks for listening!
      Picture
      Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

      DISCLAIMER: 
      My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
      podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

      Join the Newsletter

      Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

        We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
        Built with ConvertKit
        0 Comments

        Podcast Episode 24: Determining Your Relationship Values

        12/30/2021

        0 Comments

         
        Do you know your relationship values? Are they the same as your partner's relationship values? This is the fourth episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. ​In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of knowing your personal values, your relationship values, and how to determine your relationship values together with your partner. 

        IN THIS PODCAST

        SUMMARY:
        • What are values?
        • How to know your personal values.
        • How to use an ACT Matrix to determine your relationship values. 
        Picture
        MAIN POINTS:
        ​

        1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage:
        It’s wedding season now and I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!
        2. My Relationship Fail Moment:
        Last thanksgiving, my husband and I were on a walk and came across an unmanned hot chocolate stand.  My husband joked about stealing a marshmallow from the hot chocolate stand, and later that night I yelled at him and tell him how he wasn't a good man because he would consider stealing a marshmallow. This was a relationship fail on my part because I had let my anger build up instead of talking about the issue when it was happening. Looking back now, we see it as a funny story. But at the time, I was anger that he would even THINK about the possibility of stealing a marshmallow. My level of anger was  related to my personal values, and thinking that my husband and I did not share the same values. More on this in a little bit...

        Values are  about what you want to stand for in life" -- Elizabeth Polinsky 
        3. What are Personal Values: 
        Values are qualities of being that are important for who you are and what you want to stand for in life. For example, you could value curiosity, adventure, honesty, service, community, etc.  For me, with the marshmallows, my personal values of honesty and respect were at play. Being respectful of other's property is important to  me even if it is a marshmallow! So when my husband had the joke about stealing the marshmallow, it signaled to me that he didn't value respect the same way I did--and that was very frustrating. 

        In relationships it is helpful to know your personal values as well as your partner's personal values because differences in values can be a source of conflict in relationships. If you can both identify your personal values and discuss them together, then maybe you can avoid marshmallow incident like what we had!

        It's important to know that your core values typically don't change over you life,  although  the priority might change over your life. For example, a value of service may always be important, but if you have young children then caring for them may be a higher priority than service while they are very young. It doesn't mean that the value of service isn't still a core value though. 

        If you aren't sure what your personal values are, you can check out this list of personal values from Dr. Russ Harris as well as the youtube video below to help you figure out your personal life values. 
        4. Figuring out your relationship values.
        In relationships it is important to be a team. It is important to decide together as a team what you want your family to stand for, what your your collective family core values will be. This may be different or similar to your personal core values. Examples of family values could be loyalty, financial stability, etc. 

        There is something called an ACT Matrix that comes from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to help you determine your values. I go over how to use the ACT Matrix for your relationship in the YouTube Video below: 

        ​You can Download the worksheet here!! This worksheet has the example worksheet I did in the youtube video, as well as a blank worksheet for you and your partner to fill out together!

        In the worksheet, you and your partner together ask yourselves these 5 questions: 
        1. What is most important to us as we get married for how we want to set the stage for our marriage together?
        2. If we are living in alignment with the goals and values identified in Question 1, what would a video camera pick up on us doing together?
        3. What sorts thoughts and emotions might show up for either one of us that would get in the way of us moving towards the answers from Questions 1 & 2?
        4. What would a camera catch us doing if we were really in the grip of those thoughts and emotions from Question 3? How workable would those behaviors be in both the short-term and the long-term for our relationship?
        5. Given all of this from Questions 1-4, what else do we need to know to remain aware, compassionate, and effective in our relationship?
        Action Steps: 
        Download the worksheet for determining your relationship values here!
        Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

        ​Liz's Useful Links: 
        • Download the Getting Ready for Marriage Checklist here. 
        • YouTube
        • Instagram
        • Facebook
        • Linked In
        • Work with Liz
        • Listen to other Episodes
        Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge  is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun.  There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships  and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”.

        Thanks for Listening!
        Picture
        Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

        DISCLAIMER: 
        My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
        podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

        Join the Newsletter

        Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

          We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
          Built with ConvertKit
          0 Comments

          Podcast Episode 23: Marriage Meetings

          10/21/2021

           
          What's my number one tips for marriage? This is the third episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. ​In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the importance of marriage  meetings and how to have them. 

          IN THIS PODCAST

          SUMMARY:
          • Importance of marriage meetings
          • How marriage meetings can improve your communication 
          • Topics to include in your marriage meeting 
          Picture
          ​MAIN POINTS:
          ​

          1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage:
          It’s wedding season now and I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!
          2. My story with marriage meetings: 
          In past relationships I was always someone who couldn't let things go--especially if I was feeling anxious or worried that there was a conflict between me and my partner. I would bring things up over and over again. I would end up having a hard time just enjoying my quality time with my partner until things felt resolved--but of course it rarely felt resolved because there was never a good time to discuss it. Then my friend sent me a podcast called multiamory where they went over relationship RADAR meetings. I loved the idea of doing monthly relationship meetings, and when I started dating my husband (before I became a couple therapist) we began doing these meetings just a few months after starting to date. We still do them now and it is one of the most important things we do together that helps make our relationship work.
           Marriage meeting help you put things on the back-burner so you can be more present and enjoy your time together." -- Elizabeth Polinsky
          3. Why have marriage meetings?
          • It’s important of having a dedicated time to discuss things. Marriage meeting help you put things on the back-burner so you can be more present and enjoy your time together.

          • Marriage meetings help you set aside time for difficult conversations.
            Making sure you set aside time to discuss difficult topics like sex and unresolved fights is important. Sex is often a difficult topic for couples. Marriage meetings give you a chance to check in about what you like, don’t like, or want to try sexually. Marriage meetings also can help you revisit conflict and fights to discuss how they went and if anything still need to be addressed from the fight.


          • Marriage Meetings help you be on the same page together.
            Topics like financial planning, preparing for buying a house, household chores, parenting, etc.  
          Picture
          4. Typical Marriage Meeting Agenda:
          1. Recap since the past month and check in on progress toward goals. 
          2. Agree to agenda points and then discuss. Agenda topics can include quality time, health, family updates, updates in other relationships, sex, health, travel plans, finances, needed discussions (family planning, unresolved fights-content, how fights went-process, etc). 
          3. Set new goals. 
          4. Reconnect by doing something together such as going on a date or cuddling. 
          Action Steps: 
          Download the template I use for my marriage check-in meetings and try one out with your partner here!
          Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

          ​Liz's Useful Links: 
          • Download the Getting Ready for Marriage Checklist here. 
          • YouTube
          • Instagram
          • Facebook
          • Linked In
          • Work with Liz
          • Listen to other Episodes
          Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”.

          Thanks for listening!

          Picture

          Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

          DISCLAIMER: 
          My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
          podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

          Join the Newsletter

          Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

            We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
            Built with ConvertKit

            Podcast Episode 021: Conversations to have before marriage

            8/24/2021

             

            ​How can you best prepare for marriage? This is the first episode of a series on Getting Ready for Marriage. ​In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses the conversations to have before marriage. 

            IN THIS PODCAST

            SUMMARY: 
            • Why it is important to get on the same page before you are married
            • The top conversations to have to start your marriage on the right foot
            • How premarital couples counseling can help you with some of the difficult conversations before marriage
            Picture
            MAIN POINTS:
            1. Why I am doing this series on Getting Ready for Marriage:
            It’s wedding season now and I had a wedding photographer reach out to me asking me to provide some tips for couples getting married. I created an entire checklist for her with the things I think are foundational for getting ready for marriage and starting off your marriage on the right foot. If you want the checklist, you can download it here!
            It’s really common for people to get married without going over the foundational conversations needed to be prepared for marriage”. -- Elizabeth Polinsky
            2. Why it is important to have marriage prep conversations before you get marriage.
            There are a lot of topics that couples have difficulty finding a compromise on and these are important to talk about before you get married--whether you both want kids, whether or not you both find marriage to be important, whether you want to be monogamous or non-mongoamous, etc.


            ​For me , the topic was about my career and kids. I dated someone who was not willing to move from the area for my career progression and didn’t want kids. I am SOOOO glad we discussed this before getting married! It would have sucked to find this out after we were already married.
            It is important to have fulfillment and personal identity when even in a marriage.” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
            Picture
            3. Top conversations to have before marriage. 
            1. Career Goals and Career Flexibility: This important to me personally but also really important for military couples.  Does the military person want to retire from the military? Do they know what they want to do if they get out of the military? What are the career goals for the person who isn’t in the military? How will you both pursue your career goals while someone is serving in the military? This is something to discuss ahead of time so you know where you both stand before getting married.
            2. Kids: Do you want kids? What if you can’t have kids, are you open to fostering or adoption? How many kids do you both want?
            3. Getting Rid of Secrets. Getting secrets out before you get married has the potential to help you both heal from it before you get married. Seeing a premarital couples counseling can help you both have these conversations in a safe way and also help the two of you heal from any secrets. Some examples of secrets could include: affairs and cheating, substance use or addictions, or problems with money, etc. It’s nice to start your marriage off on with transparency and being on the same page and start off the pattern of having open conversations together.
            4. Other Conversations to Have before Marriage: Other things to talk about are sex, monogamy, and money management. 
            It is so much more painful after you get married to find out that there was a big secret.” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
            Action Steps:
            ​Discuss kids, career, sex, and money with your partner. This is helpful to talk about no matter what stage of the relationship you are in--especially if you haven’t discussed these topics before. ​

            Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

            Liz's Useful Links: 
            • Download the Getting Ready for Marriage Checklist here. 
            • YouTube
            • Instagram
            • Facebook
            • Linked In
            • Work with Liz
            • Listen to other Episodes​
            Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”.
            Picture
            Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

            DISCLAIMER: 
            My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
            podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.


            Join the Newsletter

            Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

              We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
              Built with ConvertKit

              Podcast Episode 020: Using insurance for couple therapy

              7/26/2021

               

              ​In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses how to use your insurance for couples counseling, including suggestions for military couples wishing to use Tricare insurance.

              IN THIS PODCAST

              SUMMARY: 
              • Why not all couples therapists take insurance
              • What to do if you find a couples counselor but they don’t take your insurance
              • Insurance requirements if your couples counselor does take your insurance
              • Tips for using Tricare for couples counseling
              Picture
              MAIN POINTS:

              ​1.  Our story with Military OneSource:
              Our experiences with military one source were not great for premarital couples counseling. They sent us to someone with no experience in couples counseling. She never even asked us what problems we were dealing with or what we wanted to get out of therapy. Military one source may be great for individual counseling, but I tend to think that you should find the couples counselor you want to work with first that is specifically trained inn couples counseling, and then find a way to get it covered by insurance. Our experience of having someone who wasn’t trained in couples counseling really was not helpful. ​
              If you can financially do it, go with a therapist that is a good fit even if they don’t take your insurance” -- Elizabeth Polinsky
              2. Why not all couples counselors take insurance
              • If you have some who is trained as a marriage and family therapist, then they are trained from a systems perspective meaning that “no one person is the problem, instead it is how we are interacting together”. Marriage and family therapists believe that “we are both creating whats happening between us and we are both impacted by it”. This is not what insurance companies want to hear; insurance companies want one person to be the problem due to a mental health diagnosis.
              • For your insurance company to pay, they require that the person has a mental health diagnosis and that it is medical necessary for you to have therapy to treat the mental health problem. Additionally for couples counseling, the therapist has to prove that couple therapy can help treat that mental health diagnosis. This is not how couples therapists think because they don’t think one person is the problem. 
                1. “There are many people who would love couple therapy who may never meet the requirement for a mental health diagnosis” -- Elizabeth Polinsky 
              • If you use your insurance, your insurance company has the right to access all your mental health records. Some therapists prefer to not use insurance in order to enhance confidentiality--especially since there are two people in the session and not just one. By not taking insurance, they can also better protect the confidentiality of the person who is not the "identified patient" with the mental health diagnosis. 
              • Insurance companies often try to dictate treatment as well as the length of therapy instead of letting it be based on what the therapist and the client think would be best. Often times an insurance company will only allow 12 to 24 sessions, and more sessions would have to be approved by the insurance company. The therapist has to give them a summary and a letter of why you absolutely need more couples counseling, and the insurance company could still say you aren't allowed to have more sessions. 
              • Some insurance companies pay significantly less for couples counseling compared to individual therapy even though couples counseling is way harder and requires specialized training and experience above and beyond just being a therapist. ​
              1. If you are going to pay upfront for couples counseling, ask if there is a military discount” -- Elizabeth Polinsky ​
              Picture
              3. What to do if you find a couple therapist who doesn’t take insurance
              • You may be able to get your insurance company to reimburse you for the services. You would still need a mental health diagnosis for your insurance to reimburse you for out-of -network therapy services. The insurance company may have a different deductible and copay for out-of-network versus in-network therapy services. 
              • If you are going to a therapist who doesn't take insurance, or who doesn't take your insurance, tell them you are hoping to get reimbursed from your insurance company and that you would like to be assessed for a mental health diagnosis. A diagnosis has to be in their records on on your bill/ receipt for services in order for the insurance company to reimburse for services. 
              • The receipt that you give your insurance company is called a superbill. Submit superbills to insurance to get partial reimbursement.   
                • Reimbursify is helpful for this. There is a small processing fee to use it, and you can do it directly through your insurance company, but I tend to think that reimbusify is just easier to use. 
              • The dual military couples that I have worked with in the past have often chosen to go with a private pay rate for increased confidentiality. Often private pay therapists offer a military discount.  In this option, they do not get reimbursed from Tricare and there is requirement that a mental health diagnosis has to go in the chart. 
              • If there is a civilian spouse with separate insurance other than Tricare, try to use that person’s insurance for couples counseling.” -- Elizabeth Polinsky 
              4. Things to know if your couples counselor does take your insurance. 
              • You still have to pick one person to carry the mental health diagnosis for the two of you. Think about who is having more anxiety, depression, problems with sleep or eating. Whoever is going through more emotionally, pick them to be the primary patient because it helps the therapist justify a mental health diagnosis and medical necessity. 
              • If one person is in the military and there is a civilian spouse, use the civilian spouses insurance if possible instead of Tricare. This is because:
                • If a couples therapist does take insurance for couples counseling, they might not take Tricare due the fact that Tricare pays lower than other insurances for couple counseling. 
                • If you can find someone who does take Tricare for couples counseling, then they are likely very full and you might have to be on a waitlist to see them. ​
              Picture
              5. Using Tricare for couples counseling. 
              • If using Tricare, consider making the non-military spouse the primary patient so that way the military spouse does not get a mental health diagnosis in the  health record. Instead, the civilian spouse would get the mental health diagnosis. 
                • There is an out-of-network option for Tricare. You can’t just go to any therapist and be reimbursed by Tricare for out-of-network services. You have to go to a certified out-of-network therapist with Tricare in order to receive reimbursement. If you have Tricare Prime, you will need a referral from your primary care doctor.  
                  • In-network means Tricare pays first and then you might pay a copay.
                  • In certified out-of-network, you pay the entire amount up front and Tricare reimburses you either a partial amount or the entire amount.
              Actions Steps:
              Go look up your insurance information and make sure you understand what your insurance covers in terms of mental health treatment, your deductible, your copay, if they cover family therapy (couples therapy is a type of family therapy), and how the rates differ in coverage for in-network versus out-of-network services. ​
              Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

              Liz's Useful Links: 
              • YouTube
              • Instagram
              • Facebook
              • Linked In
              • Work with Liz
              • Listen to other Episodes

              Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge  is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun.  There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships  and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”.

              Thanks for Listening!
              PicturePhoto by SYLO Productions.
              Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

              DISCLAIMER: 
              My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
              podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.


              Join the Newsletter

              Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

                We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
                Built with ConvertKit

                Podcast Episode 019: Tips for LGBT military spouses

                6/10/2021

                 
                ​If you, or someone you love, are an LGBT service member, then there are unique challenges to being in the military.  

                In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews Dr. Kati McNamara on what it is like to be an LGBT couple in the military and how spouses can support each other.  

                IN THIS PODCAST

                SUMMARY: 
                • Brief history of LGBT Military experiences
                • Summary of research on experiences of LGBT service members
                • Discussion of unique couple and family experiences of LGBT military families
                • Tips for LGBT couples/families navigating military life
                ​
                Picture
                MAIN POINTS:

                ​1.  Introduction to Dr. McNamara:
                Dr. McNamara is a social scientist, a researcher, and a social worker in the Air Force. She does clinical work, research, and teaching for the Air Force. For her Ph.D. dissertation, she was able to partner on DoD projects happening at her university which looked at the experiences of LGBT service members after the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. ​
                So many people go to therapy for troubled marriages” -- Dr. Kati McNamara
                2. A History Lesson:
                LGBT folks are less prevalent that cis/straight folks in the military. In the 1900's there were explicit policies that forbid LGBT individuals from serving in the military due to thinking different sexual orientations and gender identities were  a mental health disorder (something that has since been scientifically disproven). 
                ​

                In the 1990s there was a compromise of "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell"--it allowed people who were LGBT to serve without being immediately kicked out. During that time, it is suspected that 13,000 LGBT people were kicked out of the military. In 2013, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was repealed, meaning that people who were lesbian, gay, or bisexual, could now serve openly. Individuals who are transgender have had more of a roller coaster with policies over the past few years. Under the Obama administration in 2015, transgender individuals were able to serve opening in the military. This was then banned by the Trump administration, and then allowed again under the Biden administration. ​
                Picture
                Even though people could serve opening in the military regardless of their sexual orientation starting in 2013, it wasn't until 2015 that same sex military couples have been respected as legit couples. Meaning that prior to 2015 and the federal rule recognizing same-sex marriage, spouses couldn't get an military ID's, health insurance, go to the commissary on their own, or pick up their kids from school on the military base. According to Dr. McNamara, “It’s an emotional and logistical problem.” 

                Between 2013 and 2015, several support groups formed to support same sex spouses: 
                • The Modern Military Association of American
                • Outserve SLDN network (which merged into the modern military association above) 
                If they hear a red flag--someone saying something negative about LGBT people--they code that as this person is probably not safe." -- Dr. Kati McNamara 
                3. Unique LGBT Couple and Family Military Experiences:
                The ripples of all of this is what Dr. McNamara and her colleagues researched. When though "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" had been repealed a few years prior, when Dr. McNamara signed up for the military, her paperwork to sign up still had forms saying that she wouldn’t be in a same-sex relationship. According to Dr. McNamara, there is a lot of mental math that people who are LGBT do in looking for green flags that other people are safe to disclose their sexual orientation to.  And they have to do this every time they PCS and move. 

                In her and her colleagues research, they found that life is better after "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and everyone is generally glad that same sex marriage is recognized, and "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" was repealed. However, they also found that people who are LGBT often still wonder about anti-LGBT views at the individual level and about how military culture has not caught up with the policies. 

                In the military, a lot of the resources for couples are with the chaplain. But historically there have been a lot of anti-LGBT chaplains in the military. There has also been a long history of trauma from the church toward LGBT individuals. This then puts a lot of couples off from considering going to the chaplain for help with their relationship. This experience of discrimination is related to physical and mental health problems--something called minority stress. There are between 75K - 100K LGBT service members, but LGBT folks have high attrition from the military because of minority stress and lack of acceptance. 
                Young LGBT people are looking for someone at least 1 rank higher than them to be out in order to be out." -- Dr. Kati McNamara
                4. Tips for LGBT Couples and Civilian Spouses:
                1. If your spouses is experiencing out-group status, know that it is real and painful. 
                2. Make sure to find any community that is openly accepting. 
                3. Know there are  a lot of welcoming people in the military. 
                4. If you are comfortable being out, be out.  
                Picture
                Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

                Liz's Useful Links: 
                • YouTube
                • Instagram
                • Facebook
                • Linked In
                • Work with Liz
                • Listen to other Episodes
                Podcast Sponsor: The Relate Assessment is the most comprehensive relationship assessment in the world and is based on 10 predictors of marital stability. It’s supported by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is the one my husband and I used during our premarital couples counseling. To get 20% off the assessment, go to https://relateinstitute.com/ and enter “POLINSKY20”.

                Thanks for Listening!
                PicturePhoto by SYLO Productions.
                Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

                DISCLAIMER: 
                My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
                podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.


                Join the Newsletter

                Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

                  We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
                  Built with ConvertKit

                  Podcast Episode 018: Unsolvable relationship problems

                  4/19/2021

                   

                  ​Ever wonder if your relationship problems are solvable? Or what to do if your relationship problems aren't solvable?


                  In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky discusses which relationship problems are solvable, which one’s aren’t, and what to do about unsolvable relationship problems.
                  Picture

                  IN THIS PODCAST

                  SUMMARY: 
                  • What problems in relationships are solvable
                  • Which relationship problems are not solvable
                  • What to do about unsolvable relationship problems 

                  MAIN POINTS:
                  1. A Personal Story:
                  I remember a time when I went to a party with an ex-boyfriend. He was a night owl and I tend to have an early bedtime. I wanted to leave the party and he wanted to stay. This led to a fight, and we actually broke up a couple of months later. 
                  According to the Gottman Institute, 69% of relationship problems are unsolvable due to personality differences or life style preferences." -- Elizabeth Polinsky
                  2. Unsolvable Relationship Problems
                  According to the Gottman Institute, 69% of relationship problems are unsolvable due to personality differences or life style preferences. This is the case in both "good" and "babd" marriages. 

                  Examples include:
                  • bed time,
                  • food preferences (meat eaters vs vegetarians)
                  • introverts vs extroverts
                  • expectations around cleanliness
                  • financial preferences (when to save or spend)
                  • sex drive

                  According to the Gottmans, good marriages use appreciation, acceptance, and a sense of humor when there are unsolvable problems. 
                  3. Solvable Relationship Problems
                  Solvable problems are situational and often short term. They require negotiation skills and compromise.

                  Having regular relationship meetings and finance meetings can help couples with the solvable problems by allowing you to try on different solutions or options. 

                  Examples of solvable problems:
                  • should we get a dog
                  • dog potty training 
                  • some financial planning
                  Picture
                  4. Is your relationship problem solvable or unsolvable?
                  One way to know that a problem is an unsolvable personality or lifestyle preference problem is when it is a perpetual stuck conversation. 

                  In these cases, it is more important to get to the heart of the matter and the 
                  underlying meaning you are making from the problem. For example, one of you is a vegetarian and the other is a meat eater, and whenever your partner eats meat your feelings are hurt because you think they don't respect your preferences. The problem of being vegetarian versus a meat eater is unlikely to be solved. But the problem of feeling disrespected and hurt can be. 
                  ​

                  When this is the case, you want to be vulnerable and share with your partner that your feelings are hurt and that you are worried they don't respect you. This allows you as a couple to address the underlying emotional hurts in order to have greater connection. 

                   Connection = sharing vulnerability + partner responsiveness" Elizabeth Polinsky
                  Actions Steps:
                  If you are mad, it might actually be because you feel hurt. The problem then is about the hurt emotions and that is what needs to be fixed not the content problem. People tend to feel stressed or neutral when there is an actual content problem that needs to be addressed. So tell your partner about the hurt feelings. 
                  Sign up for Liz's FREE Relationship Email Course!!

                  Liz's Useful Links: 
                  • YouTube
                  • Instagram
                  • Facebook
                  • Linked In
                  • Work with Liz
                  • Listen to other Episodes
                  Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge  is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun.  There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships  and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”.

                  Thanks for Listening!

                  PicturePhoto by SYLO Productions.
                  Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

                  DISCLAIMER: 
                  My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
                  podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.


                  Join the Newsletter

                  Get updated when there is new content for improving your relationships by joining the monthly Communicate & Connect Newsletter.

                    We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.
                    Built with ConvertKit

                    Podcast Episode 017: Reintegration after deployment

                    4/10/2021

                     

                    ​What is the hardest part of deployment for families?

                    ​What can you expect when your loved one comes home after deployment?


                    In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky answers these questions and more when she discusses how to navigate reintegration after deployment.

                    ​IN THIS PODCAST

                    SUMMARY: 
                    • The impact of deployment
                    • Stages of reintegration 
                    • Tips for reintegration ​

                    MAIN POINTS:
                    1. A Personal Story of Reintegration
                    The last time my husband returned home, I spent days feeling really excited that he was coming home; but I also felt anxious about whether our relationship would still be the same. When I went to pick him up from, I suddenly felt really angry--which took both of us by surprise. It took me a while to realize that I was angry because he had left in the first place even though my logical mind understood that he can't control when the military tells him to go somewhere. I mention this story because even when people think they are prepared for deployment and reintegration after deployment, there are often unexpected emotional reactions that happen. 
                    What can go wrong will go wrong right when your partner leaves" -- Paraphrased from Elizabeth Polinsky 
                    Picture
                    2. The Impact of Deployment
                    • While some people develop anxiety, depression, or PTSD as a result of their deployment experience; the majority of people often return home without an mental heath  problems.
                    • Deployment is still stressful for all families--for the service member as well as for the families who stay at home.  
                    • Stress can still cause feelings of anxiety, irritableness, and behavior change. So many people may experience these as a result but it doesn't necessarily mean there is a mental health problem--people just need time to adjust to the changes. 
                    • While a service member is deployed, there was reorganization of responsibilities, routines, and roles in the family.
                      1. People vary in coping; they either underperform or overperform. Both are natural responses o the stress of the change. 
                    • It is common to have feelings of uncertainty and loss throughout the deployment. 
                    • There is a rebound effect once you have adjusted to deployment; then you will feel more confident and have stronger social relationships.
                    • Good social support is one of the biggests factor for adjusting well to deployment versus having more struggles with deployment. 
                    • For most people, the most stressful part of the experience is the actual deployment itself. ​
                    The less secure your relationship is going into the deployment...the deployment can amplify the feelings of insecurity in the relationship" -- Paraphrased from Elizabeth Polinsky 
                    3. Stages of Reintegration after Deployment
                    1. There is a lot of anticipation and mixed emotions as you approach reintegration. 
                    2. It is typical to have a honeymoon period when your partner comes back from deployment. This can last a few days to a few weeks. However, it won't last.
                      1. Families start renegotiating roles and responsibilities. The service member will need to have a role in the family again. 
                      2. Some families struggle when there is conflict over new roles and responsibilities. It is helpful to actively discuss this as a family and create opportunities for your service member to be involve din the family again. 
                      3. For some people,  this is the most difficult stage in the deployment cycle. 
                    3. It is important to remember that each member in the family has changed some over deployment. ​​
                      1. This requires patience, commitment, and using resources navigate these changes. 
                        1. Resources: This podcast, date nights, Military  One Source, couples counseling, the Gottman Card Deck, etc.
                      2. The kids will be more advanced and will likely be the ones who have changed the most. 
                      3. Spouses tend to be more autonomous than they were before deployment. 
                    4. If you know you will deploy again soon, then it is especially hard to reintegrate because people are likely to guard themselves emotionally. 
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                    The key to couple relationships is recognizing your emotional experience, processing your emotional experience, and sharing it with your partner...this is where I see most couple relationships breakdown." -- Elizabeth Polinsky 
                    4. Things that Help with Reintegration After Deployment
                    1. Positive communication.
                      1. Be kind and compassionate. 
                    2. Understanding and having appropriate expectations.
                      1. Spouses might create a fairy tale of how it might be when their part comes home after deployment, and often these expectations are not met. 
                      2. The service member will often have to go back to work in a week, and they are often tired and don’t want to party or do anything big for a while. 
                    3. Give yourselves time to get reacquainted to each other.
                      1. Give yourselves time to get to know the new aspects of each other. 
                    4. Going to counseling can help you recognize and process your emotions.
                      1. When there is difficulty expressing emotions, it can lead to relationship problems, intimacy problems, communication problems, and even domestic violence is often about a break down in processing emotions. 
                      2. In one study of those with PTSD, 70% had clinically significant relationship difficulties which included marriage and parenting problems. 
                    5. For spouses, things that will make deployment easier are  if you are older, the longer you have been married, the length of your marriage, your copings skills, and the level of social support you have during deployment. 
                    Action Steps: 
                    In renegotiating roles and routines, try being open and honest about the finances and routines while offering for your service member to be included. 
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                    Thanks for Listening!
                    PicturePhoto by SYLO Productions
                    Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​

                    DISCLAIMER: 
                    My podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my 
                    podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The podcast, blogs, videos, newsletters, and products are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media or other platforms from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.


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                        The Communicate & Connect Podcast
                        In Communicate & Connect For Military Relationships, I provide educational tips for relationships, communication, and navigating military family life.

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                        Hey, I'm Elizabeth Polinsky and I am a marriage counselor in the Hampton Roads area. 

                        Looking for counseling? Schedule your free 20-minute consultation here. ​

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